The Midwife's Confession

She felt dizzy from the heat of the night as well as from his admission.

“I love you, too,” she said.

He nodded. That was no surprise to him. “You understand how it is with Tara and me, don’t you? Our history. And how we’ve always just known we’d be together.”

She nodded. “I love Tara, too,” she said honestly. “If I can’t have you, I’d want her to have you.”

“The sort of life I want, I can have with her.” He seemed lost in his own thoughts. “A normal, settled-down kind of life.”

She felt the slightest sliver of pain. “What am I?” She smiled. “A freak?”

He laughed. “You’re different, Noelle. Wonderfully different. You’re never going to want the big house and the white picket fence and the two kids and a dog.”

She wondered if that was really what he wanted. There was a very large part of Sam Vincent that was not a white-picket-fence sort of guy. But she didn’t want to hurt him or Tara, and debating the merits of a settled-down life with him could only lead down that path.

“Just be my forever friend, okay?” she asked.

He held his skewer in front of her, offering her the perfect golden marshmallow. “You’ve got it,” he said.

She slipped the marshmallow from the skewer with her fingertips and popped it into her mouth, feeling proud of herself for not asking more of Sam, proud of herself for not hurting Tara, not daring to think that forever was a long, long time.

24

Tara

Wilmington, North Carolina

2010

Noelle’s house looked sad to me as I pulled into the drive way. The painters had scraped much of the blue from the front of the cottage and the siding was mottled and ugly. The sun had just risen, glowing pink in the windows. It was Saturday and I didn’t know if the painters were working today. I hoped not. I was here to work on the garden and I wanted the time to think.

Emerson had found Anna. She was the head of a missing children’s organization, which made her into a real human being to me, a woman who’d lived through an unimaginable horror and come out of it strong and determined. I’d felt sick to my stomach when Emerson called to tell me what she’d learned. With each new piece of information, this woman’s story was going to feel more real and our need to do something about it more inescapable. Emerson was coming over to my house that afternoon and we’d figure out what to do next. I knew she regretted ever opening that box of letters.

I got out of my van and surveyed Noelle’s front yard. It was a mess, overgrown and weedy. Noelle’d had no interest in yard work with the exception of the garden. Although I was in charge of that garden until the house was rented, I’d only had time to water it and pull a few weeds. Now, nearly three weeks after Noelle’s death, it needed some major attention. I pictured people driving by the decrepit house and yard, whispering to one another, Something terrible must have happened here. They wouldn’t know the half of it.

Emerson had left Noelle’s gardening tools in a large bucket on the back steps, but I’d brought my own. I sat on the steps, slipping on my kneepads and gloves as I looked out over the yard. It was small, the grass tired, the one tree stunted and scraggly. Someone had cut the grass recently; I could see the lines left by the mower. The yards on either side of Noelle’s bled into hers. It was a sorry sight. Except for the garden. The rising sun seemed to settle on that corner of the yard, lighting it up like a jewel.

Behind me, Noelle’s house felt so haunted that I shivered and got to my feet, walking away from it and toward the garden. If you have a friend, I pondered, a good friend, a woman you love, and you learn she’s done something abominable, do you stop loving her? In spite of everything we were learning about Noelle, I refused to forget what she’d meant to us. To me. I was haunted by the note she’d left behind in which her one request was to take care of her garden. I would do that for the Noelle I knew and loved. The Noelle who lied and deceived had not been well, and I blamed all of us for not recognizing that fact and taking better care of her.

The garden was laid out in a triangle, the sides about seven feet long, and it was bursting with color in spite of the fact that we were now into October. Containers of all shapes and sizes were filled with chrysanthemums that she must have planted right before she died. I got to work, cutting back the coneflowers and black-eyed Susans and Shasta daisies. I weeded around the impatiens. I’d brought a flat of pansies with me and I carried it from the van and planted them around the birdbath. I felt as though I wasn’t alone—the little bronze girl on her tiptoes was so real that I started talking to her.

“Look at these herbs,” I said to her as I weeded around the parsley. Noelle had tricolor sage and pineapple sage and rosemary. She had gorgeous Thai basil. I cut some of every herb to give to Emerson that afternoon.

I was deadheading the mums when I remembered a conversation I’d had with Sam not long before he died.

“What’s with Noelle’s garden?” he’d asked me in bed one night.

“What do you mean?” The question seemed so out of the blue.

“She was telling me about it.” Sam rarely had a reason to go to Noelle’s house. He’d probably never even seen her garden.

“Well, it’s tiny but beautiful,” I said. “She loves it and she has a real green thumb, though you’d never know it from the front yard.”

“She said she has a special birdbath.”

I described the birdbath to him and told him about the reporters who’d wanted to write about it and how she wouldn’t let them. It hadn’t struck me as strange that Sam asked me about the garden at the time. I figured Noelle had collared him at a party and talked his ear off. Now, though, I wondered if that conversation had taken place over lunch in Wrightsville Beach. Something about them getting together like that still upset me. Not that I thought they were having an affair—I couldn’t picture that at all—but I was bothered that neither of them had ever mentioned it to me. Ian was probably right that it had to do with Noelle’s will, in which case I suppose it made sense that Sam never mentioned it. Either way, I would never be able to know the answer. Maybe that’s what bothered me the most.

A few hours later, I was in my kitchen with the coffee brewing as I waited for Emerson. I’d made a fruit salad the night before, some of which I’d tried to push on Grace before driving her to the Animal House that morning, but she’d wanted a Pop-Tart and that was it.

Emerson was bringing over some of her zucchini and Gruyere cheese quiche and homemade coffee cake. How