Love the one youre with

talk for years, I never had this feeling about him. I might not have known details of his day-to-day life, but I never felt like I stopped knowing him.

'That's sad,' I muse, although suddenly I'm not sure which scenario is sadder. Then, for the first time ever, I find myself wondering what it would be like if Andy and I ever went our separate ways-which breakup camp we'd fall into. I push the thought aside, telling myself it could never happen. Or could it?

'What's so sad about it?' Andy asks nonchalantly.

'Oh, I don't know…' I say, my voice trailing off.

Andy rolls over to face me as my eyes make another incremental adjustment to the dark.

'What's on your mind, Ell?' he says. 'Are you upset about Lucy?'

'No,' I say quickly. 'Not at all. I really enjoyed meeting her.'

'All right,' he says. 'Good.'

I close my eyes, knowing I've come to my moment of truth. I clear my throat, lick my lips, and stall for a few final seconds.

'Andy,' I finally say, my voice starting to shake. 'I have to tell you something.'

'What?' he says softly.

I take a deep breath and exhale. 'It's about the shoot tomorrow.'

'What about it?' he asks, reaching out to touch my arm.

'The shoot… is with Leo,' I say, feeling both relieved and nauseous.

'Leo?' he says. 'Your ex-boyfriend?'

I make myself say yes.

'What do you mean it's with Leo?' Andy says.

'He's writing the piece,' I say, delicately choosing my words. 'And I'm taking the photos.'

'Okay,' he says, switching on his bedside lamp and gazing directly into my eyes. He looks so calm and trusting that for the first time, I actually consider canceling my trip. 'But how?… How did this come about?'

'I ran into him in New York,' I say, knowing that I'm confessing way too little, way too late. 'And he offered me an assignment…'

'When?' Andy asks. He is clearly trying hard to give me the benefit of the doubt, but I can tell he's slipping into his deposing-attorney mode. 'When did you run into him?'

'A few months ago… It was no big deal…'

'Then why didn't you tell me?' he asks, a logical question and the clear crux of the matter. After all, it clearly was a big deal-and how all of this started back on that wintry day in the intersection when I returned home and decided to keep that very first secret from my husband. For a second, I wonder if I would go back and do things differently.

I hesitate and then say, 'I didn't want to upset you.'

This is the truth-the cowardly truth, but the truth nonetheless.

'Well, not telling me makes it a big deal,' Andy says, his eyes wide and wounded.

'I know,' I say. 'I'm sorry… But I… I really want the work… this kind of work,' I say, struggling to put the best possible spin on things. In my heart, I truly believe that part of the reason I am going is for the work. That I need more in my life than simply sitting around a big, beautiful house and waiting for my husband to come home. That I want to be doing my own thing again. Feeling a small boost, and a measure of hope that he might actually understand, I add, 'I really miss it. I really miss New York.'

Andy pulls on his ear, his face clearing for a second as he says, 'We can go back and visit… Go to dinner and a show…'

'I don't miss it like that… I miss working in the city. Being a part of it… the energy.'

'So go work there,' he says.

'That's what I'm doing.'

'But why does it have to be with Leo? You suddenly can't work without Leo? You shoot Drake Watters for the cover of Platform, but now you need your ex-boyfriend to help you get work?' Andy asks, sounding so succinct in the trap he's just set for me that for a second, I think that he must have noticed Leo's byline after all. Or perhaps Margot already told him about that piece. Even Andy never gets this lucky on cross- examination.

'Well. Actually,' I say, glancing down at my day-old manicure before returning his probing gaze. 'He got me that assignment, too.'

'Wait. What?' Andy says, the first real traces of anger on his face as he begins to put it all together. 'What do you mean? How did he get you that shoot?'

I brace myself for the worst as I say, 'He wrote the article… He called my agent about that assignment.'

'Was he in L.A.?' Andy asks, his voice growing progressively louder, more distressed. 'Did you see him?'

I nod, struggling to mitigate my admission. 'But I swear I never knew he was going to be there… We didn't hang out… or go to dinner… or anything… I was with Suzanne the whole time. It was all… strictly business.'

'And now?' he says, asking an open-ended question that fills me with trepidation.

'And now… we have another shoot,' I say.

'So what? Y'all are going to be some kind of team?' he asks as he bolts out of bed, crosses his arms, and glares at me.

'No,' I say, shaking my head. 'It's not like that.'

'So explain. What is it like?' he asks, his chest puffing with a surge of testosterone.

'We're friends,' I say. 'Who work together… occasionally. Twice. Not even occasionally.'

'Well, I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.'

'Why not?' I say, as if there is any doubt why not.

'Because… Because I've never heard one good thing about the guy… and now you want to rekindle a friendship with him?'

'Margot's not fair to him,' I say. 'She never has been.'

'You told me awful things about him, too.'

'I was hurt.'

'Yeah,' Andy says, rolling his eyes. 'By him.'

'He's a good person,' I say.

'He's a jerk.'

'He's not a jerk… And I care about him… He's…'

'What?'

'He's… important to me.'

'Well, that's just great, Ellen. That's great,' Andy says, his voice drenched in sarcasm. 'Your ex-boyfriend is important to you. Just what every husband wants to hear.'

'Lucy came to your sister's shower,' I say, circling back to my starting point. 'And Ty does your sister's yard.'

'Yeah,' he says, pacing at the foot of the bed. 'But she got that invite, and he does the yard, precisely because they're not important. They're just people from our past that we used to date. That's it… It doesn't seem that you can say the same about Leo.'

I can tell that he's asking a question, that he's desperate for me to jump in and change my answer-disclaim any feelings for Leo.

But I can't. I just can't lie to Andy on top of everything else.

So instead I say, 'Don't you trust me?' Asking the question makes me feel instantly better-makes me, somehow, trust myself.

'I always have,' Andy says, clearly implying that that's no longer the case.

'I'd never cheat on you,' I say, instantly regretting my verbal promise, knowing it should be an unspoken given. Something you don't have to say.