I replied sarcastically.
“It isn’t that exactly. You just seem unhappy, as if the world has gone dark. There’s a shadow in your heart and it makes me sad,” she said softly.
“What am I to be happy about? I killed my own father Penelope, and soon I’ll kill a lot more people, including you. What part of that should give me joy?” I was gritting my teeth as I spoke.
Penny flinched at my words but she didn’t give up. “You didn’t kill Royce, Mort. Stop blaming yourself, please.” As she spoke she put her hands on my shoulders, trying to rub the tension from them.
I pulled away. “I did. I took them to Albamarl. I killed the king’s guards and started that damned fight. My pride insisted we take back what the king had stolen, and my pride refused to leave any of it behind. My own arrogance and self-confidence caused me to remove that shield from him, not knowing it was my own father. It was my anger that sent me back to kill the king’s men, and my weakness that forced him to bring me back…”
She started to interrupt, “Mort listen that’s…”
“No! You listen!” I shouted. “He walked out to snap me out of my shock. That’s why he was shot. And after we had returned I could do nothing for him… because of this gods cursed bond! I might have been able to save him then, but that choice was already made. In the end all I could do was help him die.” I started walking away. “Exactly which part of that wasn’t my fault?” I said coldly.
“None of it dammit!” she shouted at my back. “Stop obsessing over it. We still have a few months left to us. Why spoil it blaming yourself for things you couldn’t control? Why waste your time thinking only of deaths we can’t prevent?”
I whipped back and gave her an icy stare, “Prevent? I’m not trying to prevent any more deaths Penelope. Oh no! History conspires to make me a murderer… but that’s fine with me. I’ll kill more people this spring than anyone in history,” I said fiercely.
“That’s not why you’re doing this,” she argued.
“It is now! I plan to kill every… single… damned… soldier… that enters this damned valley! And when I’m done, I’ll make sure I’ve finished off any of the bastards that were lucky enough to survive, assuming I live that long,” I said finally. I left her then, an expression of shock on her face. I could hear her crying before I had gotten out of earshot. One more thing I’m guilty of, I thought to myself, but I couldn’t go back.
I ran across Cyhan in the castle yard. Considering my conversation with Penny I was in no mood to be chatting, which normally wasn’t a problem where he was concerned, but something about his stance told me he had something to say. I stopped a few feet away and waited.
“We need to talk about a few things,” he began.
“I can tell,” I replied stoically.
“You raided the king’s warehouses while you were in the capital,” he said, as if that were enough to tell me his thoughts.
“I reclaimed my property. I’m sure the king will give me his thoughts on the matter when he gets around to it,” I answered bluntly. “Is that a problem?”
“Perhaps,” he said, pausing to consider his words. I had rarely seen him put so much effort into diplomacy. “My orders don’t pertain directly to acts of banditry. I’m here to make sure you and Penelope don’t forsake your bond. However, I am a servant of the king.”
I mentally double checked my shield; things had the potential to go wrong quickly. “You seem to have a conflict of interest then. What do you propose to do?” I responded, giving him a hard stare.
The older warrior did the last thing I expected, something I had rarely seen him do… he laughed. “You’ve grown a lot since I met you,” he said.
The compliment did little to improve my mood and I was impatient to be done with the conversation. “I’ll make this easy for you. You can return to the king if you wish… or you can attempt to exact justice on his behalf right now. If you decide on the former I won’t stop you, if you try for the second I’ll have more blood on my hands. I’d much rather have your help with this war though… I’m not sure if we can afford to lose your assistance,” I responded. I kept my voice calm but I could feel the blood pounding in my temples. My anger was dangerously close to the surface now.
Cyhan could probably sense my deadly intent, but if so he didn’t show it. “I have been thinking along similar lines. If I had decided to act against you we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” He made it a statement of fact, as if people discussed cold-blooded murder every day.
“So you’re going to stay and help. Excellent… what was the point of this conversation then?” I started to walk around him but he put his hand on my shoulder. I looked at it and then met his gaze, the question in my eyes.
“I just wanted to make sure we were clear about where we stand,” he continued. “I think you have a chance in this war, or I would have removed your head already. If you lose, the king’s justice will not matter; if you win your case with him will be between the two of you. I will abide by his decision at that point.” He removed his hand.
I stared at him for a moment longer. “I think we understand each other perfectly then,” I replied before walking away. I could feel his eyes on my back until I had left the courtyard.
My mother found me the next day. Miriam had always been a quiet woman, except when she was arguing with my father, which wasn’t often. She found me that day working in Royce’s smithy. I was trying to melt our remaining scraps of iron down, to cast a few more iron bombs.
“I spoke with Penny this morning,” she began.
I winced inwardly. I could see where this was headed. “Did she send you to talk some sense into me?” I asked.
“No, but she told me how you feel about your father’s death,” she replied.
“Surely you don’t think I’m wrong?”
“I do. Your father made his own choices, the only thing he would have changed is how you feel about it now,” she answered.
I grimaced. “I can’t help how I feel mother.”
“Do you think your father would want you to feel this way?” she responded.
“If he were here I would ask him, but he’s not,” I said. Anger and sadness were warring within me, but I held them back. Miriam was the one person I couldn’t lash out at.
She walked up and put her hand on mine, forcing me to stop my work. “Look at me Mordecai.”
I did. Her cheeks were wet. I started to say something but she put her finger on my lips, “Do you know why I’m crying?” she asked.
“For Dad?”
“No. He lived a good life. I’m weeping because now that he’s dead, my son seems to want nothing more than to die himself. I cry for the loss of your smile and the joy it always brought me.” A tear traced a lonely line down her cheek.
I stared at her for a long moment and something broke loose within me. She held me as my own tears started again. An age passed while she held me, and I cried like a lost child, deep sobs wracking my chest. If anyone saw us standing there they were kind enough to pass on without interrupting.
Chapter 32
Spring came at last, bringing with it warmer days. The snow in the mountains began to slowly melt, swelling the Glenmae River. I was forced to add more stones to keep it from overwhelming the dam. I began to hope the enemy would arrive soon, if they waited too long the river would overwhelm the retaining wall and the artificial glacier I had created. I smiled at the irony of that thought.
