now I going marry Fay being with her, Gloria, don’t mean nothing to me. I hope she know that she mean more to me than that even though I can’t marry her. And then I start think what do I mean to her? She got so many men coming and going maybe she just think I one of them. One of them stupid, clumsy, good-for-nothing oaf that she and the girls always joking and laughing about when they gone. But I don’t think she see me that way. After all she even tell me I didn’t have to pay if I didn’t want to, but that no seem right to me. It would seem like I was taking advantage because I think she only say it to me because of the protection we providing. But then I think I must mean something more than that to her because if I didn’t she wouldn’t have react the way she done when I tell her ’bout Fay. She would have just shrug her shoulder and say pour a drink so I can make you a toast. But she didn’t do that, so that must tell me something.
When Tuesday come, I go. I knock at the door and after some long time she finally turn up and open it. She look at me, sorta up and down, and she just shut the door. She never even say a word to me. She just leave me standing there on the porch when she turn back and go inside. And looking at the closed door like that, I realise I wasn’t going ask her nothing that day.
When Thursday come I can’t make up my mind what to do. Is she testing me? Is she wanting me to show her how sorry I am? Maybe she want to teach me a lesson or maybe she just nuh ready. But the last thing I can afford to do is look like I don’t care, so I go.
Gloria open the door and step back inside. And she just stand there looking at me. So I ease past her and step into the living room. And after a little while she walk out. I reckon she gone go make the tea so I sit down on the sofa and make myself look as prim and sorrowful as I can. I keep both my feet on the ground with my knees together and my hands in my lap so I don’t take up too much space even though I am the only one sitting there. Then I start look ’round the room and I think how masculine it look considering there is only four women a live here. So I try figure out what make it look that way, and I realise that there isn’t one single ornament in the place. Not a picture on the wall. Nothing. It like the place strip down apart from the two sofas and a coffee table, and some Venetian blind at the window and the bar in the corner. And I think how different this look from the back room that I have dinner in that very first time I come here. And how the spirit of this room sorta still and empty apart from the little breeze that is coming through the window. And how different it feel compared to that night in the back room when the four of them was singing and dancing and talking ’bout Bustamante setting up the Jamaica Labour Party. And how the life in them and their energy and their spirit lift up the place. Sitting here in this stagnant room it didn’t seem like that other thing could even be possible. I start to wonder how come I never notice before what this room was like. Never notice before the sadness in it. And I realise that every other time I was in the room it was full of men and music and liquor. And when it wasn’t that it was me and tea and Gloria. And right then I wasn’t looking at no wall to see they not got no picture on. All I was looking at was her.
I am sitting there this long while and she nuh come back. So I start examine the floor and make my own patterns outta how the white colour swirling through the dark grey tiles and then after a while I get the feeling of someone standing there in the doorway. When I look up it is Marcia. She say to me, ‘Gloria not here, yu know.’
‘She not here?’
‘No. She gone into town.’
‘She gone into town?’
‘Yu going repeat everything I say?’
I just stop and I look at Marcia because I can’t believe Gloria do this to me. This thing gone beyond a joke now.
‘I dunno what time she coming back, so I can’t say nothing to yu ’bout how long yu should spend your time waiting here.’
I don’t bother go there the next afternoon like I supposed to. But come evening I go pick up the money and she is there dress in a tight red frock that show off every curve of every inch of her body. And I can see that every man in that room want to reach out and touch her, but him know that you can’t just grab a woman like that, all you can do is maybe brush up against her like it a accident, or pat her arm as you talking, or maybe take her hand like you playing with her or swinging into a little dance, but just when your other arm want to reach ’round her waist and pull her in you have to check yourself. It like Gloria got a big notice hanging ’round her neck and it say, ‘Watch yourself, man.’
When she finally decide to come give me the money she don’t say nothing to me. She just walk over to the door where I am standing, but when she get close to me I step outside. So she follow me, and when it just the two of us on the porch I say to her, ‘I know I not got no place complaining ’bout how you treat me this week. I just wondering how much longer you going carry on like this.’
She staring out into the dark yard and after some long while she say to me in this calm, cold voice, ‘I only ever ask you for one thing and you do it, and that was a piece of business for both of us. That is how it started. It didn’t start out as personal, but I dunno what happen. Maybe it was because of how patient you was, sitting there drinking tea and doing your handiwork, till in the end it was me that had to give you permission to make a move. You are the only man I ever know like that. Every other man I know just want to jump me the minute he clap eyes on me. That is how it been for me my whole life.’
All that is there in the silence between us is the click of a cricket here and there. So I just wait because I can feel that she got more to say.
‘When I find out you going marry Fay Wong I almost couldn’t believe it. It was like I must have dreamed it when I thought you had some feeling and respect for me. Not that a woman in my position can have much to say ’bout respect. But it hurt. It hurt bad because the worst thing about it was it put me in my place. It told me who I really am to you. Your three-time-a-week whore.’
I grab her shoulder and turn her ’round.
‘Gloria, it not like that. It not like that at all.’
And she look me in the face and say, ‘How is it then, Pao? What is it like?’
‘It is like -’ and I stop because I really have to think what I am going to say to her. ‘It is like every day you go out and you see this independent, strong, beautiful animal. Maybe something like a tiger, and you happy with that, but everybody tell you that a grown man got to have him something to keep at home. He can’t be out every day chasing after some tiger that is going about her own business. And you think yes, so you go get yourself a cage and you get the tiger and you put it in there. And maybe you happy for a while but it not long before you start to think well this tiger just sitting there every day now, waiting for me to feed it, and clean out the cage, and entertain it and tend to it when it sick. It don’t do nothing for itself no more. And after a while it start to vex you because it nothing like the animal that you used to see running free and full of life. Now it just lazy and dead. Yu no get no pleasure from it no more, but you have to live with that because is you that kill it.’
‘That is all about you. You ever think that maybe the tiger, as well as wanting to be free, also sometimes want some security and some rest so maybe it don’t have to fret every day ’bout where the next meal coming from or how it going defend itself against everything out there that want to hunt it down? That maybe the tiger want to be able to look forward to some support and company, especially when it getting older and it not so independent, or strong, or beautiful? That maybe the tiger just want some day to find some peace?’
‘You can have all of that, Gloria, and yu don’t need no cage to get it.’
She just look at me like maybe she believe me or maybe she don’t. And then she say, ‘You spend too much time listening to what everybody tell you.’
Well after we done say all of that I realise I can’t go ask her now how she hear ’bout me marrying Fay. So I miss my chance. And that was that.
After I leave Gloria, Hampton is waiting for me outside in the car and I say to him, ‘Come on, man, let us go walk back to town.’
‘Is ten o’clock at night, man, you mad? Don’t you know it dangerous?’
‘What, you ’fraid duppy going get you? And anyway, who you think foolish enough to go jump you and me? Come on, leave the car, you can come get it in the morning.’ And we start walking.
When we nearly reach into town we hear a commotion in a alley, like a barrel knock over or something like that. And we follow the noise because we think maybe somebody in trouble. When we get down there, there is the two of them. One of them stand up with his pants open and the other one kneel down in front of him. When the one on him knees turn ’round we see him young, and him get up and run. The other one is a grown man. Him do up him pants and disappear ’round the next corner. Me and Hampton just look at one another and carry on walk back to town.
