‘No,’ said Pauline, shaking her head at Kerr. ‘She can go, but I want you to stay.’
‘I don’t—’
‘You will,’ Pauline said evenly. ‘It’s important.’
‘Ooh, I’ve had an idea! Why don’t I bring you all a nice tray of tea?’ Esme beamed at them like a deranged nineteen fifties air hostess.
‘Just get rid of her.’ Pauline shook her grey head in disgust. ‘The last thing I need is an audience.’
Offended, the tilt of her eyebrows signalling despair of the see-what-I-have-to-put-up-with kind, Esme swept out of the room.
Silence reigned. Kerr leaned against the wall with his arms folded across his chest. Den was gazing out of the window like an insolent fourth-former summoned to the headmaster’s study. If Pauline had been hoping for a hug from the son who had all but destroyed her life, she was going to be bitterly disappointed.
Finally Pauline spoke again.
‘How did Kerr persuade you to come back?’
Den shrugged. ‘Told me you were ... unwell.’
‘Unwell, that’s one way of putting it.’ Snorting at the euphemism, Pauline shakily smoothed the eiderdown over her lap.
‘Dying, then,’ Den said bluntly.
‘That’s more like it. On my way out. Not long to go now.’ Glancing past Den to Kerr, she said, ‘Did you bring anything?’
‘I brought Den,’ Kerr said pointedly.
His mother reached for a tissue and wiped the palms of her hands. ‘A bottle of Jack Daniel’s would make this easier.’ She looked over at Den. ‘So. How have you been?’
‘How d’you think I’ve been?’ Den shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and stared back at her. ‘I went to prison, didn’t I? Served my time. Came out, left the country, went to Australia where no one else knew what I’d done but somehow never quite managed to put it behind me. Still, never mind, eh? I’m young, healthy, life goes on. There are plenty of people worse off than me, I just need to get a grip, sort myself out—’
‘Den, don’t.’ Stricken, Pauline shook her head.
‘Why not? You asked me how I’d been. I’m just telling you.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Her eyes filled with tears; she was squeezing the crumpled tissue between her hands.
‘I’m so sorry. That’s why I had to see you again, to tell you how sorry I am.’ Her fingers shook as she rubbed at her palms. ‘Have you told your brother?’
Kerr straightened. Had Den told him what?
‘I’ve never told a living soul,’ said Den fiercely. ‘You made me promise, remember?’
What? What was this about? Kerr looked from one to the other.
‘Right, right. Of course you haven’t. I’ll do it then.’ Pauline nodded wearily, the lines on her face suddenly more pronounced than ever. ‘It was me,’ she told Kerr. ‘Driving the car that day. I was the one who killed the girl, not Den.’
Chapter 55
The only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock on the mantelpiece, a brass carriage clock that Kerr remembered from his childhood. Under any other circumstances his automatic reaction might have been to say to his mother, ‘You’re joking.’ But since she clearly wasn’t, he was silent.
‘That look on your face, Kerr,’ said Pauline McKinnon. ‘That’s why I’ve never told you. God, I thought deathbed confessions were meant to make you feel better. I
Kerr looked at his brother. Den was standing there, by the window, with tears sliding down his thin cheeks.
‘Tell me what happened,’ Kerr said slowly, but Den was incapable of speech. He shrugged and shook his head.
‘We’d been to Evelyn Pargeter’s drinks party.’ Pauline’s voice came out as a monotone. ‘I’d had a few drinks, but I felt OK. When we left the party I told Den I’d be fine to drive. We reached Ashcombe and I rounded the bend too fast, hit the girl — well, that was it. There was nothing we could do for her. She was dead. Then I realised what this would do to
She faltered, shaken by the memory. ‘But Den hadn’t been drinking, and I thought it wouldn’t be so bad for him. He was only seventeen, any punishment would be so much easier for him to handle. I was in shock after it happened. And that was it,’ Pauline whispered. ‘Den loved me. We were always so close, I knew he’d understand. I told him to say he’d been driving. And he did. It was our secret. I wasn’t proud of myself, but I couldn’t face the prospect of going to prison. Losing my licence for drink-driving.
Killing a sixteen-year-old girl. I thought it would be easier for Den. I’m sorry.’ She closed her eyes in defeat. I was wrong, I know that now. I knew it then, but I couldn’t help myself. And I’ve been punishing myself ever since. I might just as well have taken the blame and killed myself there and then.
Anything would have been better than living through the last eleven years, I can promise you that. So you see, I’m glad I’m going to die. In fact, I can’t wait.’
Kerr was having trouble digesting this. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘It was our secret, Den’s and mine.’ Pauline shook her head. ‘You would never have allowed Den to go to prison.’
