And then Lula got lucky, or unlucky depending on your point of view, and she shot Brown’s pinky toe off.
And he fainted. Crash. Flat out on his back with his foot bleeding, and his flagpole standing at attention.
Lula stared down at Brown’s stiffy. “He must have taken one of those pills on account of that’s just not normal.”
“You’ve got to stop shooting people!” I said to Lula. “It’s against the law.”
“He said I was a fat chick.”
“That’s not a good reason to shoot someone’s toe off.”
“Seemed like it at the time,” Lula said. “What are we gonna do now? We gonna drag his ass out to the car?”
“If we bring him in now we’ll have to take him to the hospital first. And then we’re going to have to explain the missing toe.”
“Yeah, and the giant boner. I don’t mind so much taking responsibility for the toe, but I don’t want nothin’ to do with the boner.”
His cell phone was lying on the coffee table. I dialed 911, gave a phony name, reported a shooting, and gave the address.
“Uh-oh,” Lula said. “Mr. Big got his eyes open.”
Brown blinked up at Lula. “What happened?”
“You fainted.”
“My foot hurts.”
“You must have stubbed your toe on the way down,” Lula said. “That’s why you should be wearing shoes.”
“Now I remember,” he said. “I didn’t stub my toe. You fuckin’ shot me.”
Lula stuffed her hands on her hips. “You said I was fat. I got a mind to shoot you again.”
Brown catapulted himself off the floor and lunged at Lula. “Arrrrgh!”
I grabbed Lula by the back of her shirt and yanked her to the door. “Go! Run!”
“Outta my way,” Lula said, rushing past me. “He got crazy eyes.”
Between the missing toe and the male enhancement issue, after the initial lunge Brown wasn’t able to move all that fast. Lula and I thundered down the stairs, chugged across the parking lot, threw ourselves into the car, and took off.
Lula was breathing heavy. “Do you think he’ll tell the police on me?”
“No. Brown doesn’t want to have anything to do with the police. By the time the police get to his apartment he’ll be long gone.” Good for Lula, I thought, checking the pimple out in the rearview mirror, but not so good for Vinnie.
“You keep lookin’ at your pimple and we’re gonna have an accident,” Lula said.
“Now that I know it’s there I can’t get it out of my mind.”
“At least you don’t have a vampire hickey on your neck. I got a date with a hunk of lovin’ tonight. He might be Mr. Wonderful.”
“Maybe you could put a scarf around your neck.”
“What happens when hunk of lovin’ undresses me?”
“Maybe you could decorate it to look like a tattoo gone bad.”
EIGHT
TO GET BACK to the bonds office from Merlin Brown’s apartment, I had to drive down Stark, past the junkyard, and cut through the combat zone. This was a mixture of graffiti-covered, rat-infested, three-story brick rooming houses, garbage-strewn empty lots, and sketchy businesses operating out of barred storefronts and back alleys. It was shocking to think anyone lived in this destroyed neighborhood, and even more shocking to know some of them were good, decent people. They were victims of time and circumstance, struggling not to succumb to the wreckage around them.
It was less shocking to know that most of the residents were drugged out deadbeats, crackhead hookers, dope dealers, gangbangers, and homicidal maniacs. If I had to go after an FTA on this part of Stark, I usually asked Ranger for help.
Ranger was a bounty hunter working for Vinnie when I first met him. He has his own security firm now, but he still does the occasional felon apprehension. He’s my mentor, my friend, and my onetime lover. He’s the guy I go to when I need professional help. I’m all in favor of women holding their own in the workplace, but I don’t have a death wish. Ranger is a far better bounty hunter than I could ever hope to be. And if I was being honest about it, sometimes I went to Ranger just because I liked working with him.
“You going back to the office?” Lula asked.
“Yeah. I thought I’d check in and then head home.”
“I got a plan,” Lula said. “I’m going to the mall, and I’m gonna get a feather boa to match this new sparkly outfit I was gonna wear tonight. A feather boa will dress it up better than a scarf. And then I can get undressed all except for the boa. I could work the boa into my whole routine of seduction, and my neck’ll be covered.”
“You have a routine of seduction?”
“Yeah, well you know I was a professional, and I still got moves.”
I didn’t want to think too hard about Lula and her moves. On the one hand it was way too much information. On the other hand I felt inadequate. My big move was to get out of my underpants without snagging my foot and falling on my face.
I followed the cross street to Hamilton and turned toward the bonds office. Minutes later I parked behind Mooner’s bus. Morelli’s car was angle-parked in front of the bus, and Morelli was standing in the middle of the field.
“That is one fine man,” Lula said, looking at Morelli. “I don’t know what your problem is. I wouldn’t have any trouble saying yes to him. I’d say yes to whatever he was askin’.”
I had to admit, he was definitely fine.
Lula cut her eyes to me. “So when was the last time you two got busy?”
“A while ago.”
“So why’s that?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Hunh,” Lula said.
When Lula said
“Okay,” I said, “it’s because I’m confused. I’m having commitment issues.”
“You mean you can’t choose between Morelli and Ranger. I’m telling you, girl, you know what you gotta do. You gotta have a bake off, a throw down, a love fest. Hell, just ask them if they want to go head-to-head in the sack and see what they say. You’d be doing them a favor on account of you’d be makin’ up your mind. And then just for the heck of it, maybe you can throw in that guy Dave that your mom likes.”
I cut my eyes to Lula. “You can’t be serious.”
“Damn skippy I’m serious.”
“Something to consider,” I said.
“While you’re considering you might want to do something about Krakatoa. Like if you put a little teeny skirt on that barely covers your doodah, no one’s ever gonna look at your face. And on top of that it gives a man incentive to be real nice to you.”
“Words of wisdom.”
“You bet your ass,” Lula said. “I’m going into the bus now before Mr. Titty’s ghost creeps up around me.”
I didn’t have a sense of Mr. Titty’s ghost, so I went over to say hello to Morelli.
