The Bay at Midnight

of threshold when I got my period and was no longer considered a child in their eyes. I knew rape meant sex forced on a woman, but I couldn’t understand how that could happen. How did a man do that? How did he pry a woman’s legs open? Imagining sex—even mutually desired sex—was so hard for me. I remembered trying to force that tampon inside myself. It had been impossible. If sex was so difficult to accomplish to begin with, then how could rape occur?

“Well, she did have a reputation,” Grandma was saying. “Libby said Madge was furious that anyone would think her son would do something like that.”

My mother laughed. “And the last thing anyone wants to see is Madge Walker furious,” she said. “Remember the time her husband accidentally spilled a drink on her at the clubhouse?”

It took a moment for the name to sink into my distracted mind. Madge Walker.

“What’s her son’s name?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Grandma said. “But she only has one.”

Oh, my God, I thought. How many Walker families could there be in our tiny community?

“Bruce,” my mother said. She looked at Grandma. “That’s it, isn’t it? Bruce?”

“Maybe,” Grandma said with a shrug.

My heartbeat kicked into high gear and I stared at my mother’s face. She was concentrating on her cards, not making the connection between the Bruce Walker who was a possible rapist, and Bruno, the boy who hung around with Isabel’s crowd of friends. Mom had even allowed Isabel to go for a boat ride with Ned because Bruno was with them!

And now I’d sent him out to visit my sister, who would be alone with him, in the dark.

“So the police decided he really didn’t rape that girl, right?” I asked as I discarded a seven of clubs. I didn’t care what card I got rid of.

“The girl was…loose,” my grandmother said, “so they couldn’t prove it one way or another. Even though she had bruises. That’s why you always have to keep your reputation clean.” She wagged a finger at me.

“Well, even if it wasn’t actually rape—” my mother pressed a tissue to her eyes again “—he’s doing things he shouldn’t be doing.”

“It was rape,” my grandmother said. “Libby was sure of it.”

My grandmother and mother continued talking about the neighborhood gossip, while my mind drifted even farther away. I remembered how unsure of himself Bruno had looked on his boat that afternoon when I suggested he talk to Isabel. He’d seemed intimidated and vulnerable. A rapist wouldn’t look so unsure of himself, I thought. He had to be innocent. The girl probably lied just to get him in trouble. But when I went to bed for real at around eleven o’clock, I couldn’t sleep. Was there a chance I had set Isabel up to be harmed? Was she still at one of her girlfriends’ houses? Should I sneak out and try to find her? I wished I could use the phone, but it was on the living- room wall, too close to my parents’ bedroom.

I moved over to the other bed in my curtained cubicle so that I could peer through the window. It was as dark as dark could get; I could barely make out the canal. The water and the woods and the sky were all the same shade of navy-blue. I sat there, listening to the crickets in the woods next door, feeling my options slip away from me as the minutes passed. I suddenly remembered Bruno talking about Isabel in Ned’s car, using his hands in a wordless allusion to my sister’s breasts. Oh, God.

It would be all right, I told myself. Maybe Bruno wouldn’t even show up. Then Isabel would come home, angry with Ned. That would be good. Maybe that would be an even better outcome for me—until Ned told her he’d entrusted me with the message that he would not be able to meet her. I hadn’t thought about that, about how annoyed Ned would be with me when I said I’d forgotten to give her his message. That would probably mess up any tiny chance I’d had with him to begin with.

The word rape kept slipping back into my mind. Was Bruno really a rapist? I thought of the girl who’d accused him. She had bruises, Grandma had said.

I got off the bed, unable to stand it anymore. The clock on my night table read eleven forty-five. I’d spent too much time thinking and not enough time acting. I was going to the beach. I quietly descended the pull-down stairs, thinking that if the current was moving in the direction of the bay, I would take the boat. If not, I would run to the beach. I wished I could take my bike, but it was in the garage and if I opened the garage door, I would wake up everyone in the house.

I should get Ned, I thought as I walked onto our porch. I should admit to him what I’d done and have him go with me. This was important enough, serious enough, for me to come clean with him.

I quietly left my house, then raced across the sand to the Chapmans’ back door. I lifted my hand to knock, but hesitated. The Chapmans’ house was dark, not a light on. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t knock on the door, wake up his parents, and have to explain my stupid scheme to all of them. Certainly they would get my own parents involved and that would just waste time. I turned around, and although the night was very dark, I could see the outline of their Adirondack chairs, four in a row, as I ran back to my own yard and our dock.

The current was lazy, probably on its way to slack tide, but it was still pulling in the direction of the bay, and the water sparkled with phosphorescent jellyfish. I’d seen that glittery display of light before, but not yet this summer, and I decided it was a good sign, for no reason other than that I needed to think positively about what lay ahead. I untethered the boat and climbed down the ladder, then used the oars to push out of the dock.

The current caught the runabout and carried it slowly toward the open water of the bay. I sat near the motor, clutching the tiller handle to keep from being pulled against the bulkhead. How much time had passed since I’d checked the clock? Five minutes? Ten? The second I hit the end of the canal, I would start the motor and head toward the platform. Bruno probably wouldn’t be there yet if it was not quite midnight, and I would tell Isabel that I’d forgotten to give her Ned’s message. She’d get in the boat. I’d bring her home. And what if Bruno was already there? I’d make up something on the spot. Anything. I just wouldn’t let her stay there alone with him.

“Come on. Come on.” I urged the boat as it neared the bay. I was certainly far enough from the house to start the motor now. I pulled on the cord but received only a sputtering reply. I yanked again. And again. The motor was behaving as it had the day I took Wanda and George to the river, only this time I didn’t have George to get it started for me. I drifted into the bay as I fought with the motor. A slim finger of panic ran up my spine as the dark expanse of water surrounded me, and an unexpectedly stiff breeze pushed me away from the beach that was my destination. I had to get the boat started. I yanked several more times, my arm aching