Mihaly turned to him. “I’m an ordinary man, Laz. I have ordinary faults and weaknesses and feelings. I’ve let my emotions get in the way of reason.”
“Is it about Nina?”
Mihaly looked away. “Nothing’s wrong with Nina. It’s me, Laz.
You’re the only one I can talk to. I should have told you last summer, but I was a coward. I’ve… been seeing another woman.”
They stopped at a series of interconnected wooden platforms designed for children to climb in better weather. Mihaly sat on a low platform even though it was covered with snow. Lazlo stood above Mihaly. He wanted to scream. He was aware of having left his Makarov and shoulder holster locked in the Zhiguli. He wanted to tell Mihaly he had experience killing another man. Blood spurt-ing from a boy’s face momentarily blurred his vision…
Mihaly looked up. “I’m still seeing her, Laz. I’m still seeing her, and I feel guilty as hell.”
“You should feel guilty!”
“She works at Chernobyl,” said Mihaly. “She’s from another division. I didn’t seek her out. We simply met on occasion.”
“An occasional fuck?”
“It’s not her fault or my fault. It simply happened.”
“I hear this all the time from criminals! Nothing simply happens!”
“I understand your anger, Laz. In a way I welcome it.”
“You welcome it? A boy being scolded? You’re a man with responsibilities to a family!”
“I don’t expect you to understand. But I want you to know I still love Nina and the girls.”
Lazlo felt dizzy and braced himself against a vertical section of the playground equipment.
Mihaly looked down. “Please believe me, Laz. Juli is also sensitive to my family. We’ve discussed ending our relationship. But we keep putting it off. I felt if I told you, I’d gather courage to end it.
I still love Nina. Nothing… no, I can’t say nothing has changed.”
Mihaly looked up. There were tears in his eyes. “Everything has changed, Laz. It’s tearing me apart. All I can think about is Nina finding out. Sometimes I think she’s already found out because of the way she acts. But it can’t be. She must be reacting to the way I act
…”
“Next time you’re with this lover of yours… what was her name?”
“Juli.”
“Next time you’re with this Juli, you think of me! Think of your old brother because he’s going to tell you something he never thought he’d tell anyone. It’s about Nina. It’s about my feelings. It’s about sibling jealousy and envy and unfulfilled desire. When you’re at the market with Nina, don’t you see other men and even women looking at her? What the hell do you think it means, Mihaly? She doesn’t have a deformity, does she? I guess not! Perhaps it’s beauty.
And not just a pretty face or a slender figure. It’s the way she carries herself, the way she acts around those she loves. I’ve seen it, Mihaly.
I’ve seen the way she acts when she’s with you. You should look in a mirror when you’re with her!”
“Am I looking in a mirror now, Laz? Are you my reflection?”
“What do you mean?”
“Nina. If you wanted her so much, why didn’t you marry her?”
Lazlo reached out, saw his gloved hand open before Mihaly’s neck.
“Are you going to choke me, Laz?”
“I’ve killed before!” As soon as he said it, Lazlo wished he could take it back. His hand, inches from Mihaly’s neck, was shaking.
“What did you say?”
Lazlo pulled his hand back. “It would be better to use my belt on you because you’re still a boy.”
Mihaly stood up. “I deserve it. But you don’t know her, Laz.
You can’t know how it is. Just like with me and Nina, you see everything from the outside.”
They started walking again, Mihaly kicking snow up in front of him.
“She’s Hungarian,” said Mihaly. “In a lot of ways, she’s like Nina. I know. Don’t say it. Let me finish. It started last summer after she broke up with her boyfriend and her father died. She was alone when we met on the bus and realized we both spoke Hungarian. For a long time it’s what we did, speaking to one another in Hungarian on the bus. But then I walked her home.”
“I have one question I’d like you to answer truthfully, Mihaly.
And when you do… even if you don’t tell me the truth… when you answer this question honestly to yourself, you’ll know about guilt. You’ll know whose fault it was.”
“What’s the question?” asked Mihaly quietly.
“When did you tell her you had a family? Think about it, Mihaly. Not when you might have hinted it. When did you actually say, ‘Look, babycakes, I forgot to tell you, I’ve got this good-looking wife and two little girls to bring up?’”
They walked in silence for a while. Then Mihaly stopped.
“It was afterward. It was after I went to her apartment the first time.”
“And,” said Lazlo, “I don’t suppose she had a rope around your neck.”
“No, she didn’t.”
“Did she wear an evening gown on the bus so your hormones got the best of you?”
Mihaly began looking angry. “She’s not that kind of woman.
She’s attractive, yes. But it was a combination of things… her being Hungarian, her loneliness, both of us wanting to talk with someone after work about something other than work. I should have tape-recorded the entire affair to satisfy your curiosity.”
“Perhaps you should have, Mihaly. But would you have been able to afford all the tapes and batteries?”
Mihaly sighed, and they walked back to the apartment in silence.
During the remainder of the visit, Lazlo and Mihaly played with Anna and little Ilonka. Lazlo fought to remain cheerful. But each time he looked at Nina, he felt his anger grow. He was angry with Mihaly for being able to put on the act of faithful and loving husband. He was angry with himself for not being able to put on a cheerful act.
Nina must have sensed his anger because, while Mihaly gave horseback rides on the floor, Nina sat beside Lazlo on the sofa and asked if something was wrong.
“Nothing is wrong, Nina. You know how it is, these moods I get into…”
She sat close to him, placed her hand on his. “I know. Mihaly is sometimes like this. He says it’s in his blood. One minute he’s joking
… the next minute he’s brooding. I ask him what he thinks about when he broods, and he says it’s nothing. Are you the same, Laz?”
Nina’s hand was soft and warm. He could smell the sweetness escaping from the V-neck of her dress. The sofa sagged, and Nina’s hip pressed against his. He held her hand with both his hands, looked into her eyes, and said, “We Horvaths are very moody.” But as he said it, he felt his breath quicken because what he’d wanted to say, what he’d imagined saying in a different place, in a different time, was that he loved Nina and wanted to hold her, smother her with kisses, protect her from ever being hurt by anyone or anything.
As if she could read his mind, as if she wanted him as much as he wanted her, as if Mihaly was not whinnying and the girls not giggling on the floor, Nina smiled at him.
“You’re blushing, Lazlo. I’ve said something to make you blush.”
“Am I?”
“Yes. Is brooding a private thing? A secret between you and your brother, the horse?”
“Perhaps it is. We want to be morose until someone points it out. Then we deny it. Father was the same way.”
“And your mother?”
“She was kind and gentle and cheerful. A lot like you.”
Nina smiled and slowly withdrew her hand. She touched his cheek.
“You’re a good brother-in-law, Laz. And now I’m blushing.”
