Mulch Ado About Nothing

temporarily lost her fake accent. 'One guy at school with a broken arm had a really cool one. His mother wove ribbons like a plaid design on his and stuck them down somehow. So when do you get it off?'

“Before it gets really filthy, I hope. The doctor didn't say. Just that I had to come back in two weeks to have it X-rayed again.'

“Cool. They'll have to cut it with a saw to do that,' Katie said. 'Can I come along?'

“My leg or the cast? A real saw?'

“I do not know, ma mere. I'll ask my friend.”

Katie had spent the first two weeks of summer vacation in France with her best friend, Jenny, and Jenny's parents, who had begged to have Katie along so Jenny wouldn't be bored with the sightseeing they planned to do. Jane had been more than glad to spring for the plane fare to get Katie out of her hair for part of the summer. Katie'd made no effort to get a summer job, not even at her usual summer haunt, the town swimming pool. Something about the chlorine ruining her hair. Even before the trip idea came up, Jane had dreaded having her underfoot and at loose ends for the whole three months.

The trip hadn't quite turned out as Jane imagined. Katie had fallen in love with all things French. The French were 'civilized' and ate dinner at ten at night. She'd been saving up the dinners Jane made to warm back up and eat just before she went to bed. She wanted her mother to study wine sauces and get some good veal. Quite a change from her earlier views of meat, and veal in particular.

“Katie, you're going to have to take over some of the cooking for us,' Jane said. 'It's too hard for me to get around the kitchen right now. But no veal. Why don't we make up some menus? It's time you learned how to cook.'

“What about Mike? He's older than I am. Make him learn to cook.'

“He doesn't care what he eats.”

The kitchen door had opened and closed while they were discussing this. 'Are you talking about me?' Mike said, coming in the living room with a girl in tow. 'Mom, this is Kipsy Topper. We met today at the garden place where I'm working for the summer.”

Jane had to make a serious effort to keep her jaw from dropping. Kipsy Topper, if that was really her name, which Jane was certain it wasn't, was the last thing she'd ever expected Mike to bring home. She had flame-colored hair. Or maybe it was a wig. Sort of like a big Raggedy Ann doll. Her eyebrows and nose were pierced and she was wearing what looked like a very flimsy slip over baggy jeans. There was a snaketattoo on her skinny shoulder. She could have been fourteen or twenty-four. Either way, too young or too old for Mike. And much too bizarre. He'd always gone for the blond cheerleader types.

“Kipsy…' Jane said, gulped, and went on, 'how nice to meet you.”

She was looking at Mike as she spoke. He was smiling blandly.

“If you're talking about food,' he said, 'Kipsy and I are going to a Thai restaurant this evening where she works part-time. She was buying plants for the owner to decorate the place. They're in my truck. We're taking them over now. Be back late probably.”

Jane sat thunderstruck as Mike whisked Kipsy out of the house.

“Wow!' Katie said.

“Is that a good wow or a bad one?' Jane asked.

“Mom,' Katie said critically, 'you can't go on judging people by how they look. That's so frumpy and it's bigoted besides.'

“I certainly can judge people when they make an effort to look like freaks,' Jane said. 'That says something about their personality.”

Katie couldn't answer this, so she just sniffed with contempt and said, 'I thought she looked cool. I might do that to my hair.'

“Over my dead body,' Jane said. 'Or yours. I'll let you drive us to the grocery store on your learner's permit if you promise not to scare me.'

“I think Mike has gone over the edge,' Jane said to Shelley later. 'You should have seen this girl.'

“I did,' Shelley said. 'Through my kitchen window as they came in your house. I wanted to go find my Denise and lock her in a closet until she's twenty-five. Maybe thirty. Where did Mike find her?'

“At the nursery where he's working. She was buying plants for the restaurant where she works. The owner must have taste as bad as hers to turn her loose to make decorating decisions, considering how she's decorated herself.'

“Don't worry. Mike's a bright kid. He won't fall for her,' Shelley said.

“What if you're wrong?' Jane whined. 'Can you imagine having a daughter-in-law like that? Think of the wedding. Probably held in a Thai restaurant with bridesmaids in underwear or saris. Or under some bridge downtown next door to a body-piercing emporium.'

“Maybe he just dragged her in to show you a novelty,' Shelley said.

“Dear God, I hope so.'

“Jane, you're the one going over the edge. He apparently just met her. Don't go worrying about a wedding. You'll see that he doesn't marry until he finishes college.”

Seven

Jane puttered around in the kitchen awkwardly, trying to think what would be easiest to cook for dinner. A roast maybe. Just put it in a bag and drag it out later. But that would take two hands. Could she balance herself well enough without at least one crutch to do that? Hamburgers on the grill? Nope, too many steps down to the patio.

As she cruised the fridge, there was a banging on her kitchen door and Ursula Appledorn walked in. Jane wished she weren't so careless about locking up and that non-family members or close friends would not assume an unlocked door meant you didn't have to knock. But she put on a welcoming smile because that was how she'd been raised.

“You need good food and I've brought it to you. Hold the screen door for me,' Ursula said, going back to an even more disreputable station wagon than Jane's.

In a moment she was back with a large paper carton that she started unloading on Jane's kitchen counter.

“Hominy,' she said of a covered dish she slapped down. 'Lots of nutrients. Some dandelion greens from my own yard, barely cooked so the vitamins are still in them. Be sure to drink the juice. Tons of calcium and potassium. Good for broken bones.'

“Uh… Ursula, I'm planning to have hamburgers for dinner.'

“Meat?' Ursula was stunned. 'I didn't think anyone actually ate meat these days. The government demands that so many cancer-causing chemicals are in it.'

“I think you might have that backwards. The government tries to make the farmers take out the chemicals,' Jane said, examining the dandelion greens, which seemed to have a good many foreign objects that looked like insects cooked up with the greens. She hoped they were just flowers that had wilted to that stage.

“No, dear. The government is responsible for poisoning us. At the very least, you have to admit they allow it. Look at the strawberries that they let into this country. Death on a stem. And here's some totally natural bread. I made it myself out of organically grown potato flour and free-range eggs.' The bread made a thunk like a brick being dropped.

“Ursula, I'm really not entirely helpless. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but—'

“Think nothing of it, Jane. We're all in this together. I'm a nurse, you know. Well, I was a nurseuntil the government took away my license on a foolish pretense.'

“What was the pretense?' Jane couldn't help but ask.

“Drug dealing,' Ursula said calmly, taking the lid off a bowl of soybean curd with a greenish blue gravy over it that looked suspiciously like algae. 'Ridiculous, of course. I didn't use any of the so-called controlled substances. Only natural herbs, spices, and minerals for my private patients. And they all thrived. Why, one got to be a hundred and one years old and left me all her money out of gratitude for making her last two years so stimulating. Now, sit down at the table and let me dish this all up for you.”

By now Jane needed to sit down, but not to eat. Was this, she hoped, a onetime visit or did Ursula plan on forcing revolting food on her until her foot healed? Horrors!