made us both feel better.
I pulled up next to my car in the small lot behind my office building.
She reached out and took my hand. “I hope I see you again.”
“Me, too. And for what it’s worth, I think you’re wrong about not meeting any more handsome guys. I have the power to see into the future and from what I can see there’re a lot of them waiting to take you out.”
“I sure hope you’re right.”
I slid out of the car and started toward my door. Behind me she said, “Thanks for everything, Sam.”
By the time I reached the commune a hot rain was storming across the prairie with mean intent. Humans and animals alike rushed to shelter. Lightning walked the land on glowing spider legs and thunder shook the earth. I pulled as close to the houses as I could and then started my own rush to get out of the rain.
With everybody inside temporarily the voices were almost as loud as the music, this time the Beatles’ best album, Rubber Soul. I had to use a fist on the door to get any attention. A white kid in something like dreadlocks came to the door. I told him who I wanted to see and he gave me a thumbs-up. Maybe in a past life he’d been a WWI ace.
I took one of the two broken-back metal chairs on the porch and had myself a smoke. The laughter from inside was clean and young, and I felt envious of them. Crazy and pretentious as some of them were, at least they were questioning the conventional wisdom of growing up, entering the nine-to-five, and setting aside money for your funeral when you turn forty-five.
I watched the rain drill the flower-power bus and the other wrecked-looking vehicles. A sweet dog face could be seen underneath the bus, all wide-eyed and floppy-eared.
Then she was there. “God, this rain doesn’t even cool things off, does it?”
“I wonder how old Cartwright is doing up there waiting to hear from God.”
She took the chair next to me. “Sometimes I feel sorry for him, Sam.”
“I would if I didn’t know he was such a con artist. Hair tonic and diet crap and all that.”
In her denim work shirt and jeans she was tomboy comfortable and purposeful. That was my impression, anyway. Except for the eyes. She couldn’t hide her anxiety. I guessed she knew why I was here.
“Mainwaring and I followed Nicole this morning. She was under the impression she was going to have an abortion.”
The old confrontational Sarah scoffed at me. “You’re not exactly being subtle. As far as I’m concerned, I gave her good advice and I don’t give a damn if you like it or not. I’ve seen too many girls her age ruin their lives by getting pregnant.”
“So have I. But that’s not what this is about.”
She leaned away from me. “Oh? So what’s ‘this’ about?”
“I think you know.”
She was quick, starting for the door before I got out of my chair. I’d never get her out of the ruckus inside. But then she turned and came back. I had the feeling she was as surprised by her move as I was.
She sat down again. I started to speak but she held up a hand for me to stop.
“I can’t get over Tommy killing himself.”
“Why do you think he did it?”
“Because of me. Because he was in love with me.”
“And you weren’t in love with him?”
She dropped her head, was quiet. “I loved him enough not to marry him.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
She sat back and ground the chair around so she could face me. “He wanted to run away and get married. Not even finish high school. I told him he was crazy but Tommy-Tommy got obsessed easily. Plus he just wanted out of his house. He used to cry like a little kid when his parents had had one of their battles. I hated them for what they’d done to Tommy. But I still wouldn’t ruin his life by marrying him right now. I told him he should take one of the scholarships-he had three or four colleges offering him full rides because he was such a good football player. If we got married his life would be ruined. I loved him too much for that.”
“So Tommy killed himself because you wouldn’t marry him?”
“I don’t like your tone there. You trying to say I’m lying?”
“Not at all, Sarah. I believe you. But maybe there was another reason Tommy took his life. In addition to you not marrying him, I mean.”
“Well, then I sure don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
“I’m talking about him knowing that you killed Neil after you found out that he got Nicole pregnant. You knew Neil had killed Vanessa but you decided to keep his secret. But then when Nicole told you about her pregnancy-” I tried to take her hand. She slapped mine away. “Nicole told me how angry you were when she told you about sleeping with Neil. But I noticed you didn’t speak up for Neil quite the same way even before you found out about Nicole. It wasn’t anything obvious, but your tone definitely changed. I knew then that you were sure that Neil had killed Vanessa. I can’t read your mind but I think it was probably then you realized that your brother was out of control and that he was going to keep right on doing what he’d always done. I cut him a lot of slack for what he saw in Nam, Sarah, but I suspect if you’re honest you’ll tell me that he was always this way growing up, smashing things and smashing people. That’s the way it was, wasn’t it?”
“You don’t have any right to talk like that. I thought you were my friend.”
“I am your friend, Sarah. I care about you. I just think you’ll feel better if you tell the truth. There’s been too much lying already.”
She raised her head and stared at the ceiling of the porch. A whimper became a small sob. “He was my brother. He’d had a hard life. I loved him.”
“I know you loved him. But you saw that he needed to be stopped. And when you found out about Nicole, you decided you didn’t have any choice. You killed him and tried to make it look like suicide.”
She picked up my package of Luckies from the arm of my chair. I handed her my matches. When she got her cigarette burning she handed them back.
“You don’t know any of this for sure.”
“I do now. And you know it, too.”
“He attacked me.”
“I don’t believe that but it’ll make a good defense.”
“I don’t want you for my lawyer anymore.”
“That’s a good decision.”
“I thought you were my friend,” she said again.
“I am. That’s why I’ll get you the best criminal defense attorney I can.”
“I don’t have any money.”
“It can be worked out.” I had no idea how at the moment but there on that porch at that moment it was the right thing to say.
“I didn’t plan on doing it.”
“All right.”
“Don’t you believe me?”
“Yes. But you’ll have to work this through carefully with your lawyer.”
She exploded from her chair as if she’d been blasted out of it. She stalked to the east end of the porch and lowered herself onto the railing. She inhaled hungrily. The tip of the cigarette was an evil little red eye. “You don’t know what it was like with Neil. All our lives. He was always in trouble. He was in a fight or he’d stolen something or he’d smashed up something. I used to feel sorry for him because I loved him so much. He always said that people wouldn’t accept him for who he was and that’s why he was always in trouble. He was just paying them back. For a long time I believed that. But when he got into so much trouble in the service-”
“You mean what you told me about Saigon?”
“No. When they got back stateside he started stealing stuff from the other soldiers. Watches and jewelry they’d bought for their girlfriends and wives. One of them caught him at it and Neil nearly killed him. They had him see a shrink. The shrink said that he should get a dishonorable discharge but no time in the brig. He came to my little apartment off campus. He was so angry about things he scared me.”
“He’d always taken advantage of people before-I was able to see that then-and he got some kind of thrill out
