Baby proof

ready.

We go upstairs, and I sit between Richard and Michael. Jess sits across from me and takes charge of the wine list and conversation, two things she's very good at. After she's run her selection by everyone, and we all approve, she says, 'So, Richard, I like you.' Then she looks around the table and says, 'What does everyone think of Claudia's new boyfriend?'

Michael says, 'He's a helluva boss. Very fair.'

Everyone laughs.

Daphne and Maura flash Richard identical smiles that say, We don't yet know whether we like you for our sister, but we certainly think you're appealing. Maura, especially, seems on board with my new boyfriend. She likes her men slick, smart, and sexy-and Richard is all three. It occurs to me that Scott is all three, too, and that maybe slick, smart, and sexy don't hold up as well in the matrimonial setting. But that's a moot point. After all, I am only having fun. And the dinner is just that. Fun and festive. Everyone is in good spirits, and the conversation rolls along smoothly, lots of funny stories, good laughs, fine wine and food.

We discuss Annie's upcoming project filming women in Afghanistan, and how hard it will be for her to be away from Raymond Jr. We chat about Maura's kids, what they are up to. And Daphne tells anecdotes about her kids at school. She has a particularly amusing tale about a note she intercepted during math class. Of course she read it. Everyone knows that teachers always read notes, even when they claim not to- but this just confirms that hunch.

'The funny thing,' Daphne says, 'is that this girl, Annabel, is the biggest teacher's pet, Goody Two-shoes you can imagine and yet there she is in the note, talking dirty to this bad boy named Josh.'

Michael asks, 'Fifth-grade dirty or straight-up, universal dirty?'

Richard laughs and says, 'You're dirty for wanting to know.'

Michael says, 'C'mon. I wanna relive my youth here.'

Daphne says, 'Well, first she talks about wanting him to give her a 'titty twister'… and then she informs him that her AOL screen name is Bigghettobooty.'

We all crack up.

'Does she have a big booty?' Annie asks.

'No!' Daphne says. 'That's the most ludicrous part. She's a little wisp of a girl. A blue-eyed, wholesome- looking thing.'

'But apparently, still bootylicious,' Michael says.

We all laugh again, and I find myself thinking how lucky I am to have such good friends and family to help fill the void that Ben left behind.

But then, sometime between dinner and dessert, we're back to babies-again-when Jess announces that she is contemplating a visit to a Scandinavian sperm bank in midtown.

'A Scandinavian sperm bank?' Daphne says.

'Yeah. All the sperm come from Danish donors… Their slogan is, 'Congratulations, it's a Viking!'' Jess says, laughing. 'They have this one ad that features a baby who is boasting about his ancestors beating Columbus to North America. The caption reads, 'You'd better build a strong crib.' Isn't that hilarious?'

Richard, Maura, and Michael look amused; Tony and Daphne appear intrigued but skeptical; and Annie looks downright disapproving. Incidentally, Scott has missed the whole conversation as he has stepped away from the table to take another call. I'm not sure how I feel about the topic other than slight annoyance at Jess for bringing it up at all.

Richard and Michael start amusing themselves with some one-liners about the Danes-stuff about herring and Hagar the Horrible and Hamlet.

I can tell Annie's strident, women's studies side is about to emerge when she says, 'Jess, are you seriously considering this?'

Jess nods. 'Sure. Why not? I mean, these Danish donors are gorgeous. They all have the classic Scandinavian look. Tall, athletic, small nose, blue eyes, fair skin…'

'So, what, you're after some kind of designer baby?' Annie says.

'A designer baby!' Jess says, intentionally ignoring Annie's derisive tone. 'That's so cute. Yeah. I guess that's what I'm after.'

Annie continues, 'Doesn't this strike you as unethical?'

'Unethical? How do you figure?' Jess says. I can tell Annie is getting on her nerves, as she often did in college.

Annie says, 'Because of the stereotype that blue eyes, light skin, and height are somehow more valued. I mean, it commercializes people.'

'Yeah! That's bullshit,' Michael says, laughing. 'Why aren't you checking out black sperm banks?'

Annie ignores Michael's joke and says to Jess, 'I mean, you're essentially supporting genetic engineering. Eugenics.'

'What's eugenics?' Daphne says.

Annie says, 'It's a social philosophy that advocates selective breeding. Basically improving human traits through social intervention.'

'And what's the problem with that?' Jess says.

'Yeah,' Richard says. 'If it can create more intelligent people, I'm all for it. Dumb folks cause a lot of problems in the world…'

'I totally agree,' Michael says. 'Idiots are always fucking things up for the rest of us.'

Annie refuses to be sidetracked by jokes. 'Eugenics can lead to state-sponsored discrimination… Even genocide.'

'Oh, don't be so melodramatic,' Jess says. 'Because I think a little Danish baby would be cute, you're comparing me to the Nazis?'

'How much does it cost?' Daphne interjects. Tony looks at her, puzzled, as if to say, Ain't nothing wrong with my seed, woman!

'I'm not sure… It's probably pretty expensive.' Jess shrugs. Money is not her issue. Then she turns back to Annie and says, 'Besides, what's the difference between you picking Ray to be the father of your child and me picking Henrik the Dane to be the father of mine? It's a personal choice. It mirrors natural selection.'

'Well, first of all, I didn't pick Ray to be the father of my child,' Annie says. 'I picked Ray to be my husband. We decided on children much later.'

Now I'm annoyed at Annie, too. Her response hits a little too close to home. I cross my arms and feel myself become tense.

'Well, some people are just blessed to find a husband they love and have babies the old-fashioned way,' Jess says.

'Yeah!' Daphne says. 'I don't see the problem in using science to have a baby.'

'I agree,' Maura says, and then shoots me a worried look as if to say, We must protect our sister here.

Annie says, 'Well, I just think this Viking sperm stuff is creepy.'

I find myself wondering if Annie would also think interfamilial egg donation was creepy. I bet she would. Then again, I might have to agree. It is sort of creepy.

'Look. I'll solve this problem once and for all,' Michael says just as things are really starting to break down.

Jess looks at him and says, 'How?'

Michael raises his eyebrow suggestively. 'C'mon. Wouldn't you rather have a caramel baby with hazel eyes?' Then he looks at Annie and says, 'And I know you'd approve of those melting-pot implications?'

Everyone laughs, including Annie, as I think, Good ol' Michael. You gotta love a friend who can manufacture a quality come-on during an ethical debate on eugenics.

Maura says to Jess, 'I think you should take him up on that one.'

Michael points at Maura and mouths, Thanks.