that."
And he kissed me.
I'd loved him for so long. Though everything might change, would change, I couldn't help but kiss him back.
It was a long kiss, a hard kiss. I'd seen him walk out so many doors with other women, and finally he was with me.
He started to say something, but I said, "No, don't." I kissed him again, my own initiation. That seemed to answer his question, if that was what he'd been going to ask. "It's you," I said, as he kissed my throat. I had my good hand under his sweatshirt, touching the precious skin of his back, his ribs, the almost flat nipples. I rubbed my face in the hair on his chest and his breath caught in his throat. His hands were not idle, either, and when they found my breasts he made another, altogether different noise. I thought I would weep with joy.
"The shirt's got to come off," he said, and we worked to do that. "Your arm?" he asked.
"Okay, don't worry about it," I whispered. "Just don't lie on it and it'll be okay." I felt like I could get hit with a shovel all over again and I wouldn't care right now. My body and my heart were fully engaged for the first time. His hands seemed to know where to go and what to do when they got there. We knew each other so well in every other respect, it seemed only natural that we would easily understand each other's desires in this new activity. We already knew the appearance of each other's bodies, but not the textures or specifics; now we set out to learn those. His phallus was long, not as thick as some I'd encountered. He'd been circumcised. He had a slight upward curve. He was very sensitive around his balls. I loved touching him in places I'd never had the right to touch him before, and he loved being free to touch me between my legs. He loved it, and his fingers could be very clever.
"I wish I could see you," he said, but I was glad for the dark. It made me a little braver, and I concentrated on my sense of touch, so I didn't have time to think. If I'd had time to think, it wouldn't have gone nearly as wonderfully as it did.
As it was, when we'd finally gotten off enough clothes, when I was sure neither of us was going to back down, when he finally entered me, it was the happiest moment of my life. I let go of my safety, and I said, "I love you."
And Tolliver said, "Always."
Nine
"I wish you had some Kleenex," I murmured. I was resting on his chest. Our clothes were somewhere under the covers with us, or at least most of them were.
"Just use my sweatshirt," he said in a lazy voice, and I stifled a giggle.
I felt around us, maybe tickling him a little in the process, and located what felt like his sweatshirt. "I hope you weren't teasing, because I'm going to use it," I said.
"Go right ahead." He kissed the top of my head.
So I dried myself off a little, and patted him, too.
"Hey, be careful, that's my favorite body part," he murmured.
"Mine, too," I said, and he laughed. I felt his belly heave up and down. It was wonderful.
"I didn't think we'd ever do it," he said, sounding suddenly serious.
"Me, either. I thought I'd keep on watching you go off with waitresses."
"Or that cop, the one in Sarne. He really scared me. To say nothing of Manfred."
"Really?"
"Oh, yeah. I mean, the piercings and the tattoos, that's a lot to put up with, but he's so gone on you. And his grandmother won't live forever. I had a feeling Manfred would say that when Xylda passed away he'd be free to escort you around, and you'd want me to have the normal life you're always trying to shove on me, and you'd dump me and hire Manfred to be your manager, and I'd have to go find a job somewhere away from you."
"That's not going to happen, right? "
"Not if I have anything to say about it. And I do, right?"
"I believe I remember telling you how I felt about you."
"I could stand to hear it again."
"Uh-uh. You first."
"I love you. I don't love you like I should love a sister. I love you like a man loves a woman. I want to be inside you again, right now. I want to have sex with you over and over."
I had to stop myself from squeaking, Really? I took a deep breath. "Why? " I said, which might have been worse.
"Because you're beautiful and smart," he said instantly. "Because you always try hard, no matter what you're doing. Because you're honest, and because I've wanted to see your boobs for years now, and damn it, it's dark in here and I can't."
"I got to see your dick one time, when you got out of the shower and the door wasn't shut tight," I said. "It was a year ago."
"Oh, and you been dreaming about it ever since," he said hopefully.
"Well, actually…yes. But don't get a swelled head."
"That's not the head that's swelling."
"So I feel." I licked my thumb and ran it over the lower head.
"Oh, God."
I did it again.
He just drew in his breath this time. "Keep doing that," he said.
So I did, and then he found something to do to me that I liked, and we traded like that until we were ready to join again. This time was even better, and we reached the climax at the same time. I thought we would pound each other into pieces. This time he fell asleep almost as soon as we were through, and after I'd used his sweatshirt again, I did, too.
I was so deeply asleep the huge crash came as a complete surprise to me. In fact, it scared me so much I almost started screaming.
"Tree came down," said Tolliver. "It was a tree. Hold on, baby, it wasn't on us."
We scrambled into all our clothes. Tolliver rejected the sweatshirt with the simple remark "Damp," and found his suitcase by patting the area where it was supposed to be. He fished out another one, he told me, and I heard him fumbling around further. I'd gotten out of the bed on the other side and I was feeling the floor for my boots.
With lots of "Oops" and "Where are you? I found the flashlight," we finally connected and went to the window. Tolliver switched the flash on, and we looked outside. It was one of the big searchlight kind, and he'd gotten it at Wal-Mart that afternoon. It showed us that the pine tree the Hamiltons had been so worried about had indeed fallen under the weight of the ice. But due to some force we couldn't fathom, it had fallen at an angle and blocked the Hamiltons' driveway instead. I had an awful feeling their car was under it.
"Does their roof look okay?" I asked. But we couldn't tell.
"I guess I have to go to over and check on them," Tolliver said.
"I'll come," I said.
"No, you won't. Not with a broken arm, you're not getting out there to walk around on slick ice. If there's something wrong over there, I'll come back and get you," he said. "Hey, how's your arm feeling? We didn't bump it too much? "
"No, it's pretty good."
"So I'll be back in a few minutes."
I really couldn't argue with his reasons for wanting me to stay behind. It made sense.
I waited in the cold cabin while Tolliver worked his way down the ice-slick stairs and began a slow progress across the front yard of our cabin and over to the Hamiltons' place. I poked the fire and added a log, and then I pulled a chair over to the window and wrapped myself in a blanket.
Half of me was intent on following the light held in Tolliver's hand, while the other half was standing a little distance apart screaming, "You just slept with Tolliver! You just slept with Tolliver!" in tones of mingled horror and delight. Only time would tell if we'd just (literally) fucked up the best relationship we'd ever had—or if we'd opened the door to greater happiness.
Even thinking that felt sappy. But God, it might all be okay. I snapped out of this incoherent internal babbling to realize that Tolliver was having a hard time getting to the door of the Hamilton house because of the tree branches.
I opened the window, with a lot of effort. One-handed, it was a bitch.
"You need me to come help?" I called. My voice was startling.
I felt Tolliver was restraining himself from saying that was the last thing in the world he needed. "No, thanks," he called back, with wonderful restraint. Even hearing his voice made me catch my breath. There was something different about it, there was. Some tension that had kept him taut and stretched had snapped. I was as moony and dreamy as a girl who'd had her first French kiss, and I made myself enter the here and now.
The Hamiltons' door was opening, and I could see Ted Hamilton. He was wearing a hat, which looked ridiculous but actually was pretty smart, considering how much of your body heat you lose through your head. He and Tolliver exchanged a few words, and then Tolliver began making his way back over to our temporary home.
I opened the door when he reached the top of the steps, and he propelled himself inside.
"Oh, God, it's cold out there," he said, and he made a beeline to the fire. He piled on a couple more pieces of wood and stood there for a moment, his face as close to the fire as he could get it without actually singeing his mustache. He closed his eyes with the bliss of the warmth.
"Were they okay?"
"Yeah. Mad. Ted said a few words I think he'd been saving up since the Korean War. I was glad I'm not a member of the McGraw-Cotton family. He actually said he was gonna sue."
"Wonder if he'd have a chance in court."
Tolliver held out a hand, tipped it one way then another. "I want to say that would be ridiculous, but you know how the justice system can be."
We fell silent, looked at each other.
"Are you sorry?" he asked.
"No. You?"
"We should have done it a long time ago. You kept saying I should leave you. I didn't know if that was what you wanted or not. I finally decided to sink or swim. You were thinking what?"
"I was thinking I loved you so much that I shouldn't keep you around me, because you must not find out I felt that way. I thought you might think it was gross or sick. Or…you might feel kind
