Tears pooled in the corners of my eyes. I swiped them away, feeling the familiar anguish of Connor’s death return. With a heavy heart, I stood and forced the grief back into the far recesses of my mind, telling myself that I’d had enough for one day.
Emma’s room was dark, save for the street light outside making the blinds glow like a night-light. It hurt even more to see her sleeping there, curled up, the covers tucked underneath her chin, which jutted out straight and proud, her lips squashed together and her cheek bunched against her pillow. I loved her so much. I didn’t want to hurt her or eventually tune her out like I’d done with Bryn.
I removed my jeans and undid my bra, pulling it out through the sleeve in my shirt, and then slid onto the full-size bed, curling next to her. Instinctively, she snuggled into me, grabbed my arm, and pulled it around her to hold on to it like one of her stuffed animals she slept with at home. My body relaxed. The smell of her hair lingered on the pillows and sheets and low in the air above the bed, and the scent of her skin was still reminiscent of the powdery baby smell of newborns.
My eyelids drifted closed. My breathing slowed. Just a little bit of sleep. Until morning.
CHAPTER 8
Bryn talking softly and nudging Emma from sleep woke me before it woke my daughter; she was like her father in that way. Both could sleep like the dead. I didn’t move at first, just opened my eyes to see my sister’s apologetic grimace. Apparently she’d been trying to let me sleep.
Em snuggled deeper into the mattress and closer into the curve of my body. Then she stilled, realizing I was there. “Mom?”
Her groggy voice pulled a soft smile from my lips, and I propped up on my elbow to kiss her cheek. “Morning, doodlebug.”
“Not … going … to school … today.” Deep groans of protest went through her as she flipped onto her stomach and buried her face into the pillow. “What are you doing here?”
I rolled onto my back and lifted my hands above my head to stretch. “Yes, you
Bryn met my gaze and I shrugged. It was the best I could come up with.
Emma’s head immediately lifted. I could barely see her profile through the massive poof of her tangled, wavy hair. “What about Spooky?”
“I’m sure she’s fine.” Damn. I’d totally forgotten about the cat. Great. If Spooky had gotten out, or worse, gotten hurt by the broken glass or the brick flying through the window, I’d have a devastated kid on my hands.
“C’mon, kiddo, you need to get dressed,” Bryn said. “Breakfast is almost ready. I’ll go and get Spooky after I drop you off at school.”
Saved by my sister. I sat up as Emma shuffled off to use the bathroom and spoke before I could analyze myself out of it. “Bryn …” She stopped at the door and turned. “What you said last night…. You were right.”
She frowned for a second as though she hadn’t expected that and then gave me a small smile that didn’t reach her eyes. I stared at the closed door, knowing she wasn’t about to give in until I confessed everything. She’d had enough. And I couldn’t blame her. Made me feel like shit, but I did understand.
In the adjoining bathroom, I brushed my teeth with the spare Bryn kept for me, and then turned on the shower as Emma wiped her face on a hand towel. When I straightened, she was standing by the shower staring thoughtfully at me, her face and lips still puffy from sleep. Her wild hair made her shoulders seem smaller and her bare legs look skinner than they already were. She resembled a little cavewoman standing there, arms hanging limp and tired at her sides. My kid was
Her eyes narrowed into a calculating expression so obvious that I had to bite the inside of my cheek to hide my smile. Her voice was still soft and sleepy when she spoke. “Daddy still loves you, you know?”
I released my teeth from my cheek, unsure of what to say, and sat on the toilet lid to give myself some time to form a response.
“And he misses us.”
If she hadn’t looked so calm and calculating, I would have pulled her into a hug. But this wasn’t a raw emotional moment. This was Matchmaking 101.
“Em,” I began, and then changed my tactic from what I was about to do, which was pretty much pat my daughter on the head and not address the real issue. No, I didn’t want to brush her off, nor did I want to play make-believe. She shoved her wild hair behind both ears. “Here, gimme your brush and I’ll fix it.” I waited for her to turn around and then dealt with the tangles. “Did he tell you to tell me all this?”
“No. But he’s sad and just misses us. I think you should give him a break, Mom.”
“Mmm,” I responded, not really knowing what to say. “All done.” I set the brush on the counter. The bathroom had begun to steam, so I flicked on the ex haust fan. “Go get your breakfast. We’ll talk about Dad later. Hey, maybe we’ll go to Varsity and get some hot dogs for dinner, okay?” She gave an impatient nod, my attempt at distracting her obviously failing miserably.
“You’ll think about it then?”
“Yeah, I’ll think about it.”
She turned and hugged me with surprising strength, nearly choking me. “Love you.”
“Love you, too, kid.”
I remained on the toilet lid for a few more seconds, staring at the closed door and wondering how in the hell was I
It was a mistake to jump back into things with Will right now, but would she understand that? She was bright, thoughtful, and so open with her feelings. The last thing I wanted was to destroy her optimism and make her a jaded little version of me.
Sighing and wishing I had a magical parenting manual with all the right answers, I stripped down and moved my stiff body into the shower, turning the knob to cool.
The weakness that came with sleep clung valiantly to me even under the cool spray of the shower, but soon my mind woke up and my movements became quicker as I lathered my skin with soap.
My body still felt the same, still looked the same, but inside I was different, changing, able to do things that no human should be able to do. Bryn’s words from the night before haunted me. I’d done some remarkable and horrible things, but I wasn’t facing them. I was forging ahead with the investigation and telling myself I’d deal with it later. Only, I knew myself well enough to know later would never come. Not if I could help it.
How had I become so good at avoidance?
It was the same with my past, avoiding thoughts of Connor and the guilt that plagued me. And it was the same with Will.
The pipes whined as I turned off the shower and then stepped from the tub. Any thoughts of Connor and Will were pushed aside. I had too much to deal with today, and I couldn’t get distracted. That could, quite possibly, get me killed.
After the shower, I crossed the apartment in a towel and my bare feet, speaking quickly to Bryn as she and Emma ate at the counter. “Just need to borrow some clothes.”
I heard Bryn say to Emma as I entered my sister’s bedroom, “Don’t have to worry about your mom borrowing anything nice. She always picks the most
Emma giggled.
“I heard that!” I called over my shoulder as I scanned her closet. Sorry, Bryn, but today happened to be the day I actually needed something nice. And her tapered black knee-high skirt and matching black sweater tank with cardigan would do nicely. I even snagged a pair of reasonable pumps.
When I exited the room, Bryn choked on her orange juice. “Did someone die and I don’t know about it?”
Emma came out of the spare bedroom with her backpack. She stopped mid-stride and eyeballed me from toe to head. Then she turned to my sister. “That’s a little better than boring, right, Aunt Bryn?”
Bryn handed Emma her lunch bag. “Well, since they
“Thanks a lot,” I told them both and then focused on my sister. “Do you have a glamour spell lying around? I
