The Kingdom of Childhood

She smirked. “Because you lost that desperate vibe. There’s only one explanation when a straight guy starts acting like he doesn’t care if girls like him or not. He must be getting laid on a regular basis. It made me jealous.”

Zach laughed. “That’s goofy.”

“It’s true. And I couldn’t figure out who, and it was driving me crazy. I know every girl at Sylvania. It’s not any of them. So who is it?”

He grinned. “It’s Ms. Valera.”

She broke into laughter. “Oh, no! That’s why she called you out of class last week, huh? So she could molest you in her supply closet?”

“Yep.”

Her laugh carried the music of her lovely soprano. She rested her elbows against her knees, leaning toward him. He looked at her: at her silver-trimmed ears with her pale blond hair tucked behind them, at her broad beautiful smile, at the way her crystal necklace dangled above the dark shadow of her cleavage. He didn’t want her jealousy; he didn’t want her to know at all. The way she leaned toward him, he suspected she would welcome it if he kissed her. But he couldn’t do it. He would be cheating on her before they even got started. She was too beautiful to be led into the muck he had made out of his sex life in the short time since she had introduced him to that pleasure. And so he tossed a piece of ice into her cleavage and made her scream.

“Any day now,” said Rhianne, patting Zach’s mother on the stomach and slinging her stethoscope around her neck. She helped her to sit up, and Zach had to smile at his mother’s cumbersome movements. All his life she had been lithe and graceful, but now she was in full waddle mode, swaybacked half the time from her burgeoning stomach.

“Pregnancy is a beautiful thing,” said his mother, “but I can’t wait for it to be over.”

“You’re not the first woman I’ve heard say that. Take it easy, all right? Make this one treat you like a queen.” She gestured to Zach and winked. “I’ll see you in a week, or less if you’re lucky.”

He followed Rhianne to the foyer, opening the door immediately to let her out. She looked amused by his rudeness, but he rallied by trailing her out the door and closing it behind them. The porch light shone bright above their heads, a white moth beating against it in looping arcs.

He asked, “Are you in a hurry?”

“Of course not. What’s up?” Over her coveralls she wore a thick down vest, forest green. Her breath came out in clouds.

With a deep exhale of his own he pointed toward the driveway, indicating they should walk. She took the cue, pulling her knit cap from her pocket and tugging it over her short low pigtails. They stuck out like the ends of paintbrushes when she turned to him again, hands crammed deep into the pockets of her vest.

“I’m in a relationship of sorts,” he said carefully, “and it’s a problem.”

“How is that?”

“I don’t want to be.”

Rhianne nodded. “But you feel afraid to break it off. Is that it?”

“Yes and no.” He sighed heavily, sending a whirl of condensation into the night air. “I’ve tried. But it’s almost like I’m addicted to her body. About ninety-five percent of me doesn’t enjoy it at all anymore, but the five percent that does won’t give it up.”

“And what about her? How does she feel about it?”

“Fine, as far as I can tell. I don’t think she feels conflicted like I do. Not in the same way, at least.”

She tipped her head in a musing way. “Do you feel maybe she loves you, and you’re not so sure?”

“No. Love’s not part of the equation at all. It’s just sex. Which I also feel pretty shitty about, to tell you the truth. I don’t think you need to be in love, necessarily, to have sex with somebody, but I don’t think it’s supposed to be this totally meaningless, either. You’d think that would make it easy to give it up, but if you did, you’d be wrong. Really, really wrong.” His laugh sounded hollow even to him.

“Zach,” said Rhianne, “I understand this is the first sexual relationship you’ve had—”

“It’s not.”

“Okay, well, the first that’s felt like this. But you don’t have to stay in any relationship that isn’t rewarding. There will be others, and you’ll enjoy them just as much.”

He shook his head. “Not like this. Not like her. She’s insane. She’s always on, way on. And knowing I shouldn’t be doing it makes it even better.”

Rhianne frowned. “Why shouldn’t you be doing it?”

He sighed again. “Because of who she is.”

“Who is she?”

The curiosity in her eyes was so polite. Somehow he had assumed that as soon as he brought it up with her she would know the situation was skewed and abnormal, that she was being called in like a hostage negotiator or a bomb technician, because what else would explain how he had found his way into a woman’s bed? Yet she seemed unsurprised, as though she saw nothing out of the ordinary in the fact that a girl had said yes to him. Well, she was about to be surprised now.

He squinted against her coming reaction and said, “She’s a teacher at my school.”

Rhianne sucked in her breath. Zach knew he could trust her, but still the force of her response made his stomach cramp up. She asked, “One of your teachers?”

“No, no. In the Lower School.”