Baby proof

'You have a good point. Wear a hat, and no one will notice.'

He then informs me that he's going to swing by and pick me up in a cab. Problem solved on the transportation front. I think of how I always handled logistics with Ben. I was the designated airline ticket holder, for example. He would inevitably lose them. Or at least he would panic and think that he had lost them. I can see him now, wide-eyed, furiously patting his pockets and scrambling in his bag, convinced that they were gone. We had once joked that it was a good thing that we didn't have kids. Because Ben would surely leave the baby on the subway.

Richard interrupts my thoughts with an offer of Starbucks for the ride. 'I'm picking one up for myself,' he says. 'This is the earliest social engagement I've ever had.'

I envision a disastrous spilling scenario-it would be just my luck-and tell him no, thanks. Fifteen minutes and a final pep talk from Jess later, I am out the door. Richard has already arrived in a cab with his iced coffee.

He leans across the seat and opens my door. I slide in and say, 'Hey! Where are your crotchless chaps?'

'Changed my mind,' he says, kissing my cheek. 'Hmmm. You smell nice… Let me guess-the ex-hubby's favorite perfume?'

I smile and tell him the truth. 'His second favorite.'

'Ahh. Strategic. If you pick his favorite, you'll appear to be pandering. Still thinking about him. If you pick his least favorite, you'll look spiteful… which would also indicate that you are still thinking about him.'

I laugh, because his analysis is spot-on. It's so nice to be with a man who has no instinct for jealousy. As a result, I feel I can tell Richard anything.

'Guilty as charged,' I say.

'So,' Richard says, smirking. 'Anything off the limits of discussion today?'

I tell him he should probably stay off the topic of divorce and babies. 'Which includes, of course, getting a divorce because of babies. Other than that, go for it.'

We head uptown to Annie and Ray's, hitting almost no traffic and arriving exactly on time. Richard pays for our cab, and we dart out of the backseat, umbrellaless, into the lobby where he tosses his empty coffee cup into a trash can. Annie and Ray buzz us up, and we climb the stairs, finding the door open a crack.

'Hello?' I say as I wipe my feet on their sisal mat. My heart is pounding at the thought of Ben being on the other side.

'Come in! Come in!' I hear Annie trill.

I push open the door and put my gift-an engraved silver cup-on a table in the front hall. I look in the living room, and see that we are among the first guests to arrive. I feel an odd mix of disappointment and relief when I see no sign of Ben. For the first time it occurs to me that perhaps he's not coming. Maybe he's avoiding me. Maybe he's out of town. Maybe he's vacationing with Tucker. Maybe I should have just asked Annie.

'Claudia, honey!' Annie squeals. She is holding Raymond Jr. at her hip, but hugs me with her free hand. I can't believe how much he's changed in just a few months. He has moved beyond the tiny, chicken-legged newborn stage and is now in the alert, chunky, Gerber-baby stage. Babies are such a tangible reminder of the quick passage of time, but I resist the urge to comment on how much he's grown. I don't want to highlight what a neglectful friend I've been.

'Hey, Annie!' I say, kissing my friend's cheek before I turn my attention back to her son. He is wearing a cream linen jumper with a Peter Pan collar that is probably more expensive than most of my outfits. Annie is like a European when it comes to clothing-she has very few items in her closet, but all of them are extremely high quality.

I raise my voice a few octaves and say, 'Hi, there, Raymond!'

I always feel self-conscious, almost foolish, when I talk to babies or very young children to whom I'm not related. Raymond scowls and looks away, burying his face in his mother's shoulder with an accompanying death grip to her elbow. It's as if he knows the truth about me-that I ended my marriage to avoid one of him. Don't they say babies and dogs can sense things about people?

Annie glances eagerly in Richard's direction just as I say, 'Annie, I'd like you to meet my friend Richard. Richard-this is Annie and Raymond.'

Richard says, 'It's so good to meet you, Annie.' Then he pats Raymond on his bottom, making that rustling Pampers sound. 'Hey, buddy! How you doin'?'

Raymond Jr. holds firm. He will not be tricked.

'Nice to meet you, Richard,' Annie says, her eyes flickering with curiosity. I offered her no details over the phone, nor did she ask me any questions. I could tell it took all of her willpower to not delve beyond, 'So? Things are good?' I told her that they were. Now I have my proof: a distinguished, older man.

Richard and Annie make small talk, which consists mostly of Annie asking Richard a series of questions. What do you do? Oh, so you work together? How long have you been there? Where are you from? He answers pleasantly, though minimally, and asks a few questions of his own as Ray joins us with a 'Well, well, what have we here?' look on his face.

I can tell right away that Ray does not approve of my guest. Which could mean a variety of things. It could mean that he is sad that his dear friends are no longer together. It could mean that he is feeling protective of Ben. Or it could mean that he thinks I'm sort of a jerk for introducing any hint of controversy into his son's special day. I am starting to feel as if the latter is most likely.

I wonder if Annie gave Ray any advance warning. Surely she did. Then again, I'm sure she's had other things on her mind, like the all-encompassing care of a new baby. Perhaps she is so consumed with her son that she and her husband rarely find time to talk anymore.

I watch Ray introduce himself to Richard with what appears to be an aggressive handshake. Then he turns to me and says, 'Good to see you, Claudia.' There is something aloof in his expression, and I find myself thinking that our friends could be taking sides. Ben's side.

'Nice to see you, too,' I say. 'Congratulations on Raymond's big day.'

Annie fills the ensuing lull with a beverage offer. Richard glances over at the makeshift bar set up on the other side of the room and tells Annie thanks, but he'll just help himself. 'Does anyone want anything?'

I spot a half-dozen bottles of champagne set up like trusty soldiers and nod. It is only eleven, but I am definitely ready for a drink. 'Whatever you're having is fine,' I tell Richard, knowing how couple-y my words are.

Ray's face suddenly lights up as he belts out an 'Uncle Ben's in the house!'

I inhale sharply but keep my eyes straight ahead, fixed on Raymond Jr. I know it's not possible for a six- month-old to know what's going on, but I swear that baby of Annie's turns, sneers at me, and then smiles at Ben who I can feel standing directly beside me. Close enough for him to smell my perfume-because I am breathing in his natural scent-one that I didn't quite realize Ben had. Sort of like coming home after a long vacation and realizing that your apartment really does have a unique smell.

Ben leans in to kiss the top of Raymond's head. He makes no comments about how much the baby has grown. Clearly he's come around a time or two.

Then he turns to me and says, 'Hi, Claudia.'

I exhale and allow myself to make one second of eye contact. He looks exactly the same. He looks like Ben. My Ben.

'Hi,' I say. My voice sounds funny, and I feel a sudden shot of weakness. Physical weakness where my knees feel as if they might give. I try to smile, but can't. I'm not sure what to do with my hands. I wish I already had my drink. Annie and Ray exchange a glance and then slip away to greet other guests.

'How are you?' I manage to say as my eyes fall on Ben's bare left ring finger.

'I'm fine. You?' he says.

I tell Ben I'm fine, too, as I watch Richard out of the corner of my eye. He turns, observes me with Ben, and then turns back toward the window, a flute of champagne in each hand. He sips from one. He must know that I'm talking to my ex-husband.

'It's good to see you,' Ben says sincerely.

'You, too,' I say. It is.

'I'm glad you came,' he says. 'I wasn't sure if you would.'