had tried to date every coed at the University of Michigan?
Time for action. Tony slid open the screen door and entered the townhouse. He marched through the family room, down the short hallway, and into the living room. The scene was much as he had anticipated. Josh reclined on the reclining chair with a can of beer in his hand. Two men sat on the couch, each with his own can of beer. They were all casually dressed, in jeans and T-shirts touting athletic teams or running events that they undoubtedly hadn’t participated in. If they were like Josh, their main exercise was elbow bending.
Spilled potato chips littered the carpet and were in danger of becoming a permanent part of the weave. The ubiquitous cooler sat on the floor at Josh’s side. Tony glanced at the screen of the television set and recognized a scene from the movie, Saving Private Ryan. Nobody saw him for a few seconds. All eyes were intent on the screen. He cleared his throat, between explosions.
Josh turned his head toward Tony and said, “Noodles. You’re home from the Hotstuff Line. The hero returns to collect his reward for valor.”
Tony knew what was coming and stepped aside as Josh tossed a can of beer to him, so that most of the ice water flying in formation with it missed him as he reached out and deftly caught it with one hand. He had always had good hands. If he had only been taller and about twice as fast, he could have been a wide receiver. He popped open the beer and took a swig.
Josh aimed his remote at the TV and put the movie on Pause. “Noodles, I want you to meet two of my buds.”
Josh named two names that didn’t register in Tony’s consciousness. He did shake hands with them, not bothering to apologize for having a wet and cold hand from the beer, because their hands were equally wet and cold.
“There was a time when Tony would have been here partying with us,” Josh said. “But, alas, that doesn’t happen anymore. Because Tony has been saved. Speaking of being saved, how went the battle tonight? Did you convince any queers with AIDS that were about to blow their brains out not to, even though that’s probably a mistake? And was that underage babe working with you tonight? What’s her name-Sarah?”
“Sally.”
“Sally.” He turned to his friends. “Tony has a tough job. He answers telephones and listens to the problems of people more fucked up than we are, all night. So you think you should feel sorry for him, right? But what you don’t know is that while he’s doing it, he hangs out with these teenage babes who don’t wear any clothes.”
“Cool,” friend one said. “I wish I could get a job like that.”
“The only problem,” Josh said, standing up, “is that they have their bodies pierced in so many places that you can’t touch them without getting stabbed.”
“That’s not true,” Tony said, realizing how dorky he sounded.
Josh ignored him and said, “It’s not just their ears, although some of them have enough metal in their ears to build a tank.” He lifted his T-shirt and said, “Belly buttons.” He pointed to his own belly button, which stuck out, along with the rest of his belly. “Wouldn’t I look great with a navel ring?” He moved his belly in and out, using more muscles than Tony had seen him use in a while.
The friends laughed. Tony wondered how he could put a stop to this.
“Nipple rings.” He pushed his T-shirt higher and grabbed one of his nipples with the same hand. The other hand still held a can of beer. “How do you suck on that with a ring in your mouth. Ugh. But worst of all is the clit ring. Does Sally have a clit ring, Tony?”
Tony had to restrain himself to keep from throwing his beer can at Josh. He said, “I want to talk to you in the other room. Now.”
Josh was still playing to his friends. He shook his head and said, “When Noodles uses his school-teacher voice, I have to listen. It won’t be pretty.” He unpaused the movie and said, “I don’t want you guys to have to hear it.”
Tony led the way through a short hallway into the family room and then turned left into the kitchen, placing the maximum amount of distance between them and the living room. He turned to face Josh, who had followed him. He was seething so much he couldn’t talk. Josh stood and sipped beer, an innocent look on his face.
“First of all,” Tony said, finding his voice, “you’re not supposed to have guys over during the week.”
“Oh, yes. Dumb me.” Josh struck himself on the forehead with the heel of his hand. “Dorm rules. But I figured since you weren’t here, it would be okay. I planned to kick them out before you got home. Sorry. I lost track of the time. What time is it, anyway?”
“It’s ten-thirty. And I don’t care whether I’m home or not. You disturb the neighbors with all your noise.”
“Okay, okay, I know when you’re provoked. I’ll tell them to leave now.”
“Wait. I’ve got something more to say. I don’t like the way you talk about the girls on the Hotline. In fact, I don’t like the way you talk about all women. You know what you are? You’re a misogynist.”
“A what-gynist? Is that anything like a gynecologist? Tony, my boy, you have flipped. You have absolutely flipped. Do you know what that job has done to you? It has made you into a wimp, a wuss. A goddamned wuss. You are not the same Tony I knew. And I don’t like the new model.”
“Well then, maybe you should move out.”
This stopped Josh in his tracks. He became quiet. Gone was the bluster. His face became as red as his hair. He stared at Tony. “Move out? You want me to move out?”
“If you don’t like what you call the new me. If you don’t like the rules around here. If you can’t become a civilized member of society. Don’t you think, Josh, that after all these years, it’s time for us to grow up? If you can’t handle that, then yes, you should move out.”
“I’ll be out of here in thirty days.” Josh turned on his heel and stomped out of the room.
Tony couldn’t sleep. He was having second thoughts about Josh moving out. For financial reasons. How was he going to make the payments on the townhouse without Josh? He might have to get another housemate. And as obnoxious as Josh was, at least Tony knew him and his habits.
He knew that although Josh might spill beer and potato chips on the living room rug, he wouldn’t completely trash the place. He had a steady job and paid his bills. He might bring in loud friends to party with, but at least they wouldn’t be drug dealers and hoods. He was a bigot, but Tony could ignore that. Most of the time. He might badmouth women, but he didn’t physically abuse them. He might belittle Tony’s job on the Hotline, but he wouldn’t actually interfere with anything Tony did.
Maybe he should talk to Josh in the morning. Well, he probably wouldn’t see him in the morning because Josh would still be in bed when he left. But tomorrow evening for sure. This thought didn’t give Tony peace. There was something else. Something unresolved. He had called Josh a misogynist. A woman hater. He had never thought of Josh as hating women before. Was this true?
Tony started remembering things. Josh aggressively pursuing women in college. But did he do it because he liked them? Sometimes it had seemed to Tony as if he had a score to settle. Josh had been his hero because he could get the girls. Tony had learned from him. Learned very well from him. But in spite of the reputation he had gained of picking them up and then dumping them, Tony’s relationships had lasted longer than Josh’s.
Tony couldn’t remember Josh ever dating the same woman for more than a month or two. When the romances fizzled, it was always the woman’s fault-never Josh’s. Tony had met many of them. They were personable, good-looking, smart. No, Tony didn’t believe that the women were always at fault. It was something about Josh.
Tony remembered things Josh had said. “Women were put on earth for our pleasure.” “A broad lying on her back with a sack over her head and her legs spread is pretty much like every other broad.” Were these the statements of a man who liked women?
And Josh’s nickname for him-Noodles. It dated from college. A bunch of the guys and gals had been eating sushi and drinking sake at a Japanese restaurant. At some point, one of the guys and one of the gals went outside to the guy’s van. The guy came back a while later and said the girl was in the van, stripped and waiting for anyone who wanted to have her. Josh had immediately volunteered.
When he returned, he tried to get Tony to go. “She’s hot to trot, Tony. Never pass up a free piece of
