Love, Again

walking through the trees in the Rostand park, and you can positively see him becoming a grown-up man at that moment. Do you realize you haven't said a word? Are you all right, Stephen?'

'Well, Sarah, apart from being crazy, yes, I'm all right. And thank you for not saying, But aren't we all.'

'But I was thinking it.' It was at this moment that she knew it would be hard to tell Stephen she had fallen in love. No matter how briefly or lightly.

'I've discovered what my trouble is — why I find rehearsals so difficult. It's this business of mixing reality and illusion, it undermines me.'

And now she was astonished and could not say anything.

'Are you there, Sarah?'

'Yes, I'm here.'

'I'm sure you don't know what I mean, because you are so sensible.'

'You are saying that your being in love with Julie is real, while a play about her is illusion?'

Silence. Then, 'Is that so hard to understand?' As she did not speak, 'It's the music as well. It really turns me inside out, I don't know why. I'm quite terrified of when they start rehearsing with the singers.'

'Aren't you coming to any more rehearsals? Because I miss you.'

'Do you, Sarah? Thank you for that. Of course I shall come; one shouldn't simply give up.'

Stephen's chair remained empty. Bill was in it most of that week. This intimacy of theirs, how pleasant it was. Instant intimacy, and she had the gift too. You could say it is the great modern talent. Watching the people of a hundred years ago working out their lives, it was like a little dance of fowl. Ornamental fowl, of course. Formality. But formality makes us uneasy; we see it as an insult to sincerity.

It was not going to be easy to make the casually moving, easy-mannered people of now hold themselves, walk, sit down, stand up, in the right way. Henry called a special rehearsal. 'You all look as if you were wearing jeans,' he said. 'But we are wearing jeans,' they said, making the point that not until they put on the old clothes could they be expected to conduct themselves properly. But Henry wasn't having that. 'You — Molly — you've had your mother nagging at you all your life to keep a straight back, hold yourself properly, comme il faut. Now do it.' And Molly, wearing jeans and a T-shirt that left shoulders and neck bare, her hair tied in a knot to get it off her skin because of the heat, tried to move as if she wore corsets and a long skirt. For two hours Henry kept them at it: they stood, they sat, they walked, and again and again got up from chairs — this company in their jeans, their singlets, their sports shoes, with their natural instinct to slouch. 'By the time we get to the dress rehearsal it will be too late,' said Henry. 'We've got to get it right now.' Some did better than others. The gaucho apologized, said he would practise at home, and retired to watch the others. Bill Collins soon was showing them all how. He explained modestly that he had been a dancer, and the first thing he had learned was not to walk slumping into his hips. Sarah watched him — but they all did — walk across those bare and dusty boards as if he were held upright in a tight uniform. Every line of him was conscious of itself, and when he turned his head with a smile, or bent over an empty chair to kiss an invisible hand, he made a gift of himself to them all. The marvellous arrogance of it, protested Sarah to herself, as her heart beat, and did not doubt the other women felt the same. To be as handsome as that — it was not a joke, it should surely impose obligations, the first of them being not to use himself as he did. Well, thought Sarah, and who is talking? Had she the right? She hadn't been too bad herself… oh yes, indeed she remembered walking across a room knowing that everyone watched her, holding herself as if filled to the brim with a precious and dangerous fluid. Young girls do this, when they first discover their power: luckily most do not know how much they have. What can be more entertaining than to watch some grub of a girl, thirteen years old or so, astonished when a man (old as far as she is concerned) starts to stammer and go red, shows the nervous aggression that goes with an unwelcome attraction. What's all this? she thinks, and then is seized with illumination. Her wings burst forth, and she walks smiling across a room, reckless with power. And this condition can last until middle age deflates her. Sarah did not want to think about all that. She had closed the doors on it long ago. Why had she? She could sum it all up with Stephen's 'You're a romantic, Sarah!'… And then there had been Joyce, as good as a chastity belt. But the loss of 'all that' she had come to terms with long ago. She had been attractive and, like Julie, always had people in love with her. Basta. She could not afford this new feeling of loss, of anguish. She glanced at her forearm, bare because of the heat, shapely still but drying out, seeing it simultaneously as it was now and as it had been then. This body of hers, in which she was living comfortably enough, seemed accompanied by another, her young body, shaped in a kind of ectoplasm. She was not going to remember or think about it, and that was the end of it.

But she did think about Bill. When he sat beside her they chatted nicely about any number of things, but particularly about him. Often, his childhood, mostly in a good school in England: as she had thought, he had come from a solid middle-class family. Often, too, he was in that or this school in the States: good schools, for he had been privileged financially if not emotionally. Sometimes there were holidays with both parents, undergone for his sake, since they were divorced. These had not been a success. And he talked a lot about his mother.

Sarah reflected that this easy understanding was the same as the one you enjoy with a child, until, let's say, the age of eleven. Children you have known all their lives — like her brother's girls. (Not Joyce, who had always been on a differ- ent wavelength: you did not have a relationship with her as much as with her anxious and timid smile.) It is the pleasantest of relationships, a simple friendship, a sweetness. With early adolescence it may disappear, it seems overnight, and while the adult mourns, the child forgets, for she, he, is fighting for self- definition, cannot afford this absolute trust and openness. And who was she enjoying it with again? Bill Collins, a man of twenty-six or so, who so much loved his mother.

But the special understanding was being submerged in a group elation that was like a jacuzzi, currents of feeling swirling around, stinging, slapping, bubbling. The group temperature was rising fast, as it was bound to do, to culminate in the euphoria of the first night, after all not such a long way ahead.

Henry, when he dropped into his chair by Sarah's, or rather flung himself into it, was all jokes. He liked this play — if it could be called a play. He liked the cast — well, he had chosen it. He adored the music and the words Sarah had chosen to accord with it. And he was glad Julie herself was not around, because he was very much afraid he would adore her too. And here he rolled up his eyes and for a moment was a clown in love.

Richard Service, or Philippe, often sat by Sarah. He was a modest man, serious, full of surprises, for since he was unable to make a living entirely in the theatre, he worked as well as a lecturer in an agricultural college: his father, a farmer, had insisted he must not rely on the theatre. Sarah joked that he saw Julie as a farm girl, for he had said Julie had been brought up in one forest and lived to the end of her life in another. Why had she committed suicide? As much that she did not want to live in a town as that she was afraid of domesticity. He argued about this too with Sally, for these two often sat together, talking. Sally said in those days everyone was still close to the land one way or another, and what ailed Julie was that she was a woman. At least, Sally said, the girl had the sense not to become an actress. 'Look at me. There aren't so many parts for a fat black woman,' she announced, laughing and sighing. 'No, not so many.' What Richard and Sally talked about most was their children. Both had three. Sally's eldest daughter looked after the two smaller ones when her mother was working. Sally never mentioned a husband. She had wanted this girl to stick it out at school and then go to college, but she was threatening to leave school and take her chances. 'She's a fool,' said Sally. 'I tell her, You're a real fool, girl. In ten years' time you'll think it was the worst thing you ever did. But you can't talk to them at that age. Any more than Julie's mother could make her listen.' Richard's fifteen-year-old had 'dropped out' but been persuaded to try again. His 'dropping out', on that level of income, was hardly the same as Sally's daughter's. It was infinitely touching, the friendship of these two, with their differences. They had for each other a humorous gentleness — a respect? was it curiosity too? — precisely because of these differences.

In that second week, 'Remy's week', Andrew Stead did not have much time for sitting about. He was busy making himself over from a man you could barely imagine without his horse to Remy, in one of the heartbreaking transformations one may watch when an actor subdues one personality, using something that looks like a ferocious discipline (though perhaps it is more like a submission, all sensitive patience, a kind of listening?), to another that might very well be the opposite of his own. Andrew remarked that he liked being Remy, for he was always typecast, and in one film after another he was gangster, crook, cowboy, cop, rancher. And that was because in the very first film he had done he was an outlaw, stealing horses. And so what was he doing here? Ten years ago, he had been at Cannes for the film festival, where a film he was in had won a prize, and he had spent a day in the seductive country behind the coast, visiting the ancient hill towns, and by chance had found himself in a town, Belles Rivieres, where there was a music festival. He had heard Julie Vairon's music and did not think much about it, until later, when he could not get it out of his head. It was the 'troubadour' music that had got to him. His agent had sent