The Boyfriend List

“I think I felt relieved. Like it was nice that he liked me, but I didn’t know how I was supposed to act, or talk to him, so it made me nervous whenever I was at school. When he started liking Ariel, then I didn’t have to angst about it anymore.”

“Talking to a boy who liked you made you anxious?”

“Doesn’t it make everyone anxious?” I asked. “Isn’t that a universal sentiment? You know, sweaty palms, shallow breathing, the symptoms of love?”

“Maybe. But we’re talking about you. A person who has panic attacks.”

None of my friends had spoken to me since Spring Fling. I didn’t even know why.

Not exactly. Not really.

I mean, it was obviously about the whole Jackson debacle, but why Cricket and Nora were on Kim’s side, I had no idea.

On the Tuesday after my first shrink appointment, someone finally had spoken to me, and that was worse than the silent treatment. I was in line for a pop and a sandwich that I could take out back to the bench by the library when Nora came up behind me.

I think she would have left if she had seen it was me, but her tray was on the counter and she had grabbed a bottle of juice before she realized I was standing there—so she was kind of stuck.

“Are you mad about something?” I asked her, when the silence was more than I could bear.

She looked at me and sighed. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“About that Xerox?”⁵ I asked.

“No. Give me some credit already.”

“Then enlighten me.”

Nora’s voice dripped with venom. “You can’t make out with someone else’s boyfriend, Roo,” she said. “That’s so against the rules.”

“What?”

“Rules for dating in a small school? You wrote them yourself.”

“We didn’t make out,” I said. “It was only a kiss.” (This, about the Jackson debacle. It’s a long story. For now, just know that there was ex-boyfriend kissing involved, and that Jackson was now attached to Kim, making him technically off-limits.)

“Same thing.” Nora shrugged. “He belongs to someone else.”

“It was Jackson,” I said. “What was I supposed to do?”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“He’s my boyfriend more than he is Kim’s.”

“Not true.”

“We went out for six months.”

“Well, you’re not going out anymore.”

“He kissed me back.”

“You started it, Roo. People saw you.”

“But there are circumstances!” I cried. “Can’t you think how I must have felt?”

“I never thought you could betray one of us like that. It’s so wrong.” Nora flashed her lunch card and stepped out of the line, walking fast like she wanted to end the conversation.

I followed. “Don’t you even want to hear my side of it?”

“What side could you possibly have?” She flipped her hair over her shoulder and turned away.

“So you’re dumping me as a friend? Without even talking about it?”

“I don’t even know what kind of friend you are, anymore,” she said, turning back.

I couldn’t believe she was saying this. After what Kim had done to me.

“Neither does Cricket,” Nora added.

“What?”

“You always talk about official and unofficial,” Nora went on. “And then you just forget about it when it stands in the way of something you want. It’s like you never even think about how there’s other people, and they have feelings.”

“What about Kim?” I was almost yelling. “What about my feelings?”

“Kim didn’t cross any lines. She kept to the rules, completely.”

“Says her.”

“She did.”

“How do you know?”