Baby proof

Instead I muster up a weak, 'I want you to be happy.'

He can take it or leave it. It's the best I can do.

A long silence follows, one in which Ben fiddles with a packet of Equal, and I refold my jacket on the seat next to me. We look up at each other at the same second, and I'm shocked to see grief on Ben's face.

'I want you to be happy, too, Claudia. I do… But I just can't let you do this.'

I try to process his words, but they make no sense. 'Do what?' I say.

'Marry Richard,' he says, pointing to the ring on my left hand.

'What?' I say, totally confused now.

His voice is low and his words come rapidly. 'I know you came here to tell me you're engaged to Richard. And I know you think you found in him something we didn't have. A promise of the kind of life you want… the kind of life you deserve… I also know that I'm too late. Way too late. That vows have been broken and bridges have been burned. But I just want to tell you, Claudia… I must tell you that I love you with my whole heart and I'd do anything to get you back. I don't need a baby. I don't even want one if it's not with you… I don't want anyone or anything but you.'

I am stunned and speechless. I simply cannot believe what I'm hearing. It is my speech-the words I thought about saying to Ben, so many times, at least until I saw Tucker's ring. It is too much to process at once so I start out with a simple question. I look at him and say, 'What about Tucker?'

'What about her?' Ben says, looking as dumbfounded as I feel.

'Aren't you marrying her?' I say.

He laughs and says no.

'But I saw her ring,' I say.

'Claudia. She's engaged to some guy named Steve,' he says.

'A doctor at her hospital… Why in the world did you think the ring was from me?'

'But you… ran the marathon together,' I say, feeling foolish with my flimsy Internet evidence.

'Well. That's what you do with running partners,' Ben says. 'You run marathons together.'

I feel a surge of relief so great that it is more like joy. It is as if I've been living with a terminal illness and have just discovered that the diagnosis was all wrong. That I'm going to live a long life after all. Something escapes my throat, but I'm not sure whether I'm laughing or crying. I think it is both.

I say, 'Well. I'm not marrying Richard, Ben. I'm not even dating Richard anymore.'

'You're not?' he says. 'But Annie told me he gave you a ring.'

'He did,' I say, twisting it off my finger and dropping it into my purse. Then I swipe at my tears and say, 'But it wasn't an engagement ring… It was… nothing.'

Ben breaks into a smile as he says, 'So wait… you're single?'

'Yeah,' I say. 'Are you?'

He nods, still smiling. Then his expression becomes grave as he reaches out for my hands. I give them to him. A feeling of warmth and well-being fills me up and renders me speechless. I desperately want to tell him that I have come to the same conclusion about us. That I would do anything to get him back, even if that means having a baby. That I nearly might even want a baby with him. That all I want to do is share my life with him, in whatever form that takes.

And I will tell him all of that. Soon. But right now I just squeeze his hands and look into the eyes of the only man I've ever truly loved.

We are quiet for a long time until I finally say, 'I can't believe you're single.'

Instead I muster up a weak, 'I want you to be happy.'

He can take it or leave it. It's the best I can do.

A long silence follows, one in which Ben fiddles with a packet of Equal, and I refold my jacket on the seat next to me. We look up at each other at the same second, and I'm shocked to see grief on Ben's face.

'I want you to be happy, too, Claudia. I do… But I just can't let you do this.'

I try to process his words, but they make no sense. 'Do what?' I say.

'Marry Richard,' he says, pointing to the ring on my left hand.

'What?' I say, totally confused now.

His voice is low and his words come rapidly. 'I know you came here to tell me you're engaged to Richard. And I know you think you found in him something we didn't have. A promise of the kind of life you want… the kind of life you deserve… I also know that I'm too late. Way too late. That vows have been broken and bridges have been burned. But I just want to tell you, Claudia… I must tell you that I love you with my whole heart and I'd do anything to get you back. I don't need a baby. I don't even want one if it's not with you… I don't want anyone or anything but you.'

I am stunned and speechless. I simply cannot believe what I'm hearing. It is my speech-the words I thought about saying to Ben, so many times, at least until I saw Tucker's ring. It is too much to process at once so I start out with a simple question. I look at him and say, 'What about Tucker?'

'What about her?' Ben says, looking as dumbfounded as I feel.

'Aren't you marrying her?' I say.

He laughs and says no.

'But I saw her ring,' I say.

'Claudia. She's engaged to some guy named Steve,' he says.

'A doctor at her hospital… Why in the world did you think the ring was from me?'

'But you… ran the marathon together,' I say, feeling foolish with my flimsy Internet evidence.

'Well. That's what you do with running partners,' Ben says. 'You run marathons together.'

I feel a surge of relief so great that it is more like joy. It is as if I've been living with a terminal illness and have just discovered that the diagnosis was all wrong. That I'm going to live a long life after all. Something escapes my throat, but I'm not sure whether I'm laughing or crying. I think it is both.

I say, 'Well. I'm not marrying Richard, Ben. I'm not even dating Richard anymore.'

'You're not?' he says. 'But Annie told me he gave you a ring.'

'He did,' I say, twisting it off my finger and dropping it into my purse. Then I swipe at my tears and say, 'But it wasn't an engagement ring… It was… nothing.'

Ben breaks into a smile as he says, 'So wait… you're single?'

'Yeah,' I say. 'Are you?'

He nods, still smiling. Then his expression becomes grave as he reaches out for my hands. I give them to him. A feeling of warmth and well-being fills me up and renders me speechless. I desperately want to tell him that I have come to the same conclusion about us. That I would do anything to get him back, even if that means having a baby. That I nearly might even want a baby with him. That all I want to do is share my life with him, in whatever form that takes.

And I will tell him all of that. Soon. But right now I just squeeze his hands and look into the eyes of the only man I've ever truly loved.

We are quiet for a long time until I finally say, 'I can't believe you're single.'

'Yeah,' Ben says. 'But I'm thinking of asking someone out.' 'Oh, really?' I say, smiling. 'Who might that be?' 'My ex-wife,' Ben says. 'Do you think she'll say yes?' 'I think she might,' I say. 'I think she might do anything for you.'

thirty-two

It is Christmas Eve and nearly dark, possibly my favorite hour of the year.

Ben and I are in the car, crossing the Triborough Bridge on our way to Daphne and Tony's house. We are about to meet their son, Lucas, who arrived three days ago, right on schedule, the most divine Christmas present