There was a part of me, too, that knew sooner or later one or the other of them was going to make his move. But I wasn't thinking about that very much; I was too excited by the here and now of it all. Still, I wasn't naive. was your daughter; I knew about sex; I'd met your lovers. And the girls my age at Ashley-Bumett gossiped about little else but boys, what they liked to do and how a girl could handle them if she kept her wits about her. So on a mental level I pretty much knew what to expect. But having no practical experience and no psychological training, I badly underestimated my predicament.
It was around midnight (the dance was scheduled to end at 1:00 A.M.) that they first broached the notion of driving me home. 'We've got a car,' Jimmy said. 'We can easily drop you off. Anyway, aren't you getting tired of this crappy dance? Let's leave now, stop off for a nightcap at this dive we know. The bartender's a good guy.
He'll serve us without making us show ID. What do you say?' And when I hesitated: 'Not scared to go to a bar, are you, Bev-you who used to hang around with your mom at the Fairmount Club Lounge?'
Actually I was thrilled with the idea of going to a bar in the company of two handsome tuxedo-clad boys. So I sought out the girl whose father had driven me downtown, told her I'd arranged another fide, and enjoyed the obvious envy in her eyes when she warned me to watch out, I could get a bad reputation hanging around with the MacDonalds.
A bad reputation! At that moment I couldn't think of anything I wanted more!
We never did stop off at any dive, of course, if such a place did actually exist, which I doubt. Once we were in the car (Stu at the wheel, me and Jimmy in the back) the slim silver cigarette case emerged again. Jimmy and I shared a joint and then started in on a second.
Meanwhile, Stu drove us to a deserted overlook above the Cuyahoga River, parked, got out, came around to the back, and sat down on my other side.
There I was, Mama, boxed in between them. And then the fun began.
Stu deep kissed me. That was okay; I'd been looking forward to a real kiss like that. But then Jimmy kissed me that way, too, and that was kind of strange. I mean, there I was sandwiched between two brothers, both of whom were trying to make out with me at once.
'Hey, please! One at a time,' I said, or some such nonsense. That only encouraged them. Next thing I knew they both were simultaneously trying to undress me or at least gain access to my top.
'Down, boys!' I said, in the haughty way an AshleyBurnett girl might address a pair of obstreperous guys. And when that didn't stop them: 'Enough! Jimmy, Stu! Come on, let's all go home.'
'Uh-uh, Bev,' I remember Jimmy saying as he leered. 'Get into a car with a couple of horny brothers, you gotta take the consequences. Right, Stu?'
There was a lot of giggling then, I remember, mild attempts on my part to push them off, equally lighthearted attempts on theirs to unclasp my bra. We were in a kind of three-way wrestling match, laughing, having fun, and I confess I enjoyed the struggle, doubtless because I figured it wouldn't continue very long. Stu and Jimmy were decent, well-brought-up young men. Sooner or later, when they realized I wasn't going to play, they'd give it up, we'd stop off for the promised nightcap, and then they'd take me home.
That, Mama, was conventional dating wisdom as it was promulgated amongst the student body in the corridors and locker rooms of the Ashley-Bumett School for Girls. But wise though it might have been, it began to dawn on me some minutes into the struggle that in this case it was not going to apply. Then I panicked. I was scared, Mama, real scared. I began to struggle, struggle hard, and then, as can happen in close quarters like the back of a car, somebody got hurt.
It was Stu. Struggling with them both, I managed to stick my elbow in his eye. He got mad. 'Watch it, bitch.' The he slapped me, not full force, of course, but hard enough to make me scream.
Jimmy cupped his hand hard over my mouth.
'Why'd you hit her, Stu?'
'Bitch poked me in the eye.'
'We weren't s'posed to hit her.'
'Who cares what we were s'posed to do. Let's do what we want.
Yeah?'
At that Stu ripped down the entire front of my dress. And then the real combat began. Even through the haze of pot I knew I was in trouble and tried seriously to fight my way out of the car. Jimmy took hold of my arms and held them tight behind my back. Then Stu pulled off my bra and grabbed hold of my breasts. When I screamed, Jimmy cupped my mouth again. This time I bit his hand.
'Fuck!' He was furious. He grabbed hold of my hair and yanked it back. 'Bite me again, I'll clobber you, too. ' I screamed at them to let me go, and when they didn't, I began to beg. But by then they were all fired up. I'm sure all my struggling had turned them on. They'd reached the point where they wouldn't let me loose until I gave them something in return.
'Think we danced with you all night 'cause you're so attractive?' Stu sneered. He answered his own query. 'Only reason you trot a wallflower is to get her to Put out later on.'
Then they really started to work me over, Mama. they grabbed at me and grasped at me and taunted me for my ugliness. they laughed when I started to cry. 'Bet she's wet down there, too,' one of them said.
The struggle went on for a good ten minutes. they laughed and hooted and talked about me in the third person as if I didn't have ears or couldn't understand. 'Look at the way she twists. Like a snake.
What she needs is a good fucking, yeah?'
'Let's rip her panties off and fingerfuck both her holes. '
'Better, let's strip her and throw her out of the car. Make her hitch home bare-ass.'
'Yeah!'
And then, almost suddenly, it was over. The sneering and abuse petered out; the dark threats and rough grabs gave way to laughter and a lighter touch. There we were again, three kids squeezed together in the back of a car, the guys smiling, telling the girl to calm herself, the girl whimpering and shaking, then gingerly accepting the offered handkerchief to wipe away her tears. Stu got back in the driver's seat, drove us back to Shaker Heights. Half an hour later I was let off in front of my house with a 'Good night, Bev. See you around, kid.' I heard their laughter as they drove away.
What they did to me'that night wasn't a 'date rape,' Mama, but I think it was worse in a way than any rape I ever heard about in my practice.
Instead of raping me, they abused me; that, I've always thought, may have been their plan from the start.
I can just imagine the dialogue: 'Hey, Stu, let's have some fun.
Tonight, at this crappy dance we gotta go to, let's pick out one of the wallflowers, a real ugly-duckling type, know what I mean? Then dance her around, make her think she's got us all hot for her body. Then see if we can get her to do something really raunchy like suck us both off at once, maybe even take it up the ass.'
'Sure, great. But what if she doesn't want to?'
'She will. She'll be so grateful she'll do anything.'
'And if she isn't?'
'Screw it, bro. We'll dump on her. Give her something to remember us by. What do you say?'
In the end, Mama, it wasn't my body that was violated; it was my ego, my very soul. they shamed me, broke me down, made me cry and beg. they degraded me nearly as much as one human can degrade another, except, since there were two of them that night, my degradation was doubled.
You weren't there when I got home. You were still down at the lounge, having a drink with your cronies after your final set. But even if you'd been home, I don't know what I would have told you. I was just so embarrassed, so humiliated, so incredulous about what had happened. I doubt I could have talked about it to you or anyone else.
I tiptoed up the stairs. Millie was sound asleep. In our bathroom, I stripped off all my clothes and stared woefully at myself in the mirror.
It was Cinderella who stared back at me, Mama, Cinderella after her moment of triumph at the ball, transformed after midnight back into her drab and lonely self. But I was different inside, in a way that didn't show for several years. That night a killer was born. This wallflower, I promised myself, will one day have her revenge. And a few months later, on a miserable cold and rainy day, when I was sitting in the window seat on our landing and saw something in the sky, a flash of lightning and then a glimpse of black, I smiled as I grasped the process by
