'That's HUNTER. From Hunter Does Hunter.'
'Oh,' Nick says. 'I get it now.' He draws a map on the paper placemat on the table. 'Dev's with Ted, who's also Hunter, but he's not Randy, who wanted Caroline, who I guess is the girl in the back of the van with Thom and Scot?'
I place my hand over his fist. 'YES!'
It's almost like I've shared another dance with Johnny Castle, and I must be sleeping because this is not real, Nick is not real, this is not happening. I hope I don't wake up too soon. I pinch his thigh to check, and he leans over to me, and we're both smiling in anticipation and our eyes are meeting and something I think very natural and sweet is about to happen here, except-
A Beast stands over our table. It points at me. 'I need to talk to you. Come into my office.' Tris whips around and heads toward the bathroom. I'm amazed that even with her thick black roots peeking through her platinum- blond hair, the eyeliner and lipstick on her face smudged from the night's adventures, her eyes bloodshot from fatigue, she still manages to look hot. It's so wrong.
I stand up from the table and wiggle my index finger at Nick. He'll never get it, but I borrow from Heathers as I leave him to follow Tris. ''A true friend's work is never done,'' I singsong.
''Bulimia is so '87, Heather,'' he answers.
HOLY SHIT squared. I think I just had my first orgasm.
Tris is peeing when I walk in. She is not a person who cares about privacy. But I close the door behind me anyway and say, 'What the fuck are you doing here?' She gives me this great castoff, like a gift fallen from the sky, and yet she seems determined that I should not open it or enjoy it.
'I lost my date and I knew I would find you here, borscht bitch. I need cab money home. I figure you owe me. Fifty bucks ought to cover a gypsy cab back to Jersey and a Starbucks run.' She wipes, stands up, flushes. 'So can I have it?' She shoves me aside to wash her hands at the sink.
'How do you figure I owe you?'
'You know, I'm giving you Nick.'
'Are you really?' I ask. Because we should get this clear once and for all.
'I really am,' she says, applying a fresh coat of lipstick. I believe her.
'I think I really like him,' I say.
'He likes you, too. Just don't name your children after months or fruits. Promise me.'
'What?' I say.
She faces me. 'Are you going to give me the fifty bucks or not?'
'Don't you think Nick is worth more than that?'
'Bitch, I'm not trying to quantify the value of a human being. I just need to get home. And don't cry poor because I know you have a secret stash of emergency money tucked in some pocket.' She leans over me and, honest to Allah, frisks me. 'Jesus, you're stacked! Why do you hide it under these huge shirts all the time?'
I thought I used up my emergency money when I gave my secret stash to the cabdriver who got me here, but then I remember the fifty-dollar bill Thom gave me earlier to take Nick out on a date intended to free the boy of Tris's ghost. So much for that fund. Thom and Scot couldn't have anticipated that the wildebeest herself would profit from their contribution to Nick's night out.
I shove Tris away and reach inside the inner pocket of my flannel shirt. I hand Tris the fifty-spot. 'Thank you!' she snaps. She turns to leave, but I pull her back.
'Tris?'
'What, bitch?'
'Am I really frigid?'
She sighs. 'Of course you're not frigid. Don't believe all the propaganda Caroline and Tal have laid on you. I saw you kissing Nick earlier tonight. Looked to me like you two knew what you were doing.'
'But I don't,' I say.
'Don't what?'
'Know what I'm doing.'
Tris rolls her eyes. She walks over and points her index finger at me. 'I'm gonna give you a little help here, but first you have to swear to me you didn't know Nick before tonight and this wasn't some-whadyacallit-streetlamp setup to trick me-'
'Streetlamp trick?'
'You know, to make me think I'm going crazy when really you've been plotting this all along.'
'That's Gaslight, Tris. Not streetlamp. Remember that movie my mother made us watch at my eleventh birthday slumber party? And no, I never met Nick before tonight.' I raise my hand and make the Girl Scout honor pledge sign.
'Okay, then,' Tris says. 'I believe you.'
She takes her gum from her mouth and presses it against the wall behind me, pinning me there with her upraised arms. Then she presses against me and my eyes are still open and they see her coming in and HOLY SHIT triple squared, she says, 'Kiss your partner's upper lip.' She kisses my upper lip, softly, gently. 'That's yang.' Her lips move down. 'Kiss your partner's bottom lip.' She kisses my bottom lip, more urgently. 'That's yin.' She pulls away but her left hand is now under the back of my shirt, pressed against the small of my spine. 'Start by opening up your chakras, like that.'
I don't say anything. My lips remain parted, not sure if the lesson is over.
'Or,' Tris says, 'you can try this one.' With both hands, she pulls my face to hers. She sucks my upper lip between her lips, and then her tongue is in my mouth, caressing the middle area between my upper lip and my gums. I never even noticed that area was there. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm not frigid. 'That's the frenulum,' she says when she's done. She pats down her hair. 'That little connective tissue inside your mouth. It's a Hot Spot. You can use that one on Nick, you have my permission. I don't think I ever used that one on him so it's not like you'd be copying me.'
I'm standing against the wall, unsure of what to say or do. Now I'm sure I'm in a dream.
Tris says, 'Or you can be inventive. Go on. Try me.'
What the hell? I turn my head at an angle and lean in to her face. I place my hands on her hips, press against her. Slowly, I kiss her upper lip, yang, suck on her lower lip, yin, but instead of following up with tongue, which her mouth definitely seems to want, I return to her upper lip and give it some gentle bites.
She pulls back. 'Nip kissing! Good instinct, Norah. See? You're not frigid. Gotta be careful with that one, though. Only do it with a partner you trust. Those teeth can get dangerous with the wrong person.'
'How do you know so much?' I ask her. I mean, I know she's a groupie bitch, but she's barely voting age-she hasn't had that much time to acquire so much knowledge.
'Hello, bitch, I can Google sexual techniques just as well as you could if you wanted. It's not brain science here.' She turns to leave and reaches for the door handle, then pauses and turns back around to face me. 'But, Norah?'
'Yes?' I whisper.
'Get to know him first. You and he are not the one-night-stand types. You're all sensitive and shit. Don't go too fast.'
And she's gone.
'Bye, Tris!' I gasp.
From the open door, I see her breeze past Nick on her way out of the restaurant. She tells him, 'I told you that you'd find her someplace! Good job! And good luck with that one. You're gonna need it. I almost feel sorry for you.'
I feel less sorry for Nick now. Maybe he's not some poor schmuck. I totally get how he got so whipped.
15. NICK
While they're in the bathroom together, I try to distract myself by coming up with a list of things that could be worse than having your vehement ex drag your current she's-so-frickin'-cool girl away for some cubicle
