Turn of Mind

nearly falling in my haste. I look for a safe place. The only room with a door is the bathroom. I lock myself in, sit down on the toilet, and try to calm myself. To have someone to clutch, to have my hand patted and be told, It’s just a dream. Or just a movie. For I cannot tell the difference anymore. But no one is here.

Magdalena is out and about, leaving me alone in this house with an unknown thing. I wish suddenly for a dog, a bird, a fish, anything with a heartbeat. I adore cats, but we never got one, because I hated the thought of keeping one trapped indoors when its instinct would be to roam. The risks of letting one out in Chicago were too great.

Did it bother me that first time James didn’t come home? The night of his original sin? Briefly. And then I found out the facts, and all the pain disappeared, replaced by anger.

Not anger toward him, or at least nothing more than a slight flare-up that quickly burned itself out. No, anger directed inward. I never took myself for a dupe. I valued myself so highly that I assumed others did, too, especially those closest to me. James. The children, even during the horrors of the teenage years. Amanda, of course. I told no one but Amanda about James, and she disappointed me with the banality of her response.

There’s nothing worse than betrayal, she had said. And, When trust is gone, so is respect.

Actually, I told her, there are a lot of things worse than betrayal. And respect always precedes trust to the door.

What’s worse than betrayal?

Losing your sight. Losing the use of your arms. Just about any physical affliction or deformity.

Illness.

Yes.

If you’ve got your health, you’ve got everything. She made a face as she recited the platitude.

Pretty much.

Well, if that isn’t a self-serving attitude for a physician to have, I don’t know what is. No wonder they call you the hammer.

There are a lot of bona fide nails out there.

How far would you take this theory?

What theory?

That physical suffering trumps psychological, emotional, or spiritual pain?

Well, clearly they are all interrelated! I’d take it to the point that I always have, as a physician: When patients come to me, I do everything in my power to heal them or, if that isn’t possible, to minimize the impact on their ability to live their lives. Clearly, a physical trauma can have severe emotional and psychological effects that must be considered when making a prognosis.

And spiritual effects?

That one puzzles me. How can losing the use of a hand lead to a spiritual crisis? Medieval doctors, of course, believed that things worked the other way around: Spiritual flaws lead to physical illnesses. Lechery led to leprosy, for example. But other than that . . . ?

It can cause someone to doubt their God. Their sense of how the universe works. Their sense of right and wrong. But let me reverse the question. What would cause a spiritual crisis for you? What would shake your belief in your universe?

Well, clearly James having a fling is not going to do it! I know most people wouldn’t understand it, but our bond goes deeper than that. It will end. We will survive.

Clearly. Then what?

I thought about it. Some moments passed during which Amanda had time to pour herself another cup of coff ee.

I guess, I said, the thing that scares me most is corruption.

And you define corruption as . . . ?

The act or process of tainting or contaminating something. To cause something that has integrity to become rotten.

So when James cheats on you, that’s not corrupting your marriage?

You can’t corrupt something like what James and I have. Although I am quite aware you question the integrity of our relationship.

I was speaking slowly because I was in the process of working something out.

Yes, indeed I do.

It is a tragedy when something decent and good becomes tainted, I continued. That’s what is so horrifying about the Catholic Church protecting their priests. And corruption of the young is truly evil.

And that’s why it’s not horrifying about James. Because neither of you is an innocent.

Most definitely not.

And what should be the punishment for corruption?

She was playing with me, and I knew it. A dangerous game.