smoke detector. For hours I tried to remap my life. But I didn't have a clue which direction to go.
fifteen
I was more like a zombie than a person when I came out of my room the next day. Tolliver was eating breakfast, and he poured me a cup of coffee without a word. I went over to the table cautiously, sinking into my chair with as much relief as if I'd negotiated a minefield. He glanced up from his paper, gave me a horrified look.
'Are you sick?' he asked. 'God, you look like something the cat dragged in!'
That actually made me feel much better. If he'd said something sweet, I'd have lost it then and there, grabbed hold of him, and sobbed all over his shirt front.
'I didn't have a good night,' I said, very carefully. 'I didn't sleep.'
'No shit. I can kind of tell. You better get out your makeup.'
'Thanks for the boost, Tolliver.'
'Well, I'm just saying. We don't want the coroner mistaking you for the corpse.'
'Okay, enough.' Somehow, I felt much better after this exchange.
Tolliver had been reading the paper, and he shoved it over to me. He was not going to say anything about my strange behavior of the night before, apparently. 'Not much about Tabitha today. I guess it's getting cold.'
'About time.' I picked up my coffee cup with a shaking hand, managed to get the edge of the cup to my lips without spilling anything. I took a long sip, set the cup down with just as much care. Tolliver had kept the sports section, and he was involved with a basketball story, so he didn't witness this embarrassing weakness. I exhaled, felt some relief, and took a steadier drink. Okay, caffeine was a good thing. I got a croissant out of the basket, knew I'd regret it later, and ate the whole thing in about forty-five seconds.
'Good,' was Tolliver's only comment. 'You could use some body fat.'
'You're just a bundle of compliments this morning,' I said tartly. I felt much better now. Suddenly I felt a surge of optimism, with even less ground than I'd felt my deep depression of the night before. I'd been overly dramatic, right? This was okay. We were all right. Everything would be the same.
I ate another croissant. I even buttered it.
'Are you going to run?' Tolliver asked mildly.
'No,' I said.
'You're just a party animal today. Croissants and no running! How's the leg today?'
'Fine. Just fine.'
There was a long pause.
'You were acting kind of weird last night,' he said.
'Ah. Lot to think about,' I said vaguely, waving the last piece of croissant in an arc to indicate the breadth of my thought.
'I hope that worked out for you,' he said. 'You scared me a little.'
'Sorry,' I said, trying to keep my voice light and airy. 'A sudden attack of thoughtfulness will do that to you.'
'Um-hum.' He stared at me, his dark eyes full of his own thoughtfulness.
The cell phone rang when he'd gone back to his newspaper story, and I reached over to answer it. Somehow his hand was there before mine, and I wondered what was happening with him. We were sure being mysterious with each other, these days.
'Tolliver Lang,' he said.
'All right,' he said, after a moment.
'Where is that?' he asked next.
'All right, we'll be there in forty-five minutes,' he said, before folding the phone shut.
He looked at me, somehow harder and sadder than before.
'The family gave permission,' he said. 'We can go see the body now.'
I got up and walked into my room to get dressed without another word.
When I came out twenty minutes later, I was clean and my clothes were fresh, but that was about all I could say. Despite Tolliver's advice, I didn't fool with makeup, and I only ran a brush through my hair. I wore it short, since I couldn't have dealt with a lot of hair to arrange, some days; today was definitely one of those days. I'd pulled on the top sweater in my suitcase, which was cream-colored, and the top pair of jeans, and the top pair of socks. Luckily, I only carry things that can coordinate, because otherwise I would have looked like I'd dressed in the dark.
Tolliver was about on par with me sartorially, and he hugged me when I emerged, ready to go. I was so surprised that I hugged him back for a moment, feeling thankful and grateful for him, as I always did. Then I realized what I was doing, and I froze, every muscle in my body going tense. I could feel the change in him when he realized that something was wrong between us.
'What have I done?' he asked, pulling away, looking down at me. 'What have I done to you?'
I couldn't meet his eyes. 'Nothing,' I muttered. 'Let's just get this over with.'