Manhattan, for sure. When I have kids, if I ever have kids, I intend to move to the suburbs. I look at Marcus, trying to imagine him dragging our son's Big Wheel out of the street. He looks down at our little boy, whose face is streaked with dried Popsicle, and instructs him to stay on the sidewalk. The boy has Marcus's short eyebrows pointing up toward each other like an upside-down V.
'C'mon,' Marcus says. 'Let's get another drink.' 'All right,' I say, keeping my eye on the blonde in my dress. As we walk toward the poolside bar, I think of Indiana again, picturing Annalise and Greg with their neighbors, all spilled out on the freshly cut Midwestern lawn. If somebody wore her same pair of khaki shorts from the Gap, nobody would care.
After the party, we find another party, and then do our usual finale at the Talkhouse, where I dance with Marcus again. Around three o'clock, we all pile into the car and go home. Hillary and Claire head straight for bed while the two couples remain in the den. Darcy and Dex hold hands on one love seat; Marcus and I sit next to each other, but not touching, on the adjacent couch.
'All right, kids. It's past my bedtime,' Darcy says, standing suddenly. She glances at Dexter. 'You coming?'
My eyes meet Dexter's. We look away simultaneously. 'Yeah,' he says. 'I'll be right there.'
The three of us talk for a few more minutes until we hear Darcy calling Dex from the top of the stairs. 'Come on, Dex! They want to be alone!'
Marcus smirks while I study a freckle on my arm.
Dex clears his throat, coughs. His face is all business. 'Okay then. Guess I'll head up. Good night.'
'All right, man. See you tomorrow,' Marcus says.
I just mumble good night, too uncomfortable to look up as Dex leaves the room.
'Finally,' Marcus says. 'Alone at last.'
I feel an unexpected pang for Dex that is somehow reminiscent of Hunter leaving Joey and me alone in the lounge at Duke, but I push it away and smile at Marcus.
He moves closer and kisses me without asking first this time. It is a nice enough kiss, maybe even nicer than our first one. For some reason,
I think of the Brady Bunch episode when Bobby saw skyrockets after kissing Millicent (who, unbeknownst to Bobby, had the mumps). When I first saw that episode I was about Bobby's age, so that kiss seemed like serious stuff. Someday I will see skyrockets like that, I remember thinking. To date, I have not seen skyrockets. But Marcus comes just as close as anyone before him.
Our kissing escalates to the next level and then I say, 'Well, I think we should go to bed.'
'Together?' he asks. I can tell he is joking.
'Very funny,' I answer. 'Good night, Marcus.'
I kiss him one more time before going to my room, passing Dex and Darcy's closed door on the way.
The next morning I check my voice mail. Les has left me three messages. He might as well be a Jehovah's Witness, for as much attention as he pays to the holidays. He says that he wants 'to go over a few things tomorrow, early afternoon.' I know he is vague on purpose, not leaving a specific time or instructions to meet him at the office or call in. This way he can be sure that my Memorial Day is slashed in half. Hillary tells me to ignore him, pretend that I didn't get the message. Marcus says to jam him with a message back, telling him to 'jack off- it's a national holiday.' But of course I dutifully check the train and jitney schedule and decide I will leave this afternoon to avoid the traffic. Deep down, I know work is only an excuse to go-I have had enough of this whole bizarre dynamic. I like Marcus, but it is exhausting being around a guy who, as Hillary would say, 'is potential.' And it is even more exhausting avoiding Dex. I avoid him when he is alone, avoid him when he is with Darcy. Avoid dwelling on him and the Incident.
'I really need to get back,' I sigh, as if it is the last thing I want to do.
'You can't leave!' Darcy says.
'I have to.'
As she sulks I want to point out that ninety percent of the time we are in the Hamptons, she is completely distracted, in social-butterfly mode. But I just say again that I have to.
'You're such a buzz kill.'
'She can't help having to work, Darcy,' Dex says. Maybe he says it because she often calls him a buzz kill too. Then again, maybe he just wants me to leave for the same reasons I want to go.
After lunch I pack up my things and go into the den, where everyone is lazing around, watching television.
'Can someone give me a lift to the jitney?' I ask, expecting Darcy, Hillary, or Marcus to volunteer.
But Dex reacts first. 'I'll take you,' he says. 'I want to go to the store anyway.'
I say good-bye to everyone, and Marcus squeezes my shoulder and says he'll give me a call next week.
Then Dex and I are off. Alone for four miles.
'Did you have a nice weekend?' he asks me as we are backing out of the driveway. Gone is any trace of the banter that surfaced right after the Incident. And he, like Darcy, has stopped inquiring about Marcus, perhaps because it is fairly evident that we have become some kind of item.
'Yeah, it was nice,' I say. 'Did you?'
'Sure,' he says. 'Very nice.'
After a brief silence, we talk about work and mutual friends from law school, stuff we talked about before the Incident. Things seem normal again, or as normal as they can be after a mistake like ours.
We arrive at the jitney stop early. Dex pulls into the parking lot, turns in his seat, and studies me with his green eyes in a way that makes me look away. He asks what I am doing on Tuesday night.
I think I know what he's asking, but am not sure, so I babble. 'Work. The usual. I have a deposition on Friday and haven't even started preparing for it. The only thing I have on my outline is 'Can you spell your last name for the court reporter?' and 'Are you on any medications that might impede your ability to answer questions at this deposition?'' I laugh nervously.
His face stays serious. He clearly has no interest in my deposition. 'Look, I want to see you, Rachel. I'm coming over at eight. On Tuesday.'
And the way he says it-as a statement rather than a question-makes my stomach hurt. It isn't really the stomach pain I have before a blind date. It isn't the nervousness before a final exam. It isn't the 'I'm going to get busted for doing something' feeling. And it isn't the dizzy sensation that accompanies a crush on a guy when he just acknowledged your presence with a smile or casual hello. It is something else. It is a familiar ache, but I can't quite place it.
My smile fades to match his serious face. I would like to say that his request surprised me, caught me off guard, but I think part of me expected this, even hoped for it, when Dex offered to drive me. I don't ask why he wants to see me or what he wants to talk about. I don't say that I have to work or that it's not a good idea. I just nod. 'Okay.'
I tell myself that the only reason I agree to see him is that we have to finish sorting out what happened between us. And therefore, I am not committing a further wrong against Darcy; I'm simply trying to fix the damage already done. And I tell myself that if I do, in fact, actually want to see Dex for other reasons, it's only because I miss my friend. I think back to my birthday, our time in 7B before we hooked up, remembering how much I enjoyed his solo company, how much I enjoyed Dex removed from Darcy's demands. I miss his friendship. I only want to talk to him. That is all.
The bus arrives and people start to file onto it. I slide out of the car without another word between us.
As I settle down in a window seat behind a perky blonde talking way too loudly on her cell phone, I suddenly know what it is in my stomach. It is the same way I felt after sex with Nate in those final days before he dumped me for the tree-hugging guitar player. It is a mixture of genuine emotion for another person and fear. Fear of losing something. I know at this moment that by allowing Dex to come over, I am risking something. Risking friendship, risking my heart.
The girl keeps talking, overusing the words 'incredible' and 'amazing' to describe her 'woefully abbreviated' weekend. She reports that she has a 'vicious migraine' from 'bingeing big time' at the 'fab party.' I want to tell her that if she takes her volume down a notch, her headache might subside. I close my eyes, hoping that her phone battery is low. But I know that even if she stops her high-pitched chatter, there is no way I am going to be able to sleep with this feeling growing inside me. It is good and bad at the same time, like drinking too much Starbucks
