The Girl Who Chased the Moon

“I’ve always been with her. You know that. We’re going to get married after college.”

“But that night-”

He interrupted her, saying, “You were upset.”

“It’s not just the baby, then?” she almost whispered. “You don’t want me?”

“I’m sorry. I really am. I thought you knew.”

You thought I knew? Her eyes started filling with tears and her breathing was heavy. She thought she might hyperventilate.

He was supposed to save her.

“I’ll take care of it,” she said, turning to hang up the pay phone. Sawyer might not want the baby, but she did. She would take care of it by herself.

Sawyer misunderstood. “That’s good. It’s the right thing, Julia. I know it’ll be hard, but it will be over before you know it. Just get an abortion and everything will be fine. Let me send you some money.” His voice was so nice now, so relieved. She felt a wave of hatred so strong that it popped off her skin and caused a crinkling noise in the phone receiver.

An abortion? He wanted her to get an abortion? He didn’t want the baby, but he didn’t want her to have it either. How could she ever have thought she was in love with such a person? “No. I can do it by myself.”

“Let me do something.”

“You’ve done enough,” she said, and hung up.

Telling her father was horrible. When her therapist made her call him, he wanted her to come home right away, thinking she’d gotten pregnant at Collier. But she admitted that it had happened before she left Mullaby. Though he demanded to know who the father was, she never told him. In the end, everyone agreed that she should stay at Collier. She wasn’t the only pregnant girl there, after all.

She started craving cakes around her third month. The sensation was unbelievable. There were times she thought she would go crazy with it. Her therapist told her it was just a normal pregnancy craving, but Julia knew better. This child growing inside her obviously had Sawyer’s magical sweet sense. When Julia couldn’t get enough sweets during the day, she started sneaking out of her dorm to go to the cafeteria. That’s where she baked her first cake. She became pretty good at it after a while, because it was the only thing that settled the baby. It had an unusual effect on the rest of the school, too. The smell of cake would slowly waft through the hallways while she baked at night, and girls in their dorm rooms, even the girls whose dreams were always dark, would suddenly dream of their kindhearted grandmothers and long-ago birthday parties.

Julia’s therapist started talking to her about adoption options in her fifth month. She adamantly refused to consider it. But every session her therapist would ask, How do you plan to care for this child on your own? And Julia began to get scared. She didn’t know how she was going to do it. Her only choice was her father, but when she brought it up, he immediately said no. Beverly didn’t want a baby in the house.

In the spring, in a flood of pain and fear so great she doubled over in French class, Julia went into labor. It came on so quickly that she actually gave birth in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. She could feel the baby’s frustration, her impatience, as she maneuvered her way to freedom. And Julia couldn’t stop her. As much as she wanted to, there was nothing she could do to keep this child physically bound to her any longer. Her daughter had a mind, and an agenda, all her own. After it was over, the baby proceeded to fuss about how hard her journey had been to anyone who would listen, the way old ladies in tweed coats liked to fuss about long, hot train rides into the city. It made Julia laugh, holding the squawking infant in her arms in the ambulance. She was perfect, with Sawyer’s blond hair and blue eyes.

Julia’s father came to Maryland to see her in the hospital the next day, and she asked him one last time to take her and the baby home.

Standing at the foot of the hospital bed, his ball cap in his hands, looking shy and out of place, he again said no. She gave up on ever having a real relationship with her father after that. Nothing would ever be the same.

It was the hardest decision Julia had ever made, giving up her little girl. Now that the baby was independent of Julia’s body, she knew she couldn’t take care of her alone. She could barely take care of herself. She hated Beverly for not wanting a baby in the house, and she hated her father for being so weak. But most of all, she hated Sawyer. If only he had loved her. If only he had been there to help her. Then she could have kept the baby. He was depriving her of the one person in the world who would ever need her completely, the only person in the world she knew she would love for the rest of her life. No questions. No limits.

She was told that a couple from Washington, D.C., adopted the baby. Julia was given two photos. One was the official hospital photo, the other was of Julia in the hospital bed holding her-warm and soft and smelling pink. Julia put the photos away immediately, because it hurt too much to look at them, only to find them years later in an old textbook when she was packing to move after college.

It took a long, long time to feel fine again. She started cutting herself again not long after she was released from the hospital. Her school therapist worked tirelessly to get her admitted into a summer program sponsored by Collier because Julia wasn’t ready to go home. Julia still felt too vulnerable to go back to Mullaby after the summer, so her father agreed that she should stay at Collier for her senior high school year.

She applied to and was accepted to college the next year. Though she hadn’t baked since she was pregnant, those months of practice made her proficient enough to get a job at a grocery store bakery to help her father pay for her college tuition. By this time, with the help of continued therapy sessions, Julia was able to think of Sawyer without the world turning a furious ember red around her, and she remembered what he’d told her about following the scent of his mother’s cakes home. It became a symbol to her. Maybe one day in the future, baking cakes would bring her daughter-who had a sweet sense like her father-back to Julia. Then she would explain why she gave her up. At the very least, it would carry Julia’s love to her.

Wherever she was.

Nearly twenty years later, Julia was still calling out to her. Knowing she was out there in the world somewhere was what got Julia through every single day. She couldn’t imagine a life without knowing that.

Sawyer was living that unimaginable life.

It was then that she knew she had to tell him.

She thought she’d been miserable here before.

The next six months were going to be hell.

JULIA HEARD a light tapping at her door. She opened her eyes and was surprised to see that the sky was blackberry blue and the first star of the night was out. She got up and went to her bedroom doorway.

“Julia?” Stella called. “Julia, are you all right? You’ve been awfully quiet up here. Sawyer’s gone, if that’s what you’re waiting for.” There was a pause. “Okay. I’ll be downstairs if you need me. If you want to talk.”

She heard Stella walk back down the stairs.

Julia rested her head against the doorjamb for a moment, then she walked into the hallway. She paused at the door to the stairs, then walked past it and into the kitchen.

A hummingbird cake, she decided as she turned on the kitchen light. It was made with bananas and pineapples and pecans and had a cream cheese frosting.

She would make it light enough to float away.

She reached over to open the window.

To float to her daughter.

Chapter 10

The car had an eight-track player.

The steering wheel was huge, like it should be on a boat.

The interior smelled like cough drops. And she loved it.

Emily loved this car.

When Vance’s mechanic dropped the car off that next day, she eagerly sat behind the wheel. But then she realized that she couldn’t think of anywhere she wanted to go. The more she thought about it, the more she didn’t really want to leave Mullaby. Although she would never say it out loud-she would never tell another living soul-there