yourself.'
What is my response? That I was taught to cheat?
Odrade had done something to call up the patterns of childhood and Honored Matre education. I learned cheating as an infant. How to simulate a need and gain attention. Many 'how-to's' in the cheating pattern. The older she got, the easier the cheating. She had learned what the big people around her were demanding. I regurgitated on demand. That was called 'education.' Why were the Bene Gesserit so remarkably different in their teaching?
'I don't ask you to be honest with me,' Odrade had said. 'Be honest with yourself.'
Murbella despaired of ever rooting out all of the cheating in her past. Why should I? More cheating!
'Damn you, Odrade!'
Only after the words were out did she realize she had spoken them aloud. She started to put a hand to her mouth and aborted the movement. Fever said: 'What's the difference?'
'Educational bureaucracies dull a child's questing sensitivity.' Odrade explaining. 'The young must be damped down. Never let them know how good they can be. That brings change. Spend lots of committee time talking about how to deal with exceptional students. Don't spend any time dealing with how the conventional teacher feels threatened by emerging talents and squelches them because of a deep-seated desire to feel superior and safe in a safe environment. '
She was talking about Honored Matres.
Conventional teachers?
There it was: Behind that facade of wisdom, the Bene Gesserit were unconventional. They often did not think about teaching; they just did it.
Gods! I want to be like them!
The thought shocked her and she leaped to her feet, launching herself into a training routine for wrists and arms.
Realization bit deeper than ever. She did not want to disappoint these teachers. Candor and honesty. Every acolyte heard that. 'Basic tools of learning,' Odrade said.
Distracted by her thoughts, Murbella tumbled hard and stood up, rubbing a bruised shoulder.
She had thought at first that the Bene Gesserit protestation must be a lie. I am being so candid with you that I must tell you about my unswerving honesty.
But actions confirmed their claim. Odrade's voice persisted in the fever dream: 'That is how you judge.'
They had something in the mind, in memory and a balance of intellect no Honored Matre had ever possessed. This thought made her feel small. Enter corruption. It was like liver spots in her feverish thoughts.
But I have talent! It required talent to become an Honored Matre.
Do I still think of myself as an Honored Matre?
The Bene Gesserit knew she had not fully committed herself to them. What skills do I have that they could possibly want? Not the skills of deception.
'Do actions agree with words? There's your measure of reliability. Never confine yourself to the words.'
Murbella put her hands over her ears. Shut up, Odrade!
'How does a Truthsayer separate sincerity from a more fundamental judgment?'
Murbella dropped her hands to her sides. Maybe I'm really sick. She swept her gaze around the long room. No one there to utter these words. Anyway, it was Odrade's voice.
'If you convince yourself, sincerely, you can speak utter balderdash (marvelous old word; look it up), absolute poppylarky in every word and you will be believed. But not by one of our Truthsayers.'
Murbella's shoulders sagged. She began to wander aimlessly around the practice floor. Was there no place to escape?
'Look for the consequences, Murbella. That's how you ferret out things that work. That's what our much- vaunted truths are all about.'
Pragmatism?
Idaho found her then and responded to the wild look in her eyes. 'What's wrong?'
' I think I'm sick. Really sick. I thought it was something Odrade did to me but...'
He caught her as she fell.
'Help us!'
For once, he was glad of the comeyes. A Suk was with them in less than a minute. She bent over Murbella where Idaho cradled her on the floor.
The examination was brief. The Suk, a graying older Reverend Mother with the traditional diamond brand on her forehead, straightened and said: 'Overstressed. She's not trying to find her limits, she's going beyond them. We'll put her back into the sensitizing class before we let her continue. I'll send the Proctors.'
Odrade found Murbella in the Proctor's Ward that evening, propped up in a bed, two Proctors taking turns testing her muscle responses. A small gesture and they left Odrade alone with Murbella.
'I tried to avoid complicating things,' Murbella said. Candor and honesty.
'Trying to avoid complications often creates them.' Odrade sank into a chair beside the bed and put a hand on Murbella's arm. Muscles quivered under the hand. 'We say 'words are slow, feeling's faster.' ' Odrade withdrew. 'What decisions have you been making?'
'You let me make decisions?'
'Don't sneer.' She lifted a hand to prevent interruption. 'I didn't take your previous conditioning into sufficient account. The Honored Matres left you practically incapable of making decisions. Typical of power-hungry societies. Teach their people to diddle around forever. 'Decisions bring bad results!' You teach avoidance.'
'What's that have to do with me collapsing?' Resentful.
'Murbella! The worst products of what I'm describing are almost basket cases - can't make decisions about anything, or leave them until the last possible second and then leap at them like desperate animals. '
'You told me to go the limit!' Almost wailing.
'Your limits, Murbella. Not mine. Not Bell's or those of anyone else. Yours.'
'I've decided I want to be like you.' Very faint.
'Marvelous! I don't believe I've ever tried to kill myself. Especially when I was pregnant.'
In spite of herself, Murbella grinned.
Odrade stood. 'Sleep. You're going into a special class tomorrow where we'll work on your ability to mesh your decisions with sensitivity to your limits. Remember what I told you. We take care of our own.'
'Am I yours?' Almost whispered.
'Since you repeated the oath before the Proctors.' Odrade turned out the lights as she left. Murbella heard her speak to someone before the door closed. 'Stop fussing with her. She needs rest.'
Murbella closed her eyes. The fever dream was gone but in its place was her own memory. 'I am a Bene Gesserit. I exist only to serve.'
She heard herself saying those words to the Proctors but memory gave them an emphasis not in the original.
They knew I was being cynical.
What could you hide from such women?
She felt the remembered hand of the Proctor on her forehead and heard the words that had possessed no meaning until this moment.
'I stand in the sacred human presence. As I do now, so should you stand some day. I pray to your presence that this be so. Let the future remain uncertain for that is the canvas to receive our desires. Thus the human condition faces its perpetual tabula rasa. We possess no more than this moment where we dedicate ourselves continuously to the sacred presence we share and create.'
Conventional but unconventional. She realized that she had not been physically or emotionally prepared for this moment. Tears flowed down her cheeks.
Laws to suppress tend to strengthen what they would prohibit. This is the fine point on which all the legal professions of history have based their job security.
- Bene Gesserit Coda
