THE VAN DRIVER I’d hired to help take my equipment to Johnny’s venue wasn’t happy.
'I’m not meant to go along here, it’s buses and taxis only.'
'And deliveries.'
'Deliveries until eleven, we’re well past time.' He looked away from the road, giving me the full effect of his torn face. 'You’re making me break the law.'
The driver was Archie, an old navy friend of my magic shop boss, Bruce McFarlane. He was bald, with three working teeth and a wrinkled face that had somehow shrivelled back in on itself. It was like being told off by a shrunken-headed tattooed baby.
'Aye well, I’ll drop into St Mungo’s on my way home and say a wee prayer for you.'
Archie shot me a look that said he might just kick me and my junk out of his van and I backtracked. 'I didn’t realise it was restricted, there’ll be something on top for your trouble.'
'If I get a ticket it’s your shout.'
'Fair enough.'
I grinned at him, but he was staring straight ahead, manoeuvring the van between the buses that were backed along the street. Eilidh had told me that the venue wasn’t far along on the Trongate, but though I’d tramped the street countless times I couldn’t remember ever noticing the Panopticon. I checked the numbers above the shops while the van eased its way through the traffic.
'Can you slow down a wee bit? We should be able to spit on it from here.'
'If I go any bloody slower we’ll stop.'
I pointed to a space.
'You could pull in there.'
'It’s a bloody bus stop.'
But Archie swung the van in anyway, muttering about blue meanies and bloody stupit cunts that didnae ken where they were going.
I slid back the passenger door and stuck my head out, looking for the hall.
'I’ll just be a second.'
'If the polis come I’ll have to mo–'
I slammed the door and ran along the pavement. The number Eilidh had given me belonged to a blue-fronted arcade that promised Amusements, Amusements, Amusements in pink neon swirls. The windows to the arcade were veiled behind elaborately pleated midnight-blue satin drapes. They made me think of a flashy funeral directors’, the kind of concern that might have got Liberace’s business. The space between the glass and the curtains was decorated with prizes the insurance company probably didn’t require to be locked in the safe at night, oversized ornaments of liquid-eyed dogs, TVs and microwaves that retailed for around fifty quid in Tesco and huge fake-flower arrangements whose bulk was supplemented by multicoloured feathers that had never seen a parrot. The bingo caller’s voice reached out through the empty door into the street, above a clatter of mechanical whoops and bells.
Baby’s done it, number two. One and five, fifteen. Key to the door, two and one, twenty-one, just your age, eh Lorna? Three and five, thirty-five, J Lo’s Bum, seventy-one. Tony’s Den, number ten. Blind eighty.
No one was shouting house. I glanced back to the van. Archie was making hurry-up gestures but there were no wardens in sight. I leaned through the open door to the arcade, into darkness punctuated by the flash of fruit machines, pinball and video games. For all of the noise it generated, the place wasn’t very busy. A bouncer stood sentinel inside the doorway; in the gloom beyond him a few punters tried their luck on the machines or sat solemnly marking their bingo cards.
The bouncer gave me an appraising glance. Maybe he’d studied Zen or maybe he just knew that guys as big as him don’t have to say anything to get guys like me to explain themselves. I said, 'I’m looking for the Panopticon, mate, ever heard of it?'
He nodded his head towards the ceiling.
'Upstairs.'
I stepped backwards into the street and looked towards the top of the building. Three huge storeys of what the early Victorians probably considered a Grecian facade, intersected by arched windows that decreased in size as the storeys rose.
The bouncer directed me to the goods entrance around the side, smiling mildly when I asked him if there was a lift.
I said, 'Never mind, it’s all in a good cause eh?' And went back to the van, wondering if I could use that line on Archie.
But I was beginning to learn that although Archie moaned, he got the job done. He grumbled the full length of the dingy staircase, but it was only when we stepped from the landing into the auditorium that he almost dropped his end of the box.
'Bloody hell!'
If I’d have been first into the room I might have done the same. The mannequin was positioned so you didn’t see it until you turned the corner from the stairs into the auditorium, then he was right in front of you, a whiskered Victorian decked out in frock coat and top hat. Eilidh hurried towards us.
'Are you OK?'
Archie’s end of the box straightened up.
'You’re all right, dear. He just gave me a bit of a start.'
