Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man

My wife does this to me all the time. We're getting dressed for a date and she says, 'You're going out like that?'

'No, this is a pre?outfit. I just wore this to get to the outfit. What do you think I should wear?'

'How about the brown shirt with those pants I just bought you?'

'Yeah, that's what I planned to wear! I just wore this to get to that outfit.' Meanwhile, she's changed clothes five times. She should understand.

- -

I've been asked when lying to a woman is okay. All the time would be just fine. As long as you don't get caught. Just don't get caught.

- -

Here's how you can tell when a woman is lying to you: When you so completely believe what she's saying that it doesn't even occur to you to question. That's when she's lying, but it's a catch22. Let it go.

Also, don't believe her when she tells you that you look great in her red cashmere sweater.

- -

To help understand a woman you need to be familiar with how her body functions. Her period is a perfect example of how completely different men and women are. And why we'll never really comprehend them.

The period arrives every month, and each time it's something new. Whatever's happening to their bodies has never happened before. It's relentless. It must be horrible. Of course, I can only judge by her period's effect on me. And they say men are self?centered.

It starts with, 'Honey, fm so bloated.'

'Stuffed from eating?'

'It's not like that!'

I guess that if you're not a woman you just don't understand this bloat thing.

'So it's like you ate too much?'

'No! No! No! Look at my swollen joints. Do my ankles look like I ate too much?'

'Well, if you'd eaten a lot on a consistent basis for, say …'

'I'm bloated, you idiot, I'm bloated.'

'Like you ate too much.'

That did it. Trust me, the only guys who can actually catch flying plates haven't worked since Ed Sullivan went off the air.

As I said, women's difficulties are very frightening. This is probably why men invented the calendar: to keep track of women's lunacy. (Lunacy, from the word luna, or moon-moon, tides, menstrual cycles.)

Maybe a good way to understand each other is to turn the situation around and put men in women's bodies.

'George, do the rough framing on the house today. I'm flowing like a goddamn river. And my tits are killing me!'

'Why don't you try those lite pads from Miller. More bulk, less filling.' 'I don't know. Jesus, I feel so ugly. And these zits all around my mouth. Do I still look pretty to you, George?'

Professional sports would forever be altered. 'You know, Vin, Tony's not playing very well today.'

'Yeah. . swing and a miss. . the way he handles that bat, he looks a little swollen around the wrists. . called strike three.'

- -

Why do women keep making the same mistakes in love? Maybe because they actually enjoy buying all those self?help books like Women Who Love Other Women's Husbands Too Much, and Women Whose Husbands Don't Love Them Quite Like They Used To, and Women Who Don't Pay Attention to Their Husbands and Lose Out in Love Because They're Reading Too Many Books About Why They're Not Loved.

Guys read, too. There has never been a cereal box that didn't fascinate me. And you can earn free gifts-even today.

Actually, women are just searching for something, like we all are. A favorite lipstick, a scribbled Post?it. They want some reason to make love besides hormonal determination. They want stability. They want Fabio (first mistake). They want Robert Redford and Paul Newman (mistakes two and three). They want Marky Mark (a mistake even if he is available). But women are just like guys. They pick out the male Ferrari, occasionally try a pickup truck, and eventually settle in with the family station wagon.

What makes it take so long is what makes it interesting.

I feel a whole lot better now about being a man.

- -

To tell the truth I didn't want to hurt anybody.

I just wanted this other guy's girlfriend because at that point in my life I'd decided it was time to get serious. Casual sex had become meaningless, and I was tired of trying it again and again just to remind myself.

I wanted Eric's girlfriend so bad that I kind of broke them up. I did it for a good reason: He never paid any attention to her. I couldn't figure out why, because when I watched her looking at him, all I could think of was how I wished a woman would look at me like that.

Then we got together and our relationship was not what I had imagined at all. I realized why Eric didn't pay any attention to her: because she was just bothersome. All that staring can drive a guy nuts. I found out it wasn't even staring. She was bewildered. She was in a constant daze. I don't think she could even see me. It lasted about a year. See what happens when you set goals?

I didn't actually break up with her, though. I just made believe she was a newspaper route and disappeared.

Only once did my chicken method of ending a relationship cause me any regret.

I'd been seeing a woman for two years. Her dad was extremely wealthy and owned a national chain of tire stores. Carrie Ann was incredibly attractive and smart. Plus she was born the same day and year I was. For a narcissist, this is unbelievably good luck. It's like a court order from fate saying, 'Have sex.' It's like having sex with yourself only you're not alone, like usual.

The only problem was that we weren't merging like I'd hoped. We were both funny, and when we were both 'on' it was annoying as hell. We both demanded so much attention. Neither one of us knew when to stop.

When it got too heavy I just left.

Carrie Ann called and kept calling for weeks. But I was sick. I just forgot that I even knew her. It was the only thing I could do, partly because I was so crazy about her. What was I going to say?

Finally, her mom called my mom. My mom always said the same thing when this happened, 'I stay out of my son's relationships. I just can't get involved in it.' The other mother said, 'Well you've got to do something. She's not going to school and she's not eating. For god's sake, this is getting very serious.' My mom promised to mention it to me.

All I could say was 'Mmm?'

Eventually I gave up my childish ways after being dumped about twenty times myself, and I realized I was just afraid of closure. I had to learn about finishing the job. Women need it, and men have a tough time doing it. (Some women avoid endings, too, but they're usually Playmates dodging Julio Iglesias's phone calls.) Now I know to just end it. Say it. Do it. Be decisive. Women demand that of men, which is good. Stop this bullshitting around.

I ran into Carrie Ann years later, at a party. She was with her husband. He was a nice guy. They showed me pictures of their three kids. Later, when I was about to leave, he rushed over and said, 'Look, would you come to our house tomorrow and tell my wife it's over? Because I think there's a part of her that's still pissed.' It wasn't really convenient the next day, but I will do it. I will.

- -

A guy knows he's in love when he wants to grow old with a woman. It's when he wants to stay with her in the morning. It's when he doesn't want to leave the house. He starts calling sex 'making love,' and afterward he wants a great big hug. He loses interest in his car for a couple days.

It's that simple, I swear it. So he does what any decent guy would do. He starts, however tentatively, to think about marriage. And that's when it gets really scary.