'What did she expect? I don't really understand what happened,' Ayla said.
'I think Zelandoni could tell you better. I wish she was here, but I think you are Zelandoni now. I think you were 'called', as they say. Do you remember anything?' Marthona asked.
'I remember things, and then all of a sudden, I remember something else, but I can't seem to sort it out,' Ayla said, frowning.
'I wouldn't worry about it yet. Wait until you have a chance to talk to Zelandoni. I'm sure she'll be able to explain things and help you. Right now, you just need to get your strength back,' Marthona said.
'You're probably right,' Ayla said, relieved to have an excuse to put off dealing with the whole thing. She didn't even want to think about it, though she couldn't help remembering the baby she had lost. Why did the Mother want to take her baby?
Ayla did little except sleep for several days, then one day she woke up feeling starved, and couldn't seem to get enough to eat for the next couple of days. When she finally emerged from her dwelling and joined the small group, they all looked at her with new respect, even awe, and a touch of apprehension. They knew she had been through an ordeal, which they were convinced had changed her. And they all felt a certain pride because they were there when it happened, and by association, they felt that they were somehow a part of it.
'How are you feeling?' Jeviva asked.
'Much better,' Ayla said, 'but hungry!'
'Come and join us. There is plenty of food and it's still warm,' Jeviva said.
'I think I will.' She sat down beside Jeralda, while Jeviva prepared a dish for her. 'And how are you feeling?'
'Bored!' Jeralda said. 'I'm so tired of sitting and lying around. I wish it was time for this baby to come.'
'I think it is probably time for the baby to come. It wouldn't hurt if you took a walk now and then to encourage it. It's just a matter of waiting until the baby feels ready. I thought so the last time I examined you,' Ayla said, 'but I thought I'd wait before I said anything, and then I got distracted. I'm sorry.'
That evening Marthona mentioned, with some hesitation, 'I hope I didn't do anything wrong, Ayla.'
'I don't understand.'
'Zelandoni told me that if you did leave, not to try to stop you. When you didn't come back that morning, I was terribly worried, but Wolf was worse. You had told him to stay with me, but he was whining and wanting to go. Just the way he was looking at me, I could tell he wanted to go and look for you. I didn't want him to disturb anything, so I tied a rope around his neck, the way you would do sometimes when you wanted him to stay and not interrupt. But after a few days, he was so miserable, and I was so worried, I untied him. He raced out of here. Was I wrong to let him go?' the woman asked.
'No, I don't think so, Marthona,' Ayla said. 'I don't know if I was in a spirit world, but if I was and he found me there, I think I was already returning. Wolf helped me find my way out of the cave — at least he gave me the sense that I was going in the right direction. It was dark in there, but the passages are narrow, and I kept close to the wall. I think I might have been able to find my way out anyway, but it would have taken longer.'
'I'm not sure if I should have tied him up in the first place. I don't know if it was my place to make that decision — I know I'm getting old, Ayla, when I can't even make a decision anymore.' The former leader shook her head, looking disgusted with herself. 'Things of the spirit world were never my strength. You were so weak when you got here, maybe She thought you needed a helper. Perhaps the Mother wanted me to let that animal go so he could find you and help you.'
'I don't think anything you did was wrong. Things tend to happen the way She wants,' Ayla said. 'Right now, what I want is to go down to The River and take a long swim, and then a have a good washing. Do you know if Zelandoni left behind any of that Losadunai cleansing foam? The one I showed her how to make from fat and ashes? She likes to use it for purifying, especially to clean the hands of grave-diggers.'
'I don't know about Zelandoni, but I have some,' Marthona said. 'I like to use it on weavings, sometimes. I have even used it on some of my platters, the ones I use for meat and to collect clean fat. Can you use it for bathing, too?'
'The Losadunai did sometimes. It can be harsh and make your skin red. Usually I prefer to use soaproot, or some other plant, but right now, I just want to be clean,' Ayla said.
'If only there was a well of Doni's healing hot waters nearby,' Ayla said to herself as she headed toward The River with Wolf at her side, 'it would be perfect, but The River will do for now.' The wolf looked up at her at the sound of her voice. He had stayed close to her, not wanting to let her out of his sight since her return.
The hot sun felt good as she walked down the path toward the swimming place. She lathered all over, and washed her hair, then ducked under to rinse well and went for a long swim. She climbed up and rested on a flat rock to let the sun dry her while she combed her hair. The sun feels so good, she thought, spreading out her drying buckskin and lying on top of it. When was the first time I lay down on this rock? It was my first day here, when Jondalar and I went swimming.
She thought of Jondalar, in her mind's eye seeing him lying naked beside her. His yellow hair and darker beard … no, it's summer. He'd be clean shaven. His broad, high forehead beginning to show the lines caused by his habit of knotting it in concentration or concern. His vivid blue eyes looking at her with love and desire — Jonayla has his eyes. His straight fine nose and strong jaw with a full, sensuous mouth.
Her thoughts lingered on his mouth, almost feeling it. His broad shoulders, muscular arms, large, sensitive hands. Hands that could feel a piece of flint and know how it would fracture, or could caress her body with such perception that he would know how she would react. His long, strong legs, the scar on his groin from his encounter with her lion, Baby, and nearby, his manhood.
She was feeling her desire for him build just thinking about him. She wanted to see him, to be near him. She hadn't even told him she had been expecting a baby; now she didn't have a baby to tell him about anymore. She felt a wave of grief. I wanted the baby, but the Mother wanted it more, she thought, frowning. She knew I wanted another baby, but I don't think the Mother would have wanted a baby that I didn't want.
For the first time since her ordeal, she began to think about the Mother's Song, and with a chill of recognition, remembered the verse, the new verse, the one that brought the new Gift, the Gift of Knowledge, the knowledge that men were necessary for new life to start.
I've known it for a long time. Now She has told me it is true. Why did She give me this Gift? So I could share it, so I could tell the others? That's why She wanted my baby! She told me first, told me Her last great Gift, but I had to be worthy. The cost was high, but maybe it had to be. Perhaps the Mother had to take something of great value so I would know that I had to appreciate the Gift. Gifts are not given without something of great value given back.
Have I been called? Am I Zelandoni now? Because I made the sacrifice of my baby, the Great Mother spoke to me, and gave me the rest of the Mother's Song, so I could share it, and bring this wonderful gift to Her Children. Now Jondalar will know for certain that Jonayla is his as much as she is mine. And we'll know how to start a new baby when we want one. Now all men will know that it is more than spirits — it is him, his essence; his children are a part of him.
But what if a woman doesn't want another child? Or shouldn't have another one because she's too weak, or exhausted from having too many? Then she will know how to stop it! Now a woman will know how not to have a child if she is not ready, or doesn't want one. She doesn't have to ask the Mother, she won't have to take any special medicine, she will just have to stop sharing Pleasures and she won't have any more children. For the first time, a woman can be in control of her own body, her own life. This is very powerful knowledge … but there is another side. What about the man?
What if he doesn't want to stop sharing Pleasures? Or what if he wants a child that he knows comes from him? Or what if he doesn't want a child?
I want another baby, and I know Jondalar would want another baby, too. He's so good with Jonayla, and he's so good with the youngsters who are learning to knap flint, his apprentices. I'm sorry I lost this baby. Tears came to her eyes as she thought about the baby she miscarried. But I can have another one. If only Jondalar were here, we could begin to start another one now, but he's at the Summer Meeting. I can't even tell him about losing the baby if I'm here and he's at the Summer Meeting. He would feel bad, I know he would. He would want to start another
