Keeper of the Light

the floor of the living room, beneath the oval stained glass windows.

Alec lay perfectly still, letting the memories come and go, but the alcohol was having no effect whatsoever on his erection. Instead, it was garbling his thoughts, taking away his control over the images that came into his head: Olivia’s breasts, white and smooth in the light pouring from the other room; the thin line of liquid gold as it dipped between them; the firm nuggets of her nipples beneath his fingertips. He swallowed another mouthful of tequila, struggling to conjure up Annie’s face, Annie’s presence, but without success. He slipped his hand beneath the sheet with a sense of resignation, knowing that it would not be his hand he sank into, but the imagined warmth and comfort of Olivia’s body.

He came, explosively, angrily, a warm stream of tears slipping into his hair. “Annie,” he whispered. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

He fell into a deep, restless sleep. He dreamt they were lifting the lighthouse from the ground, twenty men or more, lifting it to their shoulders, then setting it, wobbling and creaking, onto the track. People cheered, while Alec’s heart pounded in his ears. The men attached a system of ropes and pulleys to the lighthouse, and the noble, tall white tower began its slow journey inland along the track. Alec was first to hear the cracking, first to see the mortar between the bricks turn to powder. He waved his arms at the men, screaming for them to stop, but they couldn’t hear him over the cheers of the crowd. Huge chunks of the lighthouse broke off, crashing to the sand in slow motion. Alec started to run toward it, but Annie was there. She caught his arm, and he saw her mouthing the words, although he couldn’t hear them above the crashing sound of the lighthouse: “…we should just let it go.”

“No!” Alec sat up in the bed. He was sweating. Breathing hard.

“Dad?” Lacey was calling to him from outside his bed room door. It must have been her voice that woke him up.

He ran his hands over his face, trying to rub away the dream. “Yes?” he answered, his voice so soft and tight that he wondered if it would carry through the door.

“Can I come in, please?” She sounded like a child. If he opened the door she would be standing there with her curly red hair, six or seven years old.

Alec’s head throbbed. The room was black except for the light from the digital clock. 2:07. There was a cold circle of wetness next to him on the mattress, and for a moment he thought he’d gotten so drunk that he’d wet the bed, until he remembered. The room smelled of tequila and sweat and semen. He could not let Lacey in here.

“Daddy? I need to talk to you, Daddy, please.”

“Give me a minute, Lace, and I’ll come out.” He got out of bed and hunted in the darkness for his shorts. He pulled them on as the room spun around his head. He was going to be sick. He made it to the bathroom in time and vomited twice before lowering himself to the floor and leaning back against the welcome coolness of the tile wall. He would sit for just a few minutes until the room stopped spinning.

He stood up after a while, testing his legs, testing his equilibrium. He was okay. He brushed his teeth, then found his T-shirt. The clock on the night table read 3:15. 3:15? He must have passed out. He opened his bedroom door, but the hallway was dark. One of the cats whisked by his legs, startling him, as he made his way down the hall to Lacey’s room. He knocked on her door, opening it when there was no answer. Her overhead light was on, but she lay fully dressed and asleep on top of her bedspread, one of her china-faced dolls clutched tightly in her arms. The smell of beer emanated from her, as if she’d bathed in it.

Alec got a blanket from her closet and laid it over her, tucking it around her shoulders. Then he sat on the edge of her bed and gently shook her arm.

“Lacey?”

Her eyes remained shut, her breathing deep and regular. He’d really blown it. She’d wanted to talk to him tonight. She’d needed to, isn’t that what she said? She’d even called him Daddy, but he had not been there for her.

She’d been drinking. It was undeniable now. He would have to talk to her, somehow preventing the discussion from turning into one more fight. It was good she was asleep. It would give him time to think through how to handle this. He wouldn’t come down hard on her tomorrow. He wouldn’t come from a place of anger. He would try to handle it the way Annie would have, and he’d tell her he loved her before he said anything else.

He leaned forward to brush the dark hair off Lacey’s forehead and saw the clean, straight line of red roots at her scalp. He stood up with a sigh and turned out the light, leaving his daughter alone, with her chin pressed against the cold china cheek of her doll.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

The call from Nola woke him the next morning. “Did you get a chance to see yesterday’s Gazette, hon?” she asked.

Alec rolled over to look at the clock, wincing as the bottle of tequila connected with his ribcage. It was nine- thirty, and there was a jackhammer in his head.

“Yeah, I did,” he said.

“I got so furious when I read it. I can just imagine how terrible you must feel, Alec. Do you think you should sue?”

He looked up at the ceiling. “I’ve spoken to Olivia Simon,” he said. “It was a judgment call, and she did what she thought was best. I’m convinced she was right. By the way, do you know who she is?”

“Olivia Simon?”

“Yes. She’s Paul Macelli’s wife.”

“You’re kidding. I didn’t know he was married.”

He thought he detected some disappointment in Nola’s voice. Perhaps she’d been interested in Paul herself. “They’re separated, but I think it’s temporary.” He drew in a breath, bracing himself for her reaction to what he was about to say. “She went up to Norfolk with me yesterday.”

Nola was quiet for so long that he wondered if she was still on the line. “She did?” she asked finally.

“Mmm. She’s had public speaking experience, so I had her take the radio interview.”

Nola hesitated again. “I could have done that, Alec.”