Something Blue

'I don't have much else to say.'

'When did they first hook up?' I asked, petrified of the answer, but needing to know just how big a fool I had been.

He paused and then said that he didn't know.

'I can tell you're lying,' I said. 'I know you know!'

'What I do know is this,' Ethan said, dodging the question. 'Rachel didn't want to feel the way she did. She was in agony over the whole thing. She had every intention of going back to New York after her visit here and being your maid of honor. She was prepared to move on, force herself to get over Dex, and be your friend. Which is more than most people would do in her shoes.'

My heart pounded in my ears. I was fixated on one thing. One fact. 'Give me a date, Ethan. When did they first hook up?'

He crossed his arms and exhaled loudly.

'Was it before or after Rachel's birthday?' I asked. I honestly don't know what made me pick that date. Perhaps because Rachel's birthday is in late May, always coinciding with the start of summer. I could have just as easily said Memorial Day. But I didn't. I said, 'Rachel's birthday,' and by the look on Ethan's face, I knew I had hit the jackpot. My mind raced back to the night, how I had thrown a surprise party for her. Suddenly, I remembered with horror how Dex hadn't come home until nearly seven in the morning. How he had said he was with Marcus. And how Marcus had backed him up. They had all lied to me! My fiance had spent the night with my best friend! Months before I had ever cheated on him!

Suddenly everything came into sharp focus: Dexter's later-than-usual nights working, how Rachel had dragged her feet during my wedding plans, and the July Fourth weekend! My God, Rachel and Dex had both stayed home from the Hamptons! They had been together that entire weekend! It was too horrible to be true, but I was certain that it was true.

I laid it all out for Ethan who didn't deny a thing. He just looked at me, without a trace of compassion or remorse.

'How could you, Ethan? How could you?' I sobbed.

'How could I what?'

'How could you be friends with her? How could you take me out with those people who knew the whole story? You made me look like a fool! All of you were probably laughing behind my back!'

'Nobody was laughing behind your back.'

'Yeah, right. That mad cow laughed up a storm.'

'Phoebe was a bit rude. I'll admit that.'

'And admit the rest! Admit that Rachel told all of you what she was doing to me.'

He hesitated and then said, 'Her relationship with Dex did come up. But obviously I didn't think you'd ever meet Martin and Phoebe. And besides, we weren't discussing the situation in a 'ha ha what a fool Darcy is' kind of way. It was more of a 'gosh, how bad it sucks to have feelings for your best friend's fiance' sort of way.'

'Right. She really suffered.'

'Well, didn't you suffer when you started seeing Marcus? While you were still with Dex?'

'It's not the same thing, Ethan.'

How was it that everyone had such difficulty grasping the obvious difference between cheating on one's fiance and screwing over your very best girlfriend?

'This isn't about me and Dex. It's about me and Rachel. And I would never have done that to her,' I continued, feeling shocked that my mousy friend had it in her.

He looked at me, folded his arms, and cocked his head with a knowing smile. 'Really?'

'Never,' I said, taking mental inventory of Rachel's utterly unappealing ex-boyfriends. Her law school boyfriend and most significant ex, Nate, had a unibrow, sloping shoulders, and an effeminate voice.

'If you say so,' Ethan said skeptically.

'What is that supposed to mean? I have never, ever tried to steal one of Rachel's boyfriends.'

He smiled an oblique, private smile. I knew what he was driving at: I had hooked up with Marcus even though Rachel was interested in him.

'Oh, give me a freaking break, Ethan. Marcus was not Rachel's boyfriend! They had kissed, like, one time. It was never going to go anywhere.'

'I wasn't thinking of Marcus.'

'So then what were you thinking of?'

'Well… I just think that you would do the same thing to Rachel if the circumstances presented themselves. If you had fallen in love with one of her boyfriends, nothing would have stopped you from going after him. Not Rachel's feelings, not the stigma of taking your best friend's man. Nothing.'

'No,' I said firmly. 'That's not true.'

Ethan continued. He was on a roll now, leaning forward on the couch, thrusting his index finger at me as he talked. 'I think you have a long, long history of going after exactly what you want, Darcy. Whatever that is. Come hell or high water. Until now, Rachel has always played second fiddle to you. And you shamelessly let her do the whole lady-in-waiting routine. All through high school she was at your beck and call, letting you show off. You liked it that way. And now that it is all over, you can't handle it.'

'That's just… not true!' I sputtered, feeling my face burn. 'You're being so unfair!'

Ethan ignored me and kept going, now pacing in front of his faux fireplace. 'You were the star of the show in high school. The star of the show in college. The star of the show in Manhattan. And Rachel let you shine. Now you can't step back and be happy for her.'

'Be happy for her for stealing my fiance? You've got to be kidding me!'

'Darce-you did the same thing. It might be a different story if you were deeply in love with Dex, if you hadn't cheated on him also.'

'But they did it first!'

'That is beside the point,' he said.

'How can you say that?'

'Because. Because, Darcy, you never examine your own behavior. You just look to blame everyone else.'

He then proceeded to bring up this ancient history from high school. Like why I had applied to Notre Dame when I knew that it was Rachel's dream to go there, and how crushed she was when I got in and she didn't.

'I didn't know she owned Notre Dame!'

'It was her dream. Not yours.'

'So let me get this straight, she can go after my fiance, but I don't have the right to apply to a stupid college?'

He ignored my question and said, 'While we're on this topic, Darcy, why don't you tell me one thing… Did you really get in there?'

'Did I get in where?' I asked.

'Were you or were you not accepted at Notre Dame University?'

'Yes. I was,' I said, almost believing the lie I had told all of my friends so many years ago. Notre Dame had been Rachel's first choice, but I had applied, too, thinking how great it would be if we could be roommates. I remember getting that rejection letter, feeling like a failure. So I told a harmless fib to my friends, and then covered by saying that I was going to Indiana anyway.

He shook his head. 'I don't believe you,' he said. 'You did not get into Notre Dame.'

I started to sweat. How did he know? Had he seen my letter? Had he hacked into the Notre Dame admissions office's computer system?

'Why is my choice of colleges relevant here?'

'I'll tell you why it's relevant, Darcy. I'll tell you exactly why. You have always competed with Rachel. From way back in the day until now. Everything has always been a contest with you. And part of what's eating you up