Distress

“Thank you.”

“That part at the end, though… Elaine Ho on gender and evolution. Did you honestly believe that?”

Ho had pointed out that humans had spent the last few million years reversing the ancient mammalian extremes of gender dimorphism and behavioral differences. We’d gradually evolved biochemical quirks which actively interfered with ancient genetic programs for gender-specific neural pathways; the separate blueprints were still inherited, but hormonal effects in the womb kept them from being fully enacted— essentially “masculinizing” the brain of every female embryo, and “feminizing” the brain of every male. (Homosexuality resulted when the process went— very slightly—further than normal.) In the long term—even if we took an Edenite stand and refused all genetic engineering—the sexes were already converging. Whether or not we tampered with nature, nature was tampering with itself.

“It seemed like a good way to end the program. And everything she said was true, wasn’t it?”

Alice was noncommittal. “So what are you working on these days?”

I couldn’t bring myself to own up to Junk DNA… but I was just as afraid to mention Violet Mosala, in case my own doctor turned out to know more about Mosala’s TOE-in-progress than I did. It wasn’t an idle fear; Alice was obscenely well read on everything.

I said, “Nothing, really. I'm on holiday.”

She glanced again at my notes on her desk screen—which would have included data from my pharm. “Good for you. Just don’t relax too hard.”

I felt like an idiot, caught out in an obvious lie—but as I walked out of the surgery, it ceased to matter. The street was dappled with leaf-shadows, the breeze from the south was soft and cool. Junk DNA was over, and I felt as unburdened as if I’d just been granted a reprieve from a fatal disease. Epping was a quiet suburban center: a doctor, a dentist, a small supermarket, a florist, a hairdresser, and a couple of (non-experimental) restaurants. No Ruins; the commercial sector had been bulldozed fifteen years before and given over to engineered forest. No billboards (though advertising T-shirts almost made up for the loss). On rare Sunday afternoons when nothing else claimed our time, Gina and I walked up here for no reason at all, and sat beside the fountain. And when I came back from Stateless—with eight whole months to edit Violet Mosala into shape—there’d be more of those days than there’d been for a long while.

When I opened the front door, Gina was standing in the hall, as if she’d been waiting for me to return. She seemed agitated. Distraught. I moved toward her, asking, “What’s wrong?” She backed away, raising her arms, almost as if she was fending off an attacker.

She said, “Andrew, I know there’s no good time. But I waited—”

At the end of the hall were three suitcases.

The world drew itself away from me. Everything around me took one step back.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“Don’t get angry.”

“I'm not angry.” That was the truth. “I just don’t understand,”

Gina said, “I gave you every chance to fix things. And you just kept right on, as if nothing had changed.”

Something odd was happening to my sense of balance; I felt as if I was swaying wildly, though I knew I was perfectly still. Gina looked miserable; I held out my arms to her—as if I could comfort her.

I said, “Couldn’t you tell me something was wrong?”

“Did I need to? Are you blind?”

“Maybe I am.”

“You’re not a child, are you? You’re not stupid.”

“I honestly don’t know what I'm supposed to have done.”

She laughed bitterly. “No, of course you don’t. You just started treating me like some kind of… arduous obligation. Why should you think there was anything wrong with that?”

I said, “Started treating you… when? You mean the last three weeks? You always knew about editing. I thought—”

Gina screamed, “I'm not talking about your fucking job.'”

I wanted to sit down on the floor—to steady myself, to regain my bearings—but I was afraid the action might be misinterpreted.

She said coldly, “Please don’t stand there blocking the way. You’re making me nervous.”

“What do you think I'm going to do? Take you prisoner?” She didn’t reply. I squeezed past her into the kitchen. She turned and stood in the doorway, facing me. I had no idea what to say to her. I had no idea where to begin.

“I love you.”

“I'm warning you, don’t start.”

“If I’ve screwed up, just give me a chance to put things right. I’ll try harder—”

“There’s nothing worse than when you try harder. The strain is so fucking obvious.”

“I always thought I’d—” I met her eyes: dark, expressive, impossibly beautiful. Even now, the sight of them cut through everything else I was thinking and feeling, and transformed part of me into a helpless, infatuated child. But I’d still, always, concentrated, I’d always paid attention. How had it come to this! What signs could I have missed… when, how? I wanted to demand dates and times and places.

Gina looked away and said, “It’s too late to change anything. I’ve found someone else. I’ve been seeing someone else for the last three months. If you really didn’t know that… what kind of message did you need? Did I have to bring him home and screw him in front of you?”

I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to hear this; it was just noise that made everything more complicated. I said slowly, “I don’t care what you’ve done. We can still—”

She took a step toward me and shouted, “I care! You selfish moron! I care!” Tears were streaming down her face. Beneath everything I was struggling to understand, I just ached to hold her; I still couldn’t believe I was the reason for all her pain.

She said contemptuously, “Look at you! I'm the one who’s just told you I’ve been screwing someone else behind your back! I'm the one who’s walking out! And it still hurts me a thousand times more than anything will ever hurt you—”

I must have thought about what I did next, I must have planned it, but I don’t remember turning to the sink and hunting for a knife, I don’t remember opening my shirt. But I found myself standing by the kitchen doorway, carving lines back and forth across my stomach with the point of the blade, saying calmly, “You always wanted scars. Here are some scars.”

Gina threw herself at me, knocking me off my feet. I pushed the knife away, under the table. Before I could get up, she sat on my chest, and started slapping and punching me. She screamed, “You think that hurts? You think that’s the same? You don’t even know the difference, do you? Do you?'

I lay on the floor and looked away from her, while she pummeled my face and shoulders. I felt nothing at all, I was just waiting for it to be over—but when she stood up and started to leave, making sniveling noises as she staggered around the kitchen, I suddenly wanted to hurt her, badly.

I said evenly, “What did you expect? I can’t cry on cue like you do. My prolactin level’s not up to it.”

I heard her dragging the suitcases along the hall. I had a vision offal—lowing her out the door, offering to carry something, making a scene. But my desire for revenge had already faded. I loved her, I wanted her back… and everything I could imagine doing to try to prove that seemed guaranteed to hurt her, guaranteed to make everything worse.

The front door slammed shut.

I curled up on the floor. I was bleeding messily and gritting my teeth as much against the metallic stench, and a sense of helpless incontinence, as against the pain—but I knew I wasn’t cut deeply. I hadn’t gone insane with jealousy and rage and severed an artery; I’d always known exactly what I was doing.

Was I meant to feel ashamed of that? Ashamed that I hadn’t broken the furniture, disemboweled myself—or tried to kill her? I could still feel the sting of Gina’s contempt—and if I’d never really known her thoughts before, I’d understood one thing as she knocked me to the floor: because I hadn’t