She couldn’t sleep—or rather, after the beach picnic she fel asleep like a rock sinking to the bottom of a riverbed and then she awoke with a jolt.
She lifted Ted’s arm and looked at his watch: 1:00 AM. Vicki’s head was buzzing; she was wide awake. The room was dark, the house quiet except for Ted’s gentle snoring. Vicki flipped over and caught sight of the Styrofoam head, the wig, the ghoulish face, Daphne, and it freaked her out. She rose from bed, picked the head up, and set it in the back of the closet. In the morning, it was going to the dump.
The boys were sleeping on their mattress on the floor. They were on their backs, their heads together at the top of the mattress. Blaine had an arm flung protectively across Porter’s chest . They were sleeping with just a sheet, which was now bunched down by Blaine’s ankles. Vicki stood at the foot of the mattress, watching them. Because it was so warm, Blaine slept in only short pajama bottoms and Porter in just a diaper. Their torsos were perfectly formed—Blaine lean and muscular, Porter chubby with baby fat—and their skin was milky white; it glowed. Vicki could pick out a pattern of poison ivy on the back of Porter’s leg, she could discern a juicy new mosquito bite on Blaine’s forearm. Their dark eyelashes fanned out against their cheeks; Blaine’s eyelids were alive with movement underneath. What was he dreaming about?
There was, she decided, no more beautiful sight than her children sleeping. She loved her sons so profoundly, their perfect bodies and al the complexities each contained, that she thought she might explode. My children, she thought. They were bodies that had come from her body, they were a part of her—and yet she would die and they would live.
Vicki had entered into motherhood whol y unprepared. She had woken up confused when the nurse brought Blaine in to feed on the night he was born. The reality had sunk in, gradual y, over the past four and a half years. This child is my responsibility. Mine. For the rest of my life.
Being a mother was the best of al human experiences, and also the most excruciating. Getting the baby to nurse, getting the baby to eat solids, getting the baby to sleep, the teething, the crying, the crawling, into everything, can’t take my eyes off him for a second, a whole rol of toilet paper stuffed into the toilet, the first steps, the fal ing, the trips to the emergency room ( Does he need stitches? ), the Cheerios that stuck together and nearly choked him, the weaning from the breast, the bottle, the pacifier, the grating squeal of Elmo’s voice, the first playdate, the hitting, the grabbing, the first word, Dada (Dada?), the second word, mine, the earaches, the diaper rash, the croup. It was a constant drone, al day, every day, occupying Vicki’s hands, her eyes, her mind. Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Who did she used to be? She couldn’t remember.
Vicki used to think that Blaine was born for her mind and Porter was born for her heart. Blaine was so damn capable, so independent, so smart.
Before Vicki was diagnosed, he had taught himself to read, he knew his states and state capitals ( Frankfort, Kentucky), and he kept a list of animals that were nocturnal ( bat, opossum, raccoon). A day with Blaine was one long conversation: Watch me, watch me, watch me, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Will you play Old Maid? Will you do the puzzle? Can we paint? Do Play-Doh? Practice numbers and letters? What day is today? What day is tomorrow? When can Leo come over? What time is it? When is Daddy coming home? How many days until we go to Nantucket? How many days until Porter’s birthday? How many days until my birthday? Blaine’s favorite time of day was story time, and better than the stories Vicki held in her hands, he said, were the ones in her mind. He loved the story of the night he was born (Vicki’s water breaking unexpectedly, ruining the suede Ralph Lauren sofa in their pre-kids Manhattan apartment), he liked the story of the night Porter was born (her water breaking in the Yukon on her way home from dinner in New Canaan; Ted drove like a banshee to Fairfield Hospital, and Vicki delivered in time for Ted to get their babysitter home before midnight). But Blaine’s favorite story was about how Vicki had punched Auntie Brenda in the nose when Auntie Brenda was a newborn, freshly home from the hospital, and how Auntie Brenda bled, and Vicki, feeling scared of what her mother would say, locked herself in the bathroom, and a fireman had to come get her out. As Vicki watched Blaine sleep, she realized she hadn’t told him any real stories in a long time—and what was worse, he’d stopped asking for them. Maybe someday she’d tel him the story of how she had lung cancer and they came to Nantucket for the summer and she got better.
What was he dreaming about? A bike without training wheels, a scooter, a skateboard, bubble gum, a water pistol, a pet? These were the things he wanted most, and he made Vicki set timelines. Can I have a hamster when I’m six? Can I have a skateboard when I’m ten? Blaine wanted to be big, he wanted to be old; this had been true even before Josh came into the picture, and now, of course, Blaine wanted to be exactly like Josh. He wanted to be twenty-two, he wanted a cel phone and a Jeep. Vicki always told Blaine that the day he became a teenager was the day her heart would break, but now she thought that if she lived to see Blaine turn thirteen, she would count herself the luckiest woman alive.
The other morning, Vicki had awoken to find Blaine standing by her bed, a silent sentry. She smiled at him and whispered, Hey, you. Blaine pointed to the corner of his eye, he pointed to the center of his chest, and then he pointed to Vicki, and Vicki did the best she could to keep from crying. I love you, too, she said.
And then there was Porter, her baby. She missed him so much. He’d stopped nursing, and suddenly it was like he’d grown up and gone off to col ege. He took bottles from Josh, from Brenda, from Ted—al Vicki got was two and sometimes three hours during the heat of the afternoon when Porter took his nap tucked into the crook of her arm. He made sweet cooing noises when he slept, he babbled when he was awake, he sucked his pacifier like it was his job. His body was a pudding; when he smiled there was a dimple in his cheek. He was almost total y bald now and he only had two teeth—in truth, he looked like an old man. But he was so sweet—that smile could make anyone love him. Don’t grow up! Vicki thought. Stay a baby, at least until I’m healthy enough to enjoy you! But Porter was chasing after his brother, the trailblazer. He would not be left behind! He was determined to conquer his developmental milestones early and with ease. Already, he had started cruising around the living room while holding on to Aunt Liv’s dainty furniture. Soon, he would be walking. Her baby would be gone.
Blaine stirred. He made a snorting noise like a startled horse, and his eyes opened. He looked at Vicki. She held her breath—the last thing she wanted was for him to wake up, or to wake up his brother. His eyes drifted closed. She exhaled. Even this hurt. I love you, she thought. You were both born for my heart.
She tiptoed into the living room. Quiet, dark. The banjo clock ticked. Brenda’s door was shut, Melanie’s door was ajar about an inch. Vicki stepped out onto the back deck. The night sky was achingly beautiful. Vicki couldn’t believe that people slept through nights like this. Back in the kitchen, she wrote the note, and then she left.
Gone for a walk. To Sankaty Light. In her ersatz pajamas—a pair of gym shorts, her Duke T-shirt, and flip-flops, with a bandanna on her head.
This was, she realized, another crazy escape, just like the previous morning’s jaunt to the Old Mil . She felt like
