“You haven’t been here to see me for a while. What brought you?”
“I’ve been busy with Adam and Marsha. Marsha’s been difficult for weeks, not sleeping and messing the house. The doctor says it’s the terrible twos.”
“I’ve seen William taking them down to the beach. You know, you’ve a good husband there, Lynne?”
“I know.”
“Then why come up here to see me?”
“I was thinking that-”
“You were thinking? Or did the Caucus call on you tonight and suggest it’s time everyone worked a little harder to keep Greg Valdiva sweet?”
“Greg, no, they didn’t.” She looked hurt. “I know full well what happened today. I thought you needed someone you could talk to.”
“Or someone to fuck?”
She smiled. “If that’s what you want. I’ll be more than happy to-”
“To turn tricks like a whore?”
“Anything you want, Greg. I’ll do-”
“Anything?” My voice had risen louder. My heart beat furious against my chest like an angry fist. Yes, she would do anything. I could be brutal. I could hurt her. Beat her with my fist as I filled her with my cum. And she’d smile and say, “Thank you, Greg, I’m delighted to be of service.” She’d say the words in that polite hotel receptionist voice of hers. Her smile wouldn’t falter. I could insult her, foul mouth her husband, trash her kids to hell and back. That’s why I felt myself getting angry with her. Because she was willing to sacrifice so much of herself to keep me sweet. As if I was some fucking hairy-assed god or something. The whole of Sullivan would bust their spleen to keep me sweet. Because I’d recognized a stranger for what he REALLY was. I’d saved their skins again. Only I didn’t feel good about it. I didn’t feel good about being offered the chocolate cake. I didn’t feel great about being offered a good man’s wife.
Let me tell you this: It ain’t pretty. I ain’t proud. Once, soon after I arrived here, when I felt lonely as hell, I’d fucked Lynne. The great and good of the town recognized the value of me forming an emotional attachment to Lynne. That fucking her every once in a while would keep me sweet. Maybe I would even fall ass-over-tit in love with her; then she’d have a hold over me and, in turn, Sullivan would have me in its grip. Then I wouldn’t leave. I would be the town’s guardian angel forever.
But their plan didn’t work. Not exactly. Yes, Lynne is beautiful. She has the willowy body of a supermodel. She’s a gold medal-winning lover. But I’d fucked her because I was lonely and I wanted to sleep with my arms around a woman. Only it wasn’t an addiction. Because I felt a great heap of guilt burning inside me. Her husband was a nice guy. Very softly spoken and always shot me a friendly smile, like I was doing him a HUGE favor by humping his woman.
So, as Lynne began to speak sweetly, as she began to move toward me with that hip-swaying walk of hers, and shoot me those love-me-tonight looks I found myself wanting to make me, Greg Valdiva, ugly from the soul outward to the tip of my sunburnt nose.
But I couldn’t be deliberately cruel. She was a sweet-natured person. Instead I kept saying to her in a voice that came to my ears as a hoarse whisper, “Go home, Lynne; it’s late.”
“But I want to stay here with you, Greg.”
“You belong at home, Lynne. Your kids and your husband are asleep. Go back to them, Lynne.”
“Greg-”
“Lynne. Please. What I really want now… what would make me really happy… is to be left alone.” I looked at her, knowing right then how good it would be to see her naked and to be able to kiss her breasts, stroke her legs. But guilt tore through me like a burning stake. “Lynne, go home.”
She sighed. “OK, Greg.” She spoke lovingly. Her voice just so sweet I felt the blood tingle in my veins.
“But if you need anything, you know where I’ll be.” She smiled. “Call me, right?”
“Right. Thanks, Lynne.” I said it as if I meant it. What’s more I realized I did mean it.
For a second she paused. I thought she’d kiss me. A sweet, good-night kind of kiss. But if she did that, I don’t think I could stop myself from kissing her right back on her soft mouth. Once I was on that track I’d be on the old animal roller-coaster ride. I’d have her for sure. But not there. Not where I built the block of stones that I’d keep building I guess until they touched the sky. Or I died first. One of the two.
But she smiled a bright smile, wished me good night. Then lightly she walked back along the headland path in the direction of home and family. After that I stood looking out across the lake. At the way the moon filled it with lights that seemed to swell then shrink like a million beating hearts. With Lynne gone she no longer filled the night air with her perfume. I smelled lake water. Eventually the thump of my heart receded and I could hear the crickets again, riding with the ghostly call of a night bird.
At last I finished placing the final stone of my regulation dozen. It gleamed there in the moonlight. A block of white stone close on six tons. Just for a moment my mind raced through the rock, down into the soil. There was an irrational kind of eagerness to see what nine months lying in the ground had done to them.
It required physical effort on my part. A real wrenching back to stop myself picturing them.
Even so, one memory came back clearly enough. The week after I’d buried my mother and twelve-year-old sister here up on the headland I’d visited them. Some wild animal had opened up the single grave they shared. Strands of Chelle’s lovely dark hair lay pasted around the sides of the hole. Somehow it looked like the way seaweed looks on the beach. The paws of the animal had clawed it all in the same direction. The thing’s teeth had messed their faces, but it was the hair I remember so strongly. Dear God, that memory’s a hard unforgiving shape inside my head. Chelle liked playing with that hair. Not in an aren’t-I-so-pretty kind of way. She’d fool around with it. Of course my mother would go nuts when she saw the way Chelle would gel it in spikes or braid it with fuse wire. What really detonated the Mom bomb was when Chelle shampooed this paste they use at school to glue paper (it’s kid-friendly glue; not the kind you’d inhale to get so high you jump off the school roof or torch the principal’s car-a kind of flour and water mixture); anyway, she mixed this gloop into her hair, then molded it so it stood on end like a unicorn’s horn. It made her a good foot taller. What’s more, the thing set concrete hard.
Mom exploded. But she saw the funny side of it later. A good six weeks later, that is.
So, it was seeing her lovely hair smeared like seaweed in the dirt by some slobbering raccoon that really sent me over the edge. That was the birth of my GODDAM OBSESSION. I refilled the hole. Then I placed a layer of rocks over it so nothing could disturb the grave. As I worked I saw that you could interlock the different shaped rocks like a jigsaw puzzle. I kept going. Outward and upward. I keep adding to it. You see, I don’t think I could stop myself if I tried.
It’s a monument to my mother and sister. A good one, I think. In a hundred years’ time people will stop on the headland, look at that big cube of stone, and even though they might not know who lies there they’ll tell each other that those people were important. They weren’t forgotten.
The day the stranger died-the one with the Jesus eyes-I decided to build another kind of monument. It would be to the people I’ve met. To the people I found myself killing. Hell, it might even be some kind of monument to me. One that people can look at a hundred years from now and know what life was like the year the entire world went wrong. That monument, I decided, would be the story of what happened to our world and about what happened to me.
And this is it.
Three
Do you understand people? Can you guess what’s going through their minds? I used to date a girl who would be nice as pie with me all day, then turn ’round in the evening and say the day had been total crap. If she was nice to me one week she’d be one hell of a bitch the week after. As if she’d overspent from her good-nature account and needed some back.
Three days after I killed the blue-eyed stranger pretty much the whole of Sullivan was like that. That mood pendulum swung from gratitude to one of hatred. OK, so it was concealed hatred. But they hated me when they said their Good morning, Greg s. When I delivered firewood it pained them to be so ingratiatingly nice. Though
