If You Were Here

“Funny story. I was on vacation in Miami with the family, and your grandmother tracked us down. She”—he pauses and flinches just the tiniest bit—“convinced us to come up here.”

That doesn’t make sense. “How’d she even know? No one in my family wanted to tell her, because we didn’t want her to freak out. She’s old and kind of delicate.”

Mike shrugs. “I guess Mac called her and asked for her help. Turns out it’s a real small world, because her company cleans the condo where we were staying, and let’s just say she can be very, very persuasive. Also, I’m not so sure about the delicate part.” Then he kind of bites his lip and looks off in the distance for a second. “Anyway, are ya ready to see your new kitchen?”

We pass the library, and I can’t help but notice that all my gor-geous paneling has been repaired and restored, and also that the enormous gilded cross Babcia gave us as a housewarming gift is now mounted over the fireplace.

You know what? I can live with that.

Mike shows me all the features of my brand-new kitchen, with the warming drawer and extra refrigerated drawer in the island. The cabinets are a painted cream finish with antiquing in the crevices, with oil-rubbed bronze fixtures and pulls. The counters are a sandcolored granite with cambered edges. Although I’m both shocked and awed, I’m not surprised by how well it all coordinates, because they used all the stuff Vlad and I picked out. The guy might have been a mercenary and possibly a thief, but he was definitely an aesthete.

“All of the appliances work?” I ask tentatively. “I can have hot or cold food whenever I want?”

“Of course it works! Our job is to make it right around here!” Mike booms.

The rest of the house is equally overwhelming, and I ooh and ahh over every closable door and flushable toilet. Holmes and company even put in a fail-safe opening in the panic room, and they got rid of the Jacuzzi.¹⁶⁸

“Is Mac coming home soon?” I ask. All of what I’m seeing is amazing, but what’s really making me happy is the effort Mac made to make it all right. And he called Babcia! That’s what blows me away more than anything. The only possible interpretation of all this is that even though we hit a rough patch, his love for me didn’t waver.

“Should be here shortly. Said he had to pick up your grandmother from the hotel, and then he said something about a birthday cake and someone named Jake Ryan? It was all supposed to be part of your homecoming celebration, but like I said, you’re a little early. Hope that’s still okay.”

Mac wanted me to finally have my Thompson Twins “If You Were Here” moment in the new house?

Yeah, I’d say that’s more than okay.

“You put Kevin Spacey in movie. He good boy.”

We’re in the living room and I’m curled up in Mac’s arms and covered in dogs and cats. I’d be hard-pressed to determine which creatures in this house missed me the most.

Babcia’s sitting across from us on the oversize chaise. She looks like a little kid, because her feet don’t touch the ground. Yet she still manages to be eighty pounds of imperious.

“Babcia, I don’t have that kind of decision-making power. Plus, I ran away. I’m not even sure I’m allowed to go back.”

She says nothing in response, instead choosing to fix her gaze on Mac. “Babcia need drink.” Mac sprints to the kitchen to fix Babcia’s cocktail.

I’ll never quite know the price he paid to get Babcia here and involved, but whatever it is, I’ll do my best to make it up to him for the rest of our lives.

Our reunion was brief but meaningful.

I think Mac’s exact words were, “Are we cool now?”

And yes, we are indeed cool.

“But you can’t go all distant on me again,” I told him. “I didn’t know what to think, so I thought the worst.”

“I didn’t want to distract you or ruin the surprise,” he replied. “I wanted to prove to you I could do it.”

I raised a Botox-free eyebrow at him.

“Or, technically, that Mike Holmes could do it.”

“But not knowing what was going on distracted me.”

“I really am sorry, Mia.”

“Me, too, Mac.” He pulled me to him and we stood there for a long time, just remembering what it was like to be together.

“Promise me one thing, though?” I asked when we finally broke apart.

“What’s that?”

“That you’ll never buy a forty-five-dollar lightbulb again.”

He said he wouldn’t… but I may lock down his workshop just to be sure.

The doorbell rings and I hop up to answer it. It’s a little late, but Kara and Tracey are dying to see what’s been done to the place, and I need to give Kara back her car.

Kara arrives first with a gorgeous Indian guy in tow.“This is Leo!”

We exchange pleasantries, and at no point does Leo stop gazing adoringly at Kara. He’s smitten, and it’s adorable and everything I could wish for my friend.

Mac serves everyone a cocktail and hands me a Scotch and soda. I take a tentative sip. Not bad. I’ll probably sneak some ginger ale into it when Mac’s not looking, but hey, at least it’s not pink.

Progress, yes?

We’re barely past introductions when the bell rings again. It’s Tracey and her date. “Hey, girl!” I give her a big hug, and only after we unclench do I notice the man by her side.

Although calling him a man may be pushing it.

“Um, who’s this?” I ask gamely.

“This is my date, Trevor.”

Kara and I exchange extraordinarily meaningful glances.

“Hi,Trevor, welcome! Come on in! Let’s show you around!”

While Trevor and Tracey get cocktails in the kitchen, Kara and I put our heads together. “Shouldn’t you card him before you serve him liquor?”

“What is he, fifteen?” I ask in a low tone.

“I wonder if she had to cut his meat at dinner?” she whispers back.

“You think his mommy lets him be out so late on a school night?”

It’s almost like Tracey has bionic hearing — or just knows us really well — and she shouts from the kitchen, “He’s twenty-four, you assholes.”

I’m not sure what the biggest shock of all today has been — that my house is in order, that my grandmother is here, or that Tracey’s gone straight to Cougar Town, but I swear it feels like my birthday.¹⁶⁹

Once we’re all gathered in the living room, the discussion turns back to my movie again.

“The bottom line is, I’m not running the show. And even if I were, I don’t want to be out there anymore. I’ve had enough LA to last me the rest of my life,” I tell everyone.

“Legally, what are your options?” Tracey asks.

“The rights are sold. Legally I’ve got bubkes. Trust me, I had my entertainment attorney and Ann Marie tear that contract apart, and it’s ironclad. I mean, the studio heads wanted me out there for my artistic vision,¹⁷⁰ but they’re not at all obligated to accept my input.”

“Did you just want to die when the producer paraded Vienna into the room?” Kara queries.

“Die, kill, something,” I reply.

“Won’t a subpar film dilute your whole brand?” Trevor asks.

Kara mouths, He’s adorable, and pantomimes pinching his cheek behind Tracey’s back. I answer, “Yes, and that’s a major concern. But what else can I do?”

“I can go out and straighten them out,” Mac postures.

“Much as I’d like you to punch that shitweasel in the neck, that’s not the answer,” I say before I kiss him on the cheek.

Babcia mumbles something from the depths of her chair.

“What’s that, Babcia?” I ask.