Not My Daughter

In hindsight, she was glad that she did. Sporting events were a good place to talk with parents. Some came over to express condolences on her father's death, others to discuss the Gazette. The latter were dismayed by the letters and supportive of Susan's position.

Then came Allison Monroe. She reported that she had overheard Evan Brewer in the faculty lounge that morning making arguments for why his approach to discipline was the best. Furious, Susan pulled out her BlackBerry and sent him a note. My office. Seven A.M. tomorrow.

On Friday, too, he was five minutes late, and then he walked in with coffee from Starbucks-only one cup, clearly for him. Not that Susan wanted coffee. But if she sensed she had done something her boss didn't like, she would have brought a peace offering. Not Evan Brewer.

Acting the mature professional with Phil was important, but Evan wasn't Phil. And Susan was pissed. 'Are you bad-mouthing me in the faculty lounge?' she asked with little preamble.

He gave her an odd smile. 'Am I what?'

'Bad-mouthing me. You were discussing Michael's case with other teachers.'

'Who said this?'

'That's not the point. Your discussing it is a violation of Michael's privacy-and totally unprofessional. You were basically saying that your way of disciplining Michael is better than mine.'

'No, Susan. It was a philosophical discussion.'

'With you taking the opposite position from the one that your boss takes?' Really pissed, she said, 'Would you have appreciated your faculty second-guessing your decisions when you were the headmaster?'

'I'm sure they did. A head can't control what his faculty does. But in this case, I was only trying to help.'

'Help how?'

He shrugged. 'This may be the last thing you want to hear right now… but there's been a lot of talk about the lack of discipline here. I presented my argument in a way that suggested you do consider all possibilities. In that sense, I was standing up for you.' He arched an arrogant brow. 'Look at it this way. I'm older and have more experience. My being more visible isn't a bad thing.'

Susan could not have disagreed more. 'You aren't principal here, Evan. Assistant principal isn't even part of your title. It's bad enough that I asked you not to act on Michael's case and you went ahead and did it. But now to talk up the issue behind my back?'

He made a dismissive sound. 'They were already talking. I wasn't saying anything they didn't want to hear.'

'You think so? For the record,' she said quietly, 'I was hired because the parents here wanted a different approach to running this school. I've had no problem with the faculty.' Legitimately puzzled, she frowned. 'I don't understand, Evan. I hire and fire my staff, which means that your job is in my hands. Doesn't that worry you?'

He stood up, even though she hadn't ended the interview. 'Hey, I was just trying to help.'

'Please don't.'

Susan was itching to vent when she reached the barn Saturday morning, but something stopped her. It might have been the power of this place imposing its own kind of calm. Or the fact that Sunny and Pam were no-shows. Or the lure of spending the entire day dyeing wool, which, once they finished the last of the formulas, was what she and Kate did. Kate had staff to help get PC Wool out in quantity. But like knitting itself, dyeing was therapeutic.

They didn't talk much. Susan couldn't bear to speculate on what it meant for Sunny and Pam to be sitting this out, she was tired of thinking about the Gazette, and when Kate asked if she had talked with her mother since returning, she just shook her head.

They did discuss wool. That was acceptable.

Babies were not. But two little grandbabies must have been with them in spirit, because the colorway Susan and Kate worked up first was Robin At Dawn, which contained reds, browns, pinks, and blues-far more of the last two than Susan had expected, though hers was the hand that poured the dye. And even then, when Kate made a comment about Monday being the big day, Susan didn't follow.

'Lily's sonogram,' Kate prompted. 'Mary Kate and Jess are all fired up about it. They're still betting it's a girl. What do you think?'

'I think,' Susan began but faltered. She had so much else on her mind besides a baby. 'I think I'm still not ready. Are you?'

'No. I'm glad Lily's first.'

They worked on a bit before, anguished, Susan stopped. 'I used to fantasize about inviting my parents to Lily's wedding. She'd be marrying a great guy; they'd be an absolutely beautiful couple. And then when kids came, and I could tell my parents that they were going to be great-grandparents-wow, that would have been something. Now Dad's gone, Mom's not talking to me, Lily is doing exactly what they wouldn't want, and my job is on the line. How awful is that?'

Chapter 20

Susan began Monday with mixed feelings. On one hand, she was not looking forward to the sonogram. Sonograms made babies real. She wanted Lily's to stay abstract for a while longer, at least until she got the rest of her own life straightened out.

But she loved Lily, and since Lily was beside herself with excitement, Susan couldn't help but catch some of her mood. In Lily's mind, it was like the first day of kindergarten or the night before Christmas. The hospital where she had her appointment was a thirty-minute drive from Zaganack, and she chatted the whole way.

'They take pictures during the sonogram, did you know that, Mom? We get to take them home-and I know she'll look Martian, but she's four and a half inches long now. I'm going to frame the pictures. I mean, I am going to take pictures constantly once this baby's born, but these will be the very first. You waited to learn the sex.'

'Lots of parents still choose to wait.'

'Not me. I want to know for sure. Actually, they may not be able to tell me today. It depends on the baby's position. Thank goodness I'm this far along.' She crinkled her nose. 'I wouldn't like having the sonogram done transvaginally-I mean, I'd be okay with it, but transabdominal is more comfortable, and I think they can see more this way because they can move the probe more to get a better view. Doesn't that make sense, Mom? I mean, it'll be so much easier when the baby gets bigger. Mary Kate wanted to come, but I told her no. This time's just for you and me. That's how it should be, don't you think?'

You should be twenty-five and married, and your husband should be the one driving you, Susan thought. But she was coming to accept that these things weren't to be. The baby was something else. Bracing for the reality of it, she was feeling flutters in her own stomach when the sonogram began. Lily lay on a table with the small swell of her abdomen exposed. The technician squirted a gel, spread it with the transducer, and images soon appeared on the screen. Reaching for Susan's hand, Lily drew her close to the head of the table, but the images were hard to decipher. The technician was patient, explaining what she saw, and suddenly Lily gasped.

'Omigod. Look, Mom!'

Susan felt the same amazement. Even in a grainy image, the blotch on the screen had become a baby. Moving her probe, the tech was able to show them its profile-eyes, nose, mouth-primitive but distinct-and familiar, though Susan would have been hard-pressed to say which one feature was Lily's. The tech took a picture, adjusted her equipment, and pointed out arms and legs. But the second Susan knew she was lost was when she saw the pulsing point of a beating heart.

This was why she hadn't wanted to hear the heartbeat before; a heartbeat meant life. She remembered the first time she'd heard it when she was carrying Lily. It had been the moment Susan truly realized she was a mother.

And now? In an instant, Susan's perspective changed. It was no longer about her teenage daughter being pregnant. Now it was about her daughter's child-her own grandchild-a very real human being. Susan felt pure awe.