Real Live Boyfriends

“No,” I told Noel out loud.

It was true.

But it was also not true.

Noel wrote some more as Dittmar began speaking. I was in line this morning to fix my schedule with the registrar. Nora and Heidi were in front of me, he scribbled. Dittmar was going around the circle asking people what they’d seen with their eyes shut. I was a few people back and they were talking so they didn’t see me, wrote Noel. Nora told Heidi that Gideon came down to Seattle from Evergreen in order to take you out.

I read the paper with a sinking feeling in my chest. Not true, I wrote.

Then why would Nora say that? She didn’t even know I was behind her.

The girl next to me had just finished describing herself riding horses and doing some mad partying at college.

“You’ll want a rural school,” said the Ditz. “Are you considering an agricultural program?”

The girl looked at him blankly. “I just like to ride.”

Dittmar sighed. “Okay. I’ll make a note of that. Now, Ruby. What’s on your mind?”

“Noel, why are you jealous all the time?” I cried.

I didn’t mean to say that. I meant to answer Dittmar about New York City, Philadelphia, Los Angeles—living in a big city and making movies. I felt my face burn.

“What?” Noel looked shocked.

“You were jealous of me and Jackson last spring, now you’re jealous of me and Gideon.”

He looked startled.

Dittmar intervened. “Ruby, let’s leave our personal issues outside my office, shall we?”

“Ugh,” jeered Cricket. “She’s always making a scene of some kind. Like any of us is interested in your dramas, Ruby.”

I didn’t think she was interested in my dramas. I just couldn’t myself be interested in anything else at the moment. “Why don’t you just believe that you’re the one I want and trust me?” I asked Noel. I had to have it out with him—whatever it was that had gone all wrong between us.

Noel didn’t answer.

“Ruby!” Dittmar’s voice was sharp. “Are you ready to share your college visualization with us? Or shall I come back to you when you’ve collected your temper?”

“Is it because of all the stuff written on the bathroom walls about me?” I asked. “The things people whisper behind my back? Because I know what they say. ‘Slut.’ ‘Tart.’ ‘I hear she goes on her knees behind the gymnasium.’ I’ve heard all of it since sophomore year, but I thought you didn’t believe it.”

“I don’t,” said Noel quietly. But I wasn’t sure he was telling the truth.

“Listen,” I said. “You would never, ever have anything to worry about if you would just call me, and come over to my house for no reason like you used to, or else have a real conversation and tell me why everything’s changed. You’d never have to worry about Gideon or anyone else. If you’d just look at me the way you used to, so I could talk to you—”

Noel tossed his head. “If. That’s the word there.”

“What do you mean?”

“If. You said if I’d do x, y, whatever it is you want, then I could trust you. But apparently I haven’t done those things to your satisfaction, so then what? I can’t trust you?”

I wanted to tell him he could.

I wanted to be the girl who had never flirted with Gideon, never thought he’d make a better boyfriend than Noel.

But I wasn’t. I had done those things.

“You’re so suspicious,” I said. “The only reason I even went anywhere with Gideon was because you didn’t call me back. You hadn’t called me in three days when he came over.”

“So you did go out with him.”

“He wanted to go wakeboarding. He pulled up at my dock. It wasn’t a plan.”

“Nora said he came down specially.”

“I don’t know anything about that. He made it sound like one of his friends had bailed on him or something and he needed a driver.”

Noel shook his head. “I can’t believe you, Ruby.”

“It wasn’t anything. He taught me to wakeboard and we ate cheese puffs.”

“Then why wouldn’t you tell me about it?” Noel asked. “Why would you not tell me you learned to wakeboard if you didn’t feel guilty about it? It’s not like that’s a completely uneventful part of your day.”

He had a point.