Bones and Silence

He examined his statement carefully. It seemed pretty limpid.

Now the women were looking at each other in amazement.

'But, Peter, of course you're not! Where did you get that idea from?' said Chung with the wide-eyed surprise of one who suspects this is no longer Kansas.

'Peter, for heaven's sake, what's got into you?' demanded Ellie with the exasperation of a wife being shown up in front of her friends.

It was time for continued firmness. He heard himself saying, 'But you were talking about my limp . . . and the Devil being lame . . . and me fitting the part..’

'Just a gag. Pete. What do you take me for? Hell, with luck, by the time the show goes on you'll hardly be limping at all. I mean, you're going back to work tomorrow, aren't you? Do you think I'd take the piss out of anyone who was really disabled? Besides, you're far too nice and amiable. The man I've got in mind looks as proud and prickly as Lucifer, not your type at all!'

He had a feeling that, though not yet quite sure what the wrong was, he was sinking deeper and deeper in it. But that didn't matter. He needed to be absolutely clear that this was no set-up.

'And you definitely do not want me now, nor ever will want me, to perform an acting role in this or any of your dramatic productions?'

'Pete, I swear it, hand on heart.'

She performed the oath very solemnly, then observing the direction of his gaze, squeezed her left breast voluptuously and laughed.

'Happy now, Pete?' she asked.

'Chung, I'm sorry, it's this long convalescence all plastered up. You know, like Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window, you start getting paranoiac.'

'I forgive, I forgive.' Then she added in alarm, 'Hey, but you're not backing off altogether! Pete, you promised the first thing you did when you got back to work would be to get yourself seconded to my 'Mysteries' committee to make sure we get full cooperation with traffic and parking and security, all that shit!'

'Of course I will,' said Pascoe expansively. 'Anything I can do to help, short of acting - well short of acting - you know you've only got to ask.'

'Anything, eh?' said Chung reflectively. A tiny grin twitched Ellie's lips, like a Venetian gnat landing in your Campari soda. And it occurred to Pascoe that in Rear Window James Stewart hadn't been paranoiac, he'd been the one who saw things clearly.

'Anything within my . . .' he began. But it was like a trainee para opting for ground crew after he'd stepped out of the plane.

'There is one small problem you're well placed to help me with,' said Chung.

'What's that?' he asked, not because he wanted to, but because the script demanded it.

'It's nothing, really. It's just that, you know this party I'm having next Sunday, sort of combined thank-you and publicity launch for the Mystery project?'

Pascoe, who knew about it because Ellie had told him they were going, nodded.

'Well, the thing is, Pete, I sent an invite to your boss, the famous Superintendent Dalziel. It's about time the two biggest names in town got together. Only he hasn't replied.'

'He's not that keen on formal social occasions,' said Pascoe, who knew that the constable who sorted Dalziel's mail had strict instructions to file all invitations that smelled of civic tedium or arty-farty ennui in a large plastic rubbish bag.

'Well, OK, but I'd really like him to be here, Pete. Could you possibly use your influence to get him to come?'

There was something fishy here. No one could be that keen to get Dalziel to a drinks party. It was like a farmer wanting to lure a fox into his hen coop.

'Why?' said Pascoe, suspecting it might be wiser to throw a faint and get carried out rather than pursue the matter further. 'Why do you want Dalziel? There's more to this than just a social gesture, isn't there?'

'You're too sharp for me, Pete,' said Chung admiringly. 'You're dead right. Thing is, I want to audition him. You see, honey, with all I've heard about him from you, and from Ellie, and from everyone, I think Andy Dalziel might be just about perfect for God!'

And Pascoe had to sit down again suddenly or else he might just have fainted anyway.

CHAPTER TWO

At roughly the same time as this annunciation of his projected apotheosis, Detective-Superintendent Andrew Dalziel was being sick into a bucket.

Between retchings, his mind sought first causes. He counted, and quickly discounted, the six pints of bitter chased by six double whiskies in the Black Bull; scrutinized closely but finally acquitted the Toad-in-the-Hole and Spotted Dick washed down with a bottle of Beaujolais in the Borough Club for Professional Gentlemen; and finally indicted, examined, and condemned a glass of mineral water accepted unthinkingly when one of the pickled onions served with his cheese had gone down the wrong way.

It had probably been French. If so, that put his judgement beyond appeal. They boasted on their bottle that the stuff was untreated, this from a nation whose treated water could fell a healthy horse.

The retching seemed to have stopped. It occurred to him that unless he had also consumed two pairs of socks and a string vest at the Gents, the bucket had not been empty. He raised his eyes and looked around the kitchen. He hadn’t switched on the light, but even in darkness it looked in dire need of redecoration. This was the house he'd moved into when he got married and never found time or energy to move out of. On that very kitchen table he'd found his wife's last letter. It said Your dinner is keeping warm in the oven. He'd been mildly surprised to discover it was a ham salad. But it wasn't till next morning, when an insistent knocking roused