“Oh, no, it matters. Yesterday, you kept trying to send me away. I had to twist your arm to get you to give me ten minutes of your time, and then you went and got yourself knocked out for the day. Plus,” I added with a little extra indignation, “you said you thought I went to hell.”
He sighed. “Are you going to keep bringing that up?”
I pretended to consider it. “Yeah, I think so.”
“All that matters is …” He fidgeted with a gash on the steering wheel plastic, his fingers tracing it over and over. “Look, do you want to get out of here or not?”
“Depends,” I said slowly. “Where are you going to send me?”
He made an exasperated sound. “It’s not like that. I don’t have that kind of influence over … You have to understand …” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then he turned slightly in his seat to face me, his face serious.
Feeling a tingle of anticipation for what he was about to say, I leaned forward.
“Not everyone who dies ends up here,” Killian said, with the air of someone imparting some great secret.
I flopped back in my seat with a sigh. “Duh.”
He scowled at me.
“Seriously, do you expect that to be a shock to me?” I shook my head in disbelief. “I’ve been here for five days, and I have yet to see any of the dead people I know … knew.” I frowned. “Whatever. Plus, it would be way more crowded.”
He looked startled. “That’s true. How did you—”
“Just because I care about what I look like”—I took in his black T-shirt and ratty jeans with some distaste —“doesn’t mean I’m stupid.”
“Fine, fine.” He scrubbed his hands over his face. “Just listen, okay? Not everyone who dies ends up here. Some of them go directly to their final destination. Do not pass Go, do not visit your own wake.” He gave me a sharp look.
I shrugged. Yes, I’d attended my own visitation and funeral, so what? Who wouldn’t? It’s literally a once-in- a-lifetime opportunity — actually less than — to see who really cares about you and how much.
Thinking about it now, I did not remember seeing Killian at the funeral home, the church, or the cemetery. Yeah, it had been gratifyingly crowded at each location — the superintendent had even let everyone out of school early just so they could go — but trust me, you pay a lot of attention to who’s coming and going when you’re the guest of honor, so to speak.
I felt a weird sort of pang in my chest — almost like hurt. So, I was good enough to argue with, stare at, and fantasize about — since sixth grade, and yes, it was obvious — but not special enough to warrant a fifteen-minute side trip in the course of his day? Granted, the number of other spirits that probably hang around a funeral home and church might have made it a bit uncomfortable for him, but still.
Whatever. Like it mattered. Who was he to mourn for me? Just a lame-ass social nobody I never even would have realized was missing from my funeral, if I hadn’t died and needed his help. Right, okay, a small logic problem with that, but you know what I mean.
He waved a hand in front of my face to catch my attention. “I’m not doing this just to hear myself talk. You with me?”
I swatted at his hand. “I’m sorry, was my glassy-eyed boredom distracting you? Please, keep going.”
He gritted his teeth for a long second, but eventually continued. “Like I was saying, for people like
Now this is what I needed to hear. Forcing aside the odd little flare-up about Killian missing my funeral — being dead really screws with your emotions — I sat up straighter and turned toward him again, folding my legs underneath me.
“Most people aren’t here very long—”
I frowned. “But those ghosts … spirits at the school—”
He let out a breath between his teeth, an impatient hiss. “Hang on, I’m getting there.”
“Well, hurry up.” Sheesh, wasn’t like we had all day. Actually, one of us had much longer than that, but again, listening to Killian babble was not exactly how I wanted to spend the rest of eternity.
He glared at me. “Are you always this pushy?”
“Only when my immortal soul hangs in the balance,” I shot back.
“I knew you were Catholic,” he muttered.
“Watch it.”
He ignored me. “Like I was saying, when people land here, they don’t stay very long. For the most part, they’re gone in a few days.”
“Gone how? That’s the part I need to know.”
He clamped his mouth shut, and his jaw muscles twitched beneath his skin. To be sure, he had a nice jawline, firm and square. Too bad he ruined it by being all pale and spooky-looking. “For some of them, someone or some …thing comes to get them.”
“A bright white light?” I asked eagerly. I’d seen no sign of that around me at all, but at least I’d know what I was looking for.
Killian, for once, didn’t seem annoyed by the interruption. He shook his head thoughtfully. “No, not like what you see on television. It’s hard to describe. At a distance, it feels sort of warm and welcoming, like someone captured a perfect summer day in a jar and poured it out over your head.” His eyes stared off at some point above my head, a faint smile pulling at his mouth.
“How poetic,” I said with a smirk.
He snapped back to attention then, glaring at me. “You asked.”
“What about the others?” I persisted. “You said one of three things happened. The happy golden light is one alternative. Getting stuck here forever or at least for a bunch of years, like the people at school, that’s clearly option number two.”
He nodded begrudgingly.
“So what’s the third thing that can happen?” I bet he just loved having me pull all of this information from him, making him feel special and important and crap.
“Most of them just disappear,” he said, sounding like that’s what he wanted to happen to me right then and there.
Alona gone, poof. But for once I didn’t feel the slightest bit woozy.
“How long does the disappearing thing go on?” I really hated this sliding in and out of existence. It was annoying, like never being able to finish a sentence before having to start over again.
Killian shook his head. “That’s what’s weird. For most of them, it’s a one-shot deal. When you disappear, you’re done.” He looked over at me, his pale blue eyes distant and cool, like he was imagining me gone.
“So what happens when you completely disappear? I mean, is it bad there?” I felt tears pricking my eyes. Okay, so maybe I hadn’t been perfect, but surely, I didn’t deserve to be completely obliterated, right?
“I don’t know,” he said, lifting his hands palms up. “I’ve never had anyone come back and tell me.”
“But I don’t understand—” I stopped, a sense of horror dawning on me as his words made another piece of the puzzle click into place. “That’s why you laughed at me yesterday. Before school started. You didn’t care if I saw you see me because you thought I was gone for good.” I felt the truth in it even without his response.
He glanced away, staring out the side window at the parking lot. “I shouldn’t have laughed. That was wrong.”
“You’re damn right it was.” I couldn’t believe him, parading around as this nice, albeit freaky, guy when secretly he wanted nothing more than to see me gone … permanently. “I’ve never done anything to you to deserve—”
He laughed bitterly. “Oh, right. The great and golden Alona Dare, the original Miss Perfect.”
Stung, I jerked back. “I never claimed to be—”
But he wasn’t done yet. “One cross-eyed look or nasty word from you destroys lives, and you take pleasure in it—”
“I’ve had enough of this.” I turned away from him to pass through the car door and into the street, but my
