'Seems all right here,' he said. 'I'll just check the other rooms.'
With the aggressive confidence of one who has no expectation whatsoever of trouble, he opened the bedroom door. The man standing just inside struck him firmly and accurately on the nose, crashing him back against the wall. Penny screamed as he shoulder-charged her to the ground, then his footsteps were receding down the stairs.
'Jesus Christ!' groaned Dalziel, rubbing his watering eyes. They cleared enough for him to see Penelope who was struggling to her knees. The fall had dislodged her crowning glory of lustrous black curls and beneath the wig appeared a crop of tightly crushed locks, grey almost to whiteness.
'Are you all right,' asked Dalziel.
'No better for having you here,' she answered. 'God, your nose is a mess!'
He helped her up and together they went round the flat. The intruder proved to have been a neat burglar if burglar he was. He had clearly made an attempt to leave things as he found them and Penny had to admit that she might well have never noticed he'd been there.
'What the hell was he after?' she asked, having ascertained there was nothing missing.
'God knows,' said Dalziel from the bathroom where he was bathing his nose.
'What do you think I should do?' asked Penny. 'Call the police?'
'I am the police, remember?' said Dalziel, himself remembering he had sent a message saying he had a bilious attack to excuse his absence from the closing dinner. 'First thing I'd do is get your lock changed. That thing wouldn't stop a backward parrot.'
'You're bloody cool, I must say,' she protested. 'I've been burgled, and is this the best you can do?'
'You've seen nowt yet,' said Dalziel, removing his jacket and tie and sitting down on a sofa.
'What the hell do you think you're doing?' she asked.
He looked at her in surprise.
'You don't think I'd let you stop here by yourself tonight?' he said in a pained voice.
For a second she thought of getting angry again. Then with a sigh she removed her black wig which she had quickly rearranged and ran her fingers through her whitening hair. She aged fifteen years in a second.
'My top teeth come out too,' she said.
'Grand,' he said. 'I was getting worried I might be too old for you. Me, apart from my nose, I've got nowt that's detachable, I'm afraid.'
Now she smiled knowingly.
'We'll have to see about that,' she said.
They had Scotch, then they went to bed, and then they sat up in bed and had some more Scotch.
'Wasn't there some story, one of those old myths, where some god used to come to earth in various forms to have a bit of fun with the girls?' said Penny.
'Seems a sensible sort of thing to do,' observed Dalziel.
'Once he came as a swan, and once he came as a shower of rain, then another time he came as a bull.'
'How'd he manage it as a shower of rain?'
'I don't know. But I've a damn good idea how he managed it as a bull!'
Dalziel smirked modestly as though at a royal accolade.
'You should have had me that time fifteen years back,' he said. 'I've slowed down a lot.'
'Haven't we all?'
'Not you,' he said. 'Must be living down here that's done it. It's all too fast for me.'
'Like Yorkshire was too slow for me,' she said. 'I really missed London, I admit it. And the funny thing was, it didn't get any better as time went by. I paid visits, mind you. I mean, it's only a couple of hours or so on the train. But it wasn't the same. I had to get back.'
'Is that why you decided to sell up?'
'That's right.'
'How did Patrick react?'
'Patrick? He didn't say much. He was never one for big dramatic scenes. But I could see he wasn't too happy. But it was my life too, and there's only one life apiece, isn't there? He'd just finished his 'O' levels, it was a good time to move. And another couple of years and he'd be taking off by himself anyway. So I went ahead with the sale.'
'And Patrick!'
'He went ahead with his life as if there wasn't any question of leaving,' said Penny. 'God, that boy! He could be infuriating, he'd always been like this; anything happening or about to happen that he didn't care for, he just ignored it. I remember he came home about that time and told me he'd been discussing things with his teachers and he was going to take up accountancy. Just like that. I said he could do that just as easily in London as Yorkshire, but he didn't seem to hear me. I couldn't even see why he wanted to do accountancy. I mean, he was all right at maths, but not great. Whereas for biology, and in particular anything to do with plants, he always got top marks. He even won prizes. But no, it had to be accountancy.'
'Perhaps it was because he admired his great-uncle so much,' said Dalziel.
'I don't remember telling you Uncle Eddie was an accountant,' said Penny, frowning.
