Barefoot: A Novel

Her hair, which had always been like corn silk, began fal ing out in ghastly clumps; in places, Brenda could see right through to her scalp.

Vicki had a wig in one of the suitcases she’d brought from home, though Brenda couldn’t bring herself to suggest Vicki wear it.

One morning, a Tuesday, a chemo morning, Brenda found Vicki in her room, rocking back and forth on the bed with both of the kids in her lap, crying.

“I don’t want to go,” she said. “Please don’t make me go. They’re trying to kil me.”

“They’re trying to help you, Vick,” Brenda said.

“Mom’s not going to the hospital today,” Blaine said.

“Come on,” Brenda said. “You’re scaring the kids.”

“I’m not going,” Vicki said.

“Josh wil be here any second,” Brenda said. “You haven’t made him anything for breakfast.”

“I can’t cook anymore,” Vicki said. “Just looking at food makes me sick. If Josh is hungry, Melanie wil make him something.” This had happened two or three times now: With Vicki too sick to cook, Melanie had attempted to step in and cook for Josh. There had been a platter of scrambled eggs, somehow both watery and burned, and some limp, greasy bacon—after which Josh said he would be happy with just a bowl of Cheerios.

“You can’t skip chemo, Vick. It’s like any medicine. It’s like antibiotics. If you stop taking it, even for one day, you’l go back to being sick.”

“I’m not going,” Vicki said.

“She’s not going!” Blaine shouted. “She’s staying home!”

Vicki made no move to shush Blaine or reprimand him for yel ing at his aunt who was, it should be pointed out, just trying to do the right thing!

The family was going to hel in a handbasket.

“I’l give you a few minutes,” Brenda said. “But we are leaving at eight-thirty.”

Brenda left the room, dreading her mother’s inevitable phone cal . How is she? El en Lyndon would ask. And what could Brenda possibly say?

She’s scared. She’s angry. She hurts. It wasn’t possible to give their mother a dose of that kind of unadulterated truth. She’s fine, Brenda would say. The kids are fine.

As Brenda was feeling guilty for lies she hadn’t even told yet, she heard the predictable crunch of tires on shel s. Josh. Somehow, Brenda thought, Josh would keep them afloat. Now that Brenda was a regular communicator with God, she believed Josh had been sent to them for a reason. Brenda tiptoed down the flagstone path and met Josh by the gate. She was stil in her nightgown and it was a misty, chil y morning. She crossed her arms over her chest.

He furrowed his brow. “You’re not throwing rocks today?” he said. “Is something wrong?”

“Kind of,” Brenda said. “I need your help.”

“Okay,” Josh said. Brenda saw his eyes brighten. In this, he was like Walsh. Being typical y Australian, Walsh loved to help. “Anything.”

“I need you to talk to Vicki.”

Another person might have said, Anything but that, but Josh had no problem with Vicki. He liked her; he wasn’t afraid of her cancer. He cal ed her “Boss,” and each day he teased her about her “non-list list.”

“Okay,” Josh said. “Sure. What about?”

“Just talk to her,” Brenda said. “She needs a friend. She’s sick of me.”

“No problem,” Josh said. “I’m here for you.”

Brenda was about to lead him into the house, into Vicki’s bedroom, but those words, I’m here for you, even though they were said in a casual, lighthearted way, nearly made Brenda weep with gratitude. She suspected that Josh wasn’t a col ege student at al , but rather, an angel. Brenda placed her hands on his shoulders, stood on her tiptoes, and kissed him. He tasted young, like a piece of unripe fruit; his lips were soft. She felt him move toward her, he took hold of her waist.

Immediately, Brenda realized she’d made a mistake. What was wrong with her? Gently, she pushed Josh away. “I’m sorry,” she said. “That was unfair of me.”

“You are so beautiful,” Josh said. “You know I think so.”

Yes, Brenda knew it. She had seen how he looked at her in her nightgown and her bikini, but she had done nothing to encourage him. When they spoke, she was friendly but never more than friendly. If anything, she had worked to keep Josh at arm’s length. The last thing she wanted was for anyone to think . . . But, as ever, her good judgment fled her for one instant. She had kissed him—and it was a real kiss—so now, suddenly, on top of everything else, she was a tease. She had so much on her mind, so many heavy, difficult things, that the idea that there was someone wil ing to help, even a little bit, overwhelmed her good sense. She had made a mess of nearly everything in her life, but she didn’t want to make a mess with Josh.

“It was unfair of me because I’m in love with someone else,” Brenda said. “Someone back in New York.” She thought of the damn napkin tucked into her book; the ink was smeared now. Call John Walsh!

“Oh,” Josh said. He looked pissed off. He had every reason to be; he had every reason to leave Number Eleven Shel Street and never come back, but Brenda hoped he wouldn’t. She hoped he was here for reasons a lot more powerful than any crush he might have on her.