Much Ado About Vampires

“This is almost as good as watching the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but I think we should probably not wait around until he’s nothing but a torso,” I suggested with a wary look at the two vampires lounging against the wall, watching the scene with identical expressions of polite interest.

“’Tis but a flesh wound,” Pia quoted, nodding.

“Get them!” Brother Ailwin said, waving toward us as one of the monks hefted him up and set him less than gently down on a mangled remains of what was once probably a quite pretty dining chair.

The other nineteen monks started toward us, but paused when Alec and Kristoff leveled their guns. “We have enough bullets to shatter the bones in all your legs,” Alec told the monk army. “You won’t make it ten feet.”

The monks looked at the two vampires holding guns, down at their swords, then over to Brother Ailwin before turning back to our little group.

Alec smiled.

The monks, as a group, turned and in perfect formation marched out of the door.

“Wait!” Brother Ailwin screeched, glaring furiously at them. “I did not order—you cannot leave now, not when I’m about to claim the greatest victory known to lichkind! I demand that you come back here! I demand that you destroy the Dark Ones! What’s a few shattered thighbones when it comes to . . . damnation! You cowards! Come back here! ”

“I told you that a lich army was a bad idea, if you recall,” Sally said, getting to her feet as two women burst into the room. “They just have no backbone, any of them, and collectively, they’re sponges. But I’m sure you see the wisdom of my advice now, don’t you, Ailwin? Oh dear, your blood is going to stain the floor if it keeps up like that. You really should stanch the flow of it. Jane, my dear, how lovely to see you again. Is that the new T-shirt design? You must send me a gross or two, and I’ll order my minions to wear them.”

“You!” Brother Ailwin spit, glaring up at Jane as she stopped next to him, giving him a confused look. “I might have known you’d find out about the Tools. No, no, Brother Anton, not that leg, you fool, this one. The one that’s bleeding all over the place. Wrap it tight so I can stand up long enough to wield the Tools.”

“What . . . the Tools?” Jane looked even more confused as she glanced around the room. “Hello, everyone. Er . . . is this a Dark One convention or something? ”

“Tools as in plural?” asked Eleanor, who stood with Jane in matching Liches rule, others drool, especially revenants T-shirts. She frowned at me for a moment before narrowing her eyes on Sally. “I could swear I know you.”

Sally batted her lashes and gave a little smile and shrug, but said nothing.

Great, just what we need, Brother Ailwin clueing in Jane as to what we are, and how to use us. Can you shoot him again? I asked Alec.

I would gladly, but it would serve no purpose. I simply wanted to frighten away his monks and disable him, albeit temporarily. Jane, I believe, will pose us no threat.

I caught the whisper of a thought that Eleanor might be an entirely different subject, but wasn’t sure if that was just my inner devil being snarky, or something he was truly worried about.

“You have the Tools of Bael?” Jane asked Brother Ailwin.

He looked furious with himself, and shoved away the poor monk who was trying to bind up his left leg. “I do. You may bow down before me now, before the rush to curry my favor.”

“Oh, for the love of—no one has the Tools,” I couldn’t help but say, moving around to Alec’s side.

Beloved, please stand behind me, so that I can protect you.

Pfft. I’m a frickin’ Tool. I can protect you, I answered with bravado.

He sighed into his mind, and pulled me up against him, which I had to admit was what I wanted all along. Just the feel of him, so warm and solid, and bristling with indignation, made my inner self sigh with happiness.

Dammit, Alec, I’ve gone and fallen in love with you, I told him.

He almost fell over. You what?

You heard me.

His eyes glittered with a combination of ire and desire, so green they almost glowed. “And you pick now to tell me? This exact moment?” He waved his gun toward the liches. “You couldn’t wait until we were alone?”

“Tell you what?” Pia asked.

Kristoff shot her a look.

“Oh. That.” She giggled and gave me a thumbs-up. “I’m so happy for you both. You’ll have to invite us to the wedding. Kristoff didn’t want to marry me, because he said it was a human thing, and meaningless to Dark Ones, but in the end, he gave in, because my family would have gutted him if he didn’t.”

Kristoff rolled his eyes, and murmured something in her ear. She giggled again.

I eyed Alec.

“I will be happy to marry you in a mortal ceremony,” he answered the look.

“In a church? ” I asked. “My family is like Pia’s—they’re big on weddings.”

“In a church,” he agreed solemnly, but his lips twitched.

“A wedding!” Sally said, clapping her hands excitedly. “Oh, I love weddings! You have to let me do your hair and makeup, though. When May—she’s a doppelganger and the sweetest wyvern’s mate you ever did meet—when she was becoming the consort to a demon lord, which really is the same thing as a wedding, you know, I did her makeup and hair, and she looked absolutely gorgeous. Well, except for the little nothing that Magoth made her wear as a wedding outfit, but you know how men are—if a few leather straps and bit of fur covering the naughty bits aren’t included in the ceremony, they just lose interest.”

If you even think of asking me to wear—

Don’t worry, my tastes are quite different from those of a demon lord, he answered, adding after a moment’s thought, Although if you wanted to wear a little nothing made up of leather straps and fur, I wouldn’t object.

I pinched his hand and twined my fingers through his.

“I’m so confused,” Jane told Eleanor.

“I’m not, unfortunately,” the latter answered, shooting both Alec and me a testy look. “Although I don’t understand why all of the Tools have been brought together. That seems foolhardy to me.”

Jane leaned to the side and whispered in her ear. Eleanor shrugged her off with a harsh word.

“I demand that you leave this instant!” Brother Ailwin shouted. “They are my Tools, and I don’t intend to have any upstart lichmaster get her grubby hands on them! Brother Anton, smite the two women, and then bring the Tools to me.”

The poor monk glanced hesitantly at Jane. “Er . . .”

“Must I do everything?” Brother Ailwin looked mean enough to do as he threatened.

Maybe you should shoot him a few more times. He looks like he’s recovering.

That’s not a bad idea, Alec answered, raising the gun.

“Really, you know, you’re such a disturbing force here, I just can’t take it any longer,” Sally said wearily. “Normally I like disturbing, but now . . . no. It’s intolerable. Sable, please return them to the mortal world.”

At the name, a thickly muscled man appeared out of nothing, obviously one of Sally’s minions. He had absolutely no neck, and muscles on his muscles, all clearly evident because he was clad only in a leopard-print G- string.

We all gawked as Sable picked up a now-swearing Brother Ailwin under one beefy arm, and Brother Anton under the other, before he did that fabric-ofbeing tearing thing, and stepped through the tear, taking the two men with him.

“Ailwin can be delightfully entertaining sometimes, but other times . . . well, I’m sure no one here will complain at him being removed. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. As delightful as it is to chat with all of you—and, Cora, I’m quite, quite serious about my offer to do your hair and makeup for your wedding—I do have other things to attend to, and would like to wrap up this business now. So if you don’t mind, please join the other two Tools of Bael, and we’ll be out of here in a few minutes.”

I stared at Sally in abject disbelief. “You have got to be out of your ever-lovin’ mind!”

“Not really, no, although sometimes I admit it’s a tempting thought. Come here, Cora,” she answered with a little gesture.