'Sir, would you mind standing up for me please?' The man got to his feet. He was tall and lank, with receding hair and a good-natured drink-fuddled face.
'What’s your name, sir?'
'Andy.'
'Nice to meet you Andy.' I shook his hand, staring him in the eyes and slyly unfastening his watch. 'Let me ask you Andy, do you believe that there are powers we don’t understand?'
'I believe in the DPP.'
The crowd laughed and I smiled indulgently.
'I see that you’re a married man, Andy.'
He nodded unimpressed.
'How did I know that?'
He held up his left hand with its gold marriage band.
'Quite right, the powers of observation.' I smiled round the room, giving him his moment of reassurance, then raised my voice. 'But this evening I am going to reveal to you things that the powers of observation would be powerless to divulge.' I made my tone more conversational. 'Andy, I would imagine that in your profession well- developed powers of observation are essential?'
Andy nodded.
'That’s true.'
'A good memory for a face?'
He nodded again.
'I believe so.'
'Have we ever met before?'
He shook his head slowly, cautious as a man on a witness stand.
'Not to my knowledge, no.'
'You’ve never arrested me?'
'Not to my recollection.'
'So you would be surprised if I could guess your rank?'
He shrugged.
'Possibly.'
'Come a little closer would you please, Andy?' The man looked around at the audience smiling. I said, 'Don’t worry, the force is with you.' And he stepped forward an inch. 'May I place my hand on your shoulder?' He hesitated and I stage-whispered, 'No need to be coy.'
The audience laughed, the volunteered man gave a brief nod and I reached up, resting my hand gently on his right shoulder. 'I would say, Andy,' — ‘that you are’ — I paused again —
‘a sergeant.' I removed my hand and he nodded to the crowd, who gave me a brief scatter of applause. I bowed, keeping my expression restrained. 'I suppose that’s vaguely impressive.
But maybe I could guess that from your age and the fact that you look fairly intelligent. So let me go a little further.' There was an ooooh from the audience. The man stepped back, clowning a slight mince. The men at his table laughed and I shook my head in mock exasperation. 'Calm yourself, Sergeant. I’ve told you that you’re married, but as you’ve confirmed we’ve never met before so there’s no way I could tell you the name of your wife.'
A voice came from the audience. Not unless you saw it written on the wall of the gents.
Andy shouted, 'Oi, watch it.' Taking the joke in good part.
I held up my hand for order.
'I see a good-looking woman …’ The crowd ooohed obligingly again and I traced an S in the air, making it sexy like the cartoon outline of a woman’s body. 'Her name is… Sarah…
no not Sarah, something similar, Suzie… Suze… Susannah.' The man’s face was pleasingly bemused. He nodded and the crowd clapped. I held up my hand, silencing them. 'You have children… two lovely daughters… Hai… Hail… Hailey and Re-e-e-e-Rebecca.' Andy was smiling now, nodding his head to the room. Again the applause and again I held my hands up to stop them. 'You also have a dog?' This was dodgy, dogs die more often than the wife and kids, but the group photo I’d lifted from his wallet with the names of its subjects obligingly written on the back in neat pen looked pretty recent. Andy nodded. 'Your dog is called …’ I hesitated a beat beyond the audience’s expectation and the room grew still, half-hoping I’d make it, half-hoping I’d fail. 'Your dog is called, 'Peeler!'
'The small audience erupted into applause and I bowed, relieved to find policemen as gullible as the rest. 'How’re we doing for time, Sergeant?'
Andy looked at his wrist, and then looked at me.
'Has anyone got the time?' There was a confusion of murmurs as the men I’d selected each noticed their missing wristwatches. 'Ach, it’s fine, I’ve got it here.'
I pulled up my left cuff to reveal the half-dozen watches fastened round my wrist. As things go, they were a good audience. I fed them more facts from filched wallets, keeping the action brief and cheeky, then kicked into the finale.
'Now, I know you’re keen to see The Divines.' There was a stamping of feet and a jungle-drumming of hands
