The realization that she was about to do what she had told Guy Cassidy she could never risk doing, left her feeling ... well, Janey wasn’t quite sure how she felt; presumably that would come later. Right now, all she had to do was say the words.
‘... and we could do with a decent car,’ he went on, waving dismissively in the direction of the window overlooking the high street. ‘The van’s OK for carting flowers around but it’s hardly what you’d call stylish. How about a soft-top for next summer, sweetheart? Something with a bit of go in it?’
‘Look.’ Janey, unable to contain herself any longer, said evenly, ‘Oliver Cassidy left that money to my mother. Not to me, and not to you. I don’t know how you can even think you have any right to a share in it.’
‘Janey, all I’m saying is that Thea is bound to want you to share her good fortune!’ Alan looked hurt. ‘You need a holiday, you need a decent car; I’m just trying to advise you.’ He paused, then broke into a grin. ‘And of course you’ll want to take somebody to Barbados with you, to rub all that Ambre Solaire on to those gorgeous shoulders of yours ...’
Her heart began to race. ‘Alan, I don’t want my mother to give me any money and I’m not planning any holidays. But if someone came up to me in the street tomorrow and handed me two free tickets to Barbados, I wouldn’t take you anyway. I’d take Maxine.’
‘You’re upset.’ He nodded understandingly. ‘This funeral’s taken it out of you. Come on, you should be in bed.’
‘I’m not upset.’ Janey was starting to shake. ‘I just don’t want this to go on any longer. It isn’t working, Alan. You said we needed time to get used to each other again. Well, I’ve had enough time to know that it isn’t going to happen.’
He stared at her. As stunned, she realized, as if he had found her walking stark naked down the high street.
‘Sweetheart,’ he protested finally, ‘what are you talking about?’
‘Us.’ The time had come to be brutal. She mustn’t allow him to wheedle his way around her. ‘This marriage. I don’t want to carry on. I don’t want to be married to you any more. You told me I’d changed, and I have. I’m sorry, Alan, but that’s it. You’re going to have to find somewhere else to stay.’
And somebody else to support you, she thought wearily. Guy had been right; Alan was a user and a taker. She just hoped he had been right about the other matter, too...
‘I can’t believe I’m hearing this.’ Alan was very still, his eyes narrowed, his voice scarily low.
I can’t believe I’m saying it, Janey thought, biting her lip and wishing he wouldn’t stare at her like that. But she had to stick to her guns.
‘I mean it.’
‘Good God, woman! I came back here because I couldn’t live without you! You welcomed me back with open arms ... how can you change your mind just like that? What have I done that’s so terrible?’
‘Nothing’ Janey fought to stay calm. ‘You haven’t done anything terrible. I don’t love you any more, that’s all.’
But he was shaking his head. ‘No. no. It doesn’t work like that. I want the real reason.’
‘OK, fine.’ She held up her hand and began counting the real reasons off on her fingers.
‘You haven’t bothered to look for a job. You expect me to pay for everything. You endlessly take me for granted. You want my mother to give me money so you can spend it. And,’ she concluded heavily, ‘you forgot my birthday.’
He blinked. ‘Any more?’
‘Yes,’ snapped Janey, for the hell of it. ‘You snore.’
‘I see.’ Alan’s smile was bleak. ‘Oh yes, I definitely see. Your mother’s the one behind all this, isn’t she? That old bitch put you up to it. What did she do, threaten to cut you off without a penny if you didn’t dump me?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ Enraged by his nastiness, yet at the same time almost welcoming it because it was so much easier to deal with than threats of suicide, Janey rounded on him. Her brown eyes blazed. ‘You’re the one who was so intent on getting your hands on that money! And no, Mum hasn’t so much as mentioned your name, so don’t even think she has anything to do with this. My mother has more important things on her mind than you, just at the minute.’ She paused, then added icily, ‘This is my decision. All my own work. And since I’ve already made up my mind, there’s no point in even trying to argue. As far as I’m concerned, the sooner you leave, the better.’
Alan’s shoulders slumped. The anger in his eyes faded, to be replaced by resignation. ‘So that’s it,’ he murmured with infinite sadness. ‘It’s all over.’
Janey, scarcely daring to breathe, nodded.
‘Oh well, it was always on the cards, I suppose. Stupid of me.’ He shook his head. ‘I geared myself up to this before coming back, and now I have to get used to the idea all over again.
Somehow it’s even harder, this time...’
Guy had been right, Janey reminded herself, gritting her teeth. It was emotional blackmail, pure and simple. Alan wouldn’t really do anything drastic.
.. like thinking you’re going to the electric chair, being reprieved, then being told that it was just a joke, you’re going to get it after all.’
‘I’m not sending you to the electric chair,’ she said quietly.
‘Aren’t you?’ He reached for her hand. Janey, I love you. Where would I go, what kind of future do I have without you? What would be the point of anything?’
‘Stop it.’ Sick with fear that he might actually mean what he was saying, Janey prayed she was doing the right thing. ‘You mustn’t say that.’
‘Why not? I’m thinking it. Jesus,’ Alan sighed, squeezing her hand so hard she felt her fingers go numb. ‘I’ve thought of nothing else for the past two years. All I wanted was to be with you, Janey. God knows, I’m not perfect ... I’ve tried to get a job, but there just haven’t been any around. And I’m sorry about that. And I know I don’t