“Jack, you never saw him before in your life.”
• • •
This morning I spread a bit of syrup on my pancake. It’s actually good the two together.
Grandma’s tracing around me, she says it’s fine to draw on the deck because the next time it rains the chalk will all get washed away. I watch the clouds, if they start raining I’m going to run inside supersonic fast before a drop hits me. “Don’t get chalk on me,” I tell her.
“Oh, don’t be such a worrywart.”
She pulls me up to standing and there’s a kid shape on the patio, it’s me. I have a huge head, no face, no insides, blobby hands.
“Delivery for you, Jack.” That’s Steppa shouting, what does he mean?
When I go in the house he’s cutting a big box. He pulls out something huge and he says, “Well, this can go in the trash for starters.” She unrolls. “Rug,” I give her a huge hug, “she’s our Rug, mine and Ma’s.”
He lifts up his hands and says, “Suit yourself.”
Grandma’s face is twisting. “Maybe if you took it outside and gave it a good beating, Leo. .”
“No!” I’m shouting.
“OK, I’ll use the vacuum, but I don’t like to think what’s in here. .” She rubs Rug between her fingers.
I have to keep Rug on my blow-up in the bedroom, I’m not to drag her all around the house. So I sit with her over my head like a tent, her smell is just like I remember and the feel. Under there I’ve got other things the police brung too. I give Jeep and Remote especially big kisses, and Meltedy Spoon. I wish Remote wasn’t broken so he could make Jeep go. Wordy Ball is flatter than I remember and Red Balloon is hardly at all. Spaceship is here but his rocket blaster’s missing, he doesn’t look very good. No Fort or Labyrinth, maybe they were too big to go in the boxes. I have my five books, even
“I’m Jack’s Dylan,” says Old Dylan.
“I’m Jack’s one too,” says New.
“Yeah, but actually I was Jack’s first.”
Then Old and New bash each other with corners till a page of New rips and I stop because I’ve ripped a book and Ma will be mad. She’s not here to be mad, she doesn’t even know, I’m crying and crying and I zip away the books in my Dora bag so they don’t get cried on. The two Dylans cuddle up together inside and say sorry.
I find Tooth under the blow-up and suck him till he feels like he’s one of mine.
The windows are making funny noises, it’s drops of rain. I go close, I’m not very scared so long as the glass is between. I put my nose right on it, it’s all blurry from the rain, the drops melt together and turn into long rivers down down down the glass.
• • •
Me and Grandma and Steppa are all three going in the white car on a surprise trip. “But how do you know which way?” I ask Grandma when she’s driving.
She winks at me in the mirror. “It’s only a surprise for
I watch out the window for new things. A girl in a wheelchair with her head back between two padded things. A dog sniffing another dog’s butt, that’s funny. There’s a metal box for mailing mail in. A plastic bag blowing.
I think I sleep a bit but I’m not sure.
We’re stopped in a parking lot that has dusty stuff all over the lines.
“Guess what?” asks Steppa, pointing.
“Sugar?”
“Sand,” he says. “Getting warmer?”
“No, I’m cold.”
“He means, are you figuring out where we are? Someplace me and your Grandpa used to bring your ma and Paul when they were little?” I look a long way. “Mountains?”
“Sand dunes. And in between those two, the blue stuff?”
“Sky.”
“But underneath. The darker blue at the bottom.”
My eyes are hurting even through my shades.
“The sea!” says Grandma.
I go behind them along the wooden path, I carry the bucket. It’s not like I thought, the wind keeps putting tiny stones in my eyes. Grandma spreads out a big flowery rug, it’s going to get all sandy but she says that’s OK, it’s a picnic blanket.
“Where’s the picnic?”
“It’s a bit early in the year for that.”
Steppa says why don’t we go down to the water.
I’ve got sand in my shoes, one of them comes off. “That’s an idea,” says Steppa. He takes his both off and puts his socks in them, he swings them from the laces.
I put my socks in my shoes too. The sand is all damp and strange on my feet, there’s prickly bits. Ma never said the beach was like this.
“Let’s go,” says Steppa, he starts running at the sea.
I stay far back because there’s huge growing bits with white stuff on top, they roar and crash. The sea never stops growling and it’s too big, we’re not meant to be here.
I go back to Grandma on the picnic blanket. She’s wriggling her bare toes, they’re all wrinkly.
We try to build a sand castle but it’s the wrong kind of sand, it keeps crumbling.
Steppa comes back with his pants rolled up and dripping. “Didn’t feel like paddling?”
“There’s all poo.”
“Where?”
“In the sea. Our poos go down the pipes to the sea, I don’t want to walk in it.”
Steppa laughs. “Your mother doesn’t know much about plumbing, does she?”
I want to hit him. “Ma knows about everything.”
“There’s like a big factory where the pipes from all the toilets go.” He’s sitting on the blanket with his feet all sandy. “The guys there scoop out all the poo and scrub every drop of water till it’s good enough to drink, then they put it back in the pipes so it pours out our faucets again.” “When does it go to the sea?”
He shakes his head. “I think the sea’s just rain and salt.”
“Ever taste a tear?” asks Grandma.
“Yeah.”
“Well, that’s the same as the sea.”
I still don’t want to walk in it if it’s tears.
But I go back down near the water with Steppa to look for treasure. We find a white shell like a snail, but when I curl my finger inside, he’s gone out. “Keep it,” says Steppa.
“But what about when he comes home?”
“Well,” says Steppa, “I don’t think he’d leave it lying around if he still needed it.”
Maybe a bird ate him. Or a lion. I put the shell in my pocket, and a pink one, and a black one, and a long dangerous one called a razor shell. I’m allowed take them home because finders keepers, losers weepers.
We have our lunch at a diner which doesn’t mean just have dinner but food anytime at all. I have a BLT that’s a hot sandwich of lettuce and tomato with bacons hidden inside.
Driving home I see the playground but it’s all wrong, the swings are on the opposite side.
“Oh, Jack, that’s a different one,” says Grandma. There’s playgrounds in every town.”
Lots of the world seems to be a repeat.
• • •
“Noreen tells me you’ve had a haircut.” Ma’s voice is tiny on the phone.
“Yeah. But I still have my strong.” I’m sitting under Rug with the phone, all in the dark to pretend Ma’s right here. “I have baths on my own now,” I tell her. “I’ve been on swings and I know money and fire and street persons