Looking for Alaska

whoever ratted on Marya. Has anyone heard anything?'

'It must have been some Weekday Warrior,' Alaska said. 'But apparently they think it was the Colonel. So who knows. Maybe the Eagle just got lucky. She was stupid; she got caught; she got expelled; it's over. That's what happens when you're stupid and you get caught.' Alaska made an O with her lips, moving her mouth like a goldfish eating, trying unsuccessfully to blow smoke rings.

'Wow,' Takumi said, 'if I ever get kicked out, remind me to even the score myself, since I sure can't count on you.'

'Don't be ridiculous,' she responded, not angry so much as dismissive. 'I don't understand why you're so obsessed with figuring out everything that happens here, like we have to unravel every mystery. God, it's over.

Takumi, you gotta stop stealing other people's problems and get some of your own.' Takumi started up again, but Alaska raised her hand as if to swat the conversation away.

I said nothing — I hadn't known Marya, and anyway, 'listening quietly' was my general social strategy.

'Anyway,' Alaska said to me. 'I thought the way he treated you was just awful. I wanted to cry. I just wanted to kiss you and make it better.'

'Shame you didn't,' I deadpanned, and they laughed.

'You're adorable,' she said, and I felt the intensity of her eyes on me and looked away nervously. 'Too bad I love my boyfriend.' I stared at the knotted roots of the trees on the creek bank, trying hard not to look like I'd just been called adorable.

Takumi couldn't believe it either, and he walked over to me, tussling my hair with his hand, and started rapping to Alaska. 'Yeah, Pudge is adorable / but you want incorrigible / so Jake is more endurable / 'cause he's sodamn. Damn. I almost had four rhymes on adorable. But all I could think of was unfloorable, which isn't even a word.'

Alaska laughed. 'That made me not be mad at you anymore. God, rapping is sexy. Pudge, did you even know that you're in the presence of the sickest emcee in Alabama?'

'Urn, no.'

'Drop a beat, Colonel Catastrophe,' Takumi said, and I laughed at the idea that a guy as short and dorky as the Colonel could have a rap name. The Colonel cupped his hands around his mouth and started making some absurd noises that I suppose were intended to be beats. Puh-chi. Puh-puhpuh-chi. Takumi laughed.

'Right here, by the river, you want me to kick it? / If your smoke was a Popsicle, I'd surely lick it / My rhymin' is old school, sort of like the ancient Romans / The Colonel's beats is sad like Arthur Miller's Willy Loman / Sometimes I'm accused of being a showman / ICanRhymeFast and I can rhyme slow, man.'

He paused, took a breath, and then finished.

'Like Emily Dickinson, I ain't afraid of slant rhyme / And that's the end of this verse; emcee's out on a high.'

I didn't know slant rhyme from regular rhyme, but I was suitably impressed. We gave Takumi a soft round of applause. Alaska finished her cigarette and flicked it into the river.

'Why do you smoke so damn fast?' I asked.

She looked at me and smiled widely, and such a wide smile on her narrow face might have looked goofy were it not for the unimpeachably elegant green in her eyes. She smiled with all the delight of a kid on Christmas morning and said, 'Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.'

one hundred nine days before

Dinner in the cafeteria the next night was meat loaf, one of the rare dishes that didn't arrive deep-fried, and, perhaps as a result, meat loaf was Maureen's greatest failure — a stringy, gravy-soaked concoction that did not much resemble a loaf and did not much taste like meat. Although I'd never ridden in it, Alaska apparently had a car, and she offered to drive the Colonel and me to McDonald's, but the Colonel didn't have any money, and I didn't have much either, what with constantly paying for his extravagant cigarette habit.

So instead the Colonel and I reheated two-day-old bufriedos — unlike, say, french fries, a microwaved bufriedo lost nothing of its taste or its satisfying crunch — after which the Colonel insisted on attending the Creek's first basketball game of the season.

'Basketball in the fall?' I asked the Colonel. 'I don't know much about sports, but isn't that when you play football?'

'The schools in our league are too small to have football teams, so we play basketball in the fall. Although, man, the Culver Creek football team would be a thing of beauty. Your scrawny ass could probably start at lineman.

Anyway, the basketball games are great.'

I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them. In third grade — the very last year that one could play T-ball — my mother wanted me to make friends, so she forced me onto the Orlando Pirates. I made friends all right — with a bunch of kindergartners, which didn't really bolster my social standing with my peers.

Primarily because I towered over the rest of the players, I nearly made it onto the T-ball all-star team that year.

The kid who beat me, Clay Wurtzel, had one arm. I was an unusually tall third grader with two arms, and I got beat out by kindergartner Clay Wurtzel. And it wasn't some pity-the-one-armed-kid thing, either. Clay Wurtzel could flat-out hit, whereas I sometimes struck out even with the ball sitting on the tee. One of the things that appealed to me most about Culver Creek was that my dad assured me there was no PE requirement.

'There is only one time when I put aside my passionate hatred for the Weekday Warriors and their country- club bullshit,' the Colonel told me. 'And that's when they pump up the air-conditioning in the gym for a little old- fashioned Culver Creek basketball. You can't miss the first game of the year.'

As we walked toward the airplane hangar of a gym, which I had seen but never even thought to approach, the Colonel explained to me the most important thing about our basketball team: They were not very good. The 'star' of the team, the Colonel said, was a senior named Hank Walsten, who played power forward despite being five-foot-eight. Hank's primary claim to campus fame, I already knew, was that he always had weed, and the Colonel told me that for four years, Hank started every game without ever once playing sober.

'He loves weed like Alaska loves sex,' the Colonel said. 'This is a man who once constructed a bong using only the barrel of an air rifle, a ripe pear, and an eight-by-ten glossy photograph of Anna Kournikova. Not the brightest gem in the jewelry shop, but you've got to admire his single-minded dedication to drug abuse.'

From Hank, the Colonel told me, it went downhill until you reached Wilson Carbod, the starting center, who was almost six feet tall. 'We're so bad,' the Colonel said, 'we don't even have a mascot. I call us the Culver Creek Nothings.'

'So they just suck?' I asked. I didn't quite understand the point of watching your terrible team get walloped, though the air-conditioning was reason enough for me.

'Oh, they suck,' the Colonel replied. 'But we always beat the shit out of the deaf-and-blind school.' Apparently, basketball wasn't a big priority at the Alabama School for the Deaf and Blind, and so we usually came out of the season with a single victory.

When we arrived, the gym was packed with most every Culver Creek student — I noticed, for instance, the Creek's three goth girls reapplying their eyeliner as they sat on the top row of the gym's bleachers. I'd never attended a school basketball game back home, but I doubted the crowds there were quite so inclusive. Even so, I was surprised when none other than Kevin Richman sat down on the bleacher directly in front of me while the opposing school's cheerleading team (their unfortunate school colors were mud-brown and dehydrated-piss-yellow) tried to fire up the small visitors' section in the crowd. Kevin turned around and stared at the Colonel.

Like most of the other guy Warriors, Kevin dressed preppy, looking like a lawyer-who-enjoys-golfing waiting to happen. And his hair, a blond mop, short on the sides and spiky on top, was always soaked through with so much