Jane Goes Batty

Chloe tapped some hot ashes onto the carpet, where they burned for a moment and fizzled out, leaving a black circle in the pink shag. “Tell me what?” she said.

“It’s too complicated to get into right—”

“Ned bit you, but Jane turned you,” Byron said. He ignored the furious look from Jane. “But she had to do it to save your life,” he added. “So don’t blame her. We’ll talk about it later.”

“She—” said Chloe.

“I—” said Jane.

“Later,” said Byron. “Jane, you come with me. Chloe, don’t eat anyone. We’ll be back for you later.”

“Fine,” said Chloe. She pouted and kicked at the spot on the carpet. “Whatever.”

“Then it’s settled,” Byron said. He looked at Jane. “Best go invisible so no one sees you running away,” he said.

Jane sighed, closed her eyes, and concentrated. To her great satisfaction, she disappeared almost immediately.

“You have to teach me how to do that!” Chloe called out as Jane and Byron left the trailer.

When they were several blocks away Byron materialized behind a hedge. Jane followed suit.

“You’re getting very good at that,” Byron remarked as he walked toward his car, which was parked at the curb.

“Aren’t I?” Jane agreed. “I’ll be turning into a bat in no time.”

“A what?” said Byron as he opened the door.

“A bat,” Jane repeated. “You promised to show me how, remember?”

“Of course,” said Byron, starting the car. “It slipped my mind.”

He pulled away from the curb and started driving. “Ned is at my house,” he explained. “With Ted, of course. They’re still dressed alike, and I’ll be damned if I can tell one from the other even now.”

“We should tag one of them,” said Jane. “Through the ear. Like they do with cows.”

“We could brand them, I suppose,” Byron said thoughtfully. “We used to do that with sheep, remember?”

“I do,” said Jane. After a moment she sighed. “It all seems so long ago,” she said.

“It was long ago,” Byron replied.

Jane looked out the window at the passing houses. “Do you ever get tired of it?” she asked.

“Of what?” said Byron.

“Living,” Jane said.

Byron stopped at the corner, looked for oncoming traffic, and turned left. “No,” he said. “I never tire of it.”

“I don’t believe you,” Jane said. “But let’s assume for the moment that you are not lying to make me feel better—which you are. Don’t you ever think about that last day?”

“You’re a confounding young woman,” Byron said. “What last day?”

“The last day,” said Jane. “Of existence. Of everything.”

“We’re immortal,” Byron said. “There doesn’t have to be a last day.”

“I don’t mean our last day,” Jane said. “I mean, I do, but I’m speaking about the last day of the world. It has to end sometime. At some point the sun will die and everything will go black and freeze, or whatever happens when suns die. I don’t know. But it’s sure to be grim and very final.”

“Oh, that,” said Byron as he turned onto his street. “I don’t worry about that.”

“How can you not?” Jane asked. “If we indeed live forever, we’re going to be here when it all comes to its dreary end.”

“By then we’ll have figured out how to live on the moon, or Saturn, or somewhere else,” Byron said.

He reached his house and drove up the driveway, coming to a stop and turning the car off. “Look,” he said. “I know you’re going through this existential crisis about Walter, and that’s to be expected, but—”

“This is not about Walter,” Jane exclaimed.

“Yes it is,” said Byron kindly. “You just haven’t figured that out yet. But you will. Right now, however, we need to go deal with our wayward child. Would you like to be the nice parent or the mean parent?”

Jane stared at him. She wanted to argue with him some more about what he’d said about Walter. To her annoyance, however, she realized that he was right. “I’ll be the mean parent,” she said. “He won’t be expecting that.”

“Frankly, neither was I,” said Byron as they got out of the car. “I must say it’s rather arousing.”

“Shut up,” Jane snapped.

Byron smiled seductively at her as he opened the front door and waved his hand. “After you, mistress,” he purred.

Ted and Ned were in the living room, seated next to each other on the J. and J. W. Meeks sofa Byron had recently purchased from an antiques store in New York. He’d had it reupholstered in garnet velvet, and it reminded Jane of a sofa that had been in the villa at Lake Geneva the summer she’d met Byron. She vaguely remembered him making love to her on that sofa, and for a moment she became flustered.

She calmed herself, stood in front of the boys, and looked down at them with what she hoped was an expression of disappointment and anger.

“Just where did you think you were going?” she asked. Unable as yet to determine which brother was which, she addressed the space between them.

The brother on the left lifted his head and looked at her. “I was afraid you would be angry,” he said. “I wasn’t thinking.”

Jane narrowed her eyes. “Fangs,” she barked. “Show me.”

The young man opened his mouth. A second later a pair of fangs clicked into place. Jane nodded. “Ned,” she said. She looked at the other brother. “You can go,” she said sharply.

Ted looked up. “But—”

“Go!” Jane repeated. “Back to the store. Lucy will be wondering where you are.”

Ted’s eyes darted to Byron, who stood in the doorway.

“Don’t look at him,” said Jane. “Just do as I say.”

Ted stood, gave his brother a worried look, and walked out of the room. Jane waited until she heard the front door open and close before she continued.

“Do you have any idea how much inconvenience you’ve caused?” she asked Ned. “Not to mention what you did to Chloe. You do realize she’s one of the biggest pop stars in the world, don’t you?”

“I didn’t know that at the time,” Ned told her. “I just thought she was pretty.”

Jane made a noise of disgust. “You thought she was pretty,” she said, the sneer in her voice only partially manufactured. “Perhaps in the future you should do your thinking with this,” she said, rapping Ned on the head with her closed fist, “and not with … little Ned,” she concluded, glancing meaningfully at the young man’s crotch.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Byron trying very hard not to laugh. This caused her to want to begin laughing, and she was forced to turn her back to Ned and bite her lip while she regained her composure. Clearing her throat, she said, “I have half a mind to stake you.”

“No!” Ned said, clearly startled.

Jane winked at Byron and turned back to face the now frightened young man. “And why not?” she asked. “You’ve broken one of the vampire commandments. The punishment for that is staking.”

Ned looked at Byron. “But he never told me about any command—”

“And that’s his failing,” Jane snapped. “But my concern is with you.” She clasped her hands and tapped the tips of her index fingers together. “I’m afraid we have no choice.”

Ned began to weep. It broke Jane’s heart to see him cry, and she had to try very hard not to sit beside him and comfort him. It occurred to her that perhaps she had not fully considered the difficulty of playing the bad guy.

“Wait a moment,” Byron said. He moved to the couch and took the place to Ned’s right, putting his arm around the young man’s shoulders. “He’s right,” he said, looking up at Jane. “It’s my fault for not instructing him properly.”