Grime and Punishment

possible? Strangling somebody must take a lot of strength. Certainly the victim fought back. Even Jane could probably toss tiny Joyce around like kindling if she tried. But, as she considered this, an image flashed through her mind. She'd gone with Shelley to a rehearsal one night last spring, and Joyce had been there,carting stage scenery around with the abandon of a seasoned dockhand. And then, if you add the sheer adrenaline of fear..

Joyce had gotten sidetracked from theater concerns momentarily and was telling a Polish joke. ' — and the other one said, 'I know why we didn't get any ducks. We weren't throwing the dogs high enough.' “

Jane had heard it before and laughed politely. Shelley hadn't, and her laugh was a bit giddy, just short of going out of control.

Get your thoughts organized, Jane scolded herself. Supposing Joyce could have done it, why would she? Asking 'Are you being blackmailed?' didn't work, as her conversation with Suzie had proved. She had to figure this out fast; Joyce was looking for her car keys.

“I've got to run,' she said, standing. 'Edith is off sick today and I have a substitute. I want to keep an eye on what she's doing….”

Did she mean how well she was cleaning, or was there a concealed worry that this one would snoop around and find out something too?

“Joyce, wait a sec. There's something I want to talk to you about.'

“I don't think this is the time—' Shelley said, shaking her head in warning. 'Don't you have to pick Todd up from school?'

“I don't drive this afternoon,' Jane said. 'Joyce, I think there's something I should tell you. I know why Edith is blackmailing you.”

Joyce's eyes opened even wider, and she sat back down with a thump. 'Oh…”

Ah-hah, it's true, then, Jane thought.

Joyce's tiny chin was trembling, just like a child trying not to cry. 'Oh, Jane. I didn't want anybody to know. Ever.”

How am I going to get her to tell what it was while acting like I already know? I should have worked this out better, Jane thought in a panic. She kept her voice calm. 'We're your friends. You can talk about it to us.”

Now the tears came. 'You're a saint, Jane. Have you known all this time and never said anything?”

Jane nodded sympathetically. Joyce took out a tissue and blew her nose. Shelley looked across the table at Jane, her eyes wild with questions. Jane sketched a tiny shrug. Shelley rolled her eyes and suppressed a groan.

“I've been living in absolute terror all these months that you'd find out somehow.' Joyce blew her nose again. Her pretty face was streaked with tears, and her mascara was running. 'That terrible Edith came on the wrong day the second time I had her and caught us, otherwise nobody would have ever known…”

Us? Caught doing what?

“It's all right,' Shelley said soothingly.

“All right? Oh, no. Of course it's not. It was horrible. I can see that now. It would have been the worst mistake anybody ever made. Stupid and cruel. I've come to hate myself for even thinking of it.”

What was she talking about? Planning a bank robbery? Did Edith find the gang sitting around the living room with floor plans and blueprints?

Joyce reached out and took Jane's hand. 'I can't imagine why you didn't just kill me. I thought at first you knew, and then when youdidn't say anything, I started thinking that maybe you didn't. I never knew just what happened, you see—”

Jane's fingers tensed.

“—and the newspaper reports didn't say which way the vehicles were headed when it happened, and I thought maybe he hadn't even been home yet to tell you—”

A lump the size of a frozen basketball was forming in Jane's stomach.

“—and I couldn't really ask, could I? Jane, it was all my fault. Really, it was. It was just a fling in his eyes. At least at first. He'd have come back to you. I'm certain of it. My life would have been ruined, but it would have been just what I deserved. Actually, in an awful way, I didn't mind paying the blackmail. It was the only way I could pay for my sin—”

Jane pulled her hand away slowly and got up. Looking as stricken as Jane felt, Shelley was on her feet instantly, but Jane put out her hand in a mute gesture to hold her off. 'Oh, Jane!' she said, her voice breaking. 'I'm so sorry!”

Joyce looked from Jane to Shelley and back again. Comprehension began to dawn. 'What — what is happening? Oh, God! You didn't know!' She put her head on the table and began to sob. 'My g-g-goddamn big m- m-mouth! Now I've m-m-made it worse!”

Picking up her purse, Jane went to the door to the garage like a sleepwalker.

“Wait, I'll come with you!' Shelley cried. 'No! Thank you, but I'd rather just have a little time to myself,' Jane said. Part of her rec? ognized and complimented herself on how calm and well behaved she was being.

She pulled up the garage door, got in the car, buckled her seat belt, checked the rearview mirror, and backed out carefully. She drove away, leaving Joyce Greenway crying at her kitchen table.

Eighteen;;• The shopping center was two miles from Jane's house. When she and Steve had first moved into their home, the spot was an open field. A few years later the land had been cleared, graded, and 'improved' by the building of a gigantic complex of shops, restaurants, and movie theaters. Adjacent property had been purchased for possible expansion, but had never been put to use. The shopping center parking lot, far larger than needed, still backed up to what had once been a Christmas tree farm.

It was here that Jane and Steve had come years ago on a frigid, windy Sunday with Mike and Katie, both of them dressed in quilted snowsuits that made them look like brightly colored Pillsbury Doughboys. They had carefully dug up a small fir tree that sat in the living room in a bucket for the holidays and then went outdoors. It now shaded the patio from the afternoon sun. It, like the children, had grown beyond recognition.

The trees on the farm had been neglected. Those nearest the parking lot had grown brown and dingy from traffic fumes. Many had died, others were stunted and twisted. A stand near the north end had been wiped out by a fire started by lightning the previous spring. Scattered stumps showed where a few had been cut. But those remaining were towering now, and made dark, secret places. Today, the abandoned Christmas tree farm looked as desolate as Jane felt.

She stopped the car at the very end of the shopping center lot. There was nothing near her but cracked asphalt, crumbling curbing, and a rusted lamp standard that someone had backed into and bent. They didn't even paint parking lines this far from the shops. She turned off the engine and stared at the trees, trying to recapture the simple and happy life of that December day, when the children were little and she didn't suspect that Steve would ever stop loving her.

Damn him to hell!

She let herself topple over sideways, her face resting on the upholstery fabric. Tears boiled over, and she wrapped her arms around her head, sobbing. For a long time she had no thoughts, no words, just a heart- constricting agony fighting to get out. She cried until she was exhausted.

It had all happened so long ago. She was well along the road of getting over it. Or had been, until a few minutes ago. Why should this information have been so devastating?

Because she'd always assumed it was someone from work: some cute sales rep from one of the drug firms — they were using a lot more women these days — or a customer, or a beautiful young pharmaceutical graduate. Somebodysafe and anonymous. She'd never even dreamed the woman he'd left her for was someone she knew. A friend! Well, not much of a friend, as it appeared now.

All this time it had been Joyce Greenway. A woman like herself. Like herself. That was the painful part, not even the fact that they knew each other.

That frosting job of Joyce's certainly concealed the same occasional gray hairs Jane had. The tummy tucks couldn't erase stretch marks. Dam-mit! Joyce's hormones were running down at a rate equal to everybody else's. Joyce drove the same teenage children in car pools, she had the same cleaning lady, the same civic committees and concerns, the same orthodontist for the kids. The times they'd sat around that waiting room together while braces were being tightened!