“Ah yes, much more colorful. Something as heavy and substantial as a Laseradicator,” Edwin says this last word as if it is something awful that he can neither spit out or nor swallow, “would assuredly require more than one rocket. That’s multiple rockets, plus assembly once the parts are in space.”
“So, se Space Shuttle,” says Dr. Loeb, feeling like he is catching on.
“I think it is unlikely that NASA would be keen on helping you with your laser project.”
“Lazeradicator.”
“Yes, it’s a fine name, but that's not the problem. No matter what you call it, you can't sneak it past NASA. And even if you could, it would cost you $10,000 per pound just to get your unbuildable laser into space. How much does it weigh?”
“I don’t know.”
Edwin is encouraged by this response. It suggests that Dr. Loeb has not lost contact, entirely, with reality. “That’s because it can’t be built. Now, I’m all for vision and daring. Especially when these qualities are combined with patience and intelligence – but, really, it’s like this – You can find a solution to one impossible problem. But two impossible problems? The complexities don't add. They multiply.”
Dr. Loeb gives him a blank look. Edwin wonders if this is because Dr. Loeb has never heard of multiplication.
“I’m saying that it can’t be done.”
“But I have a lot of money,” says Dr. Loeb.
“And you should keep it. Someday, you will have a good idea. That money will be used to finance it.” Someday, thinks Edwin, is the day that never comes. “Let’s try it another way. What would you do with your laser?”
“I vould destroy Vashington!”
“Why?”
”Vhat do you mean, it’s Vashington?”
“Yes, and since the British burned it in 1814, it has remained inviolate. And increasingly picturesque.”
“So?”
“How do you plan to make money from destroying the capital of the United States of America?”
“Vell, then I vould be feared.”
“Then you would be broke. Having spent all your money on a laser, and getting it into space, you would then destroy a perfectly good city and get nothing in return.”
“But, but, but”
All the motorboat noises in the world aren’t going to get Dr. Loeb out of this one. Edwin folds his hands and pronounces his stern judgement. “Your business model is deeply flawed. I cannot see the benefit of, much less the possibility for, a giant laser in space.”
For the first time during the whole session, Dr. Loeb does not have a ready and horribly ill-informed reply. He cocks his head. The accent falls away completely, “So what am I gonna do?”
“You’re going to make me a small promise,” says Edwin, “Can you do that?”
Dr. Loeb nods
“You must promise me that, from now on, if we can’t think of a good reason for you to do something, you won’t do it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, let’s try it another way. Why do you want to take over the world?”
“That’s what I’m supposed to do. I am a villain.” Dr. Loeb says this like it is the most natural and obvious thing in the world. “I have a secret lair. I have ziss jacket. Ze right haircut. I am ze evil mastermind.”
“Okay. Okay. Right there. Let’s say you took over the world.”
“Yes. Ja, I like ziss,” says Dr. Loeb, clapping his fat hands together.
“You are lord and master of all creation,” says Edwin.
“Domination!,” he says, nodding so vigorously his jowls seem in danger of breaking free and rolling down his neck.
“What then?”
Dr. Loeb’s mouth hangs open. He has no answer.
“What good would it do, to control the whole world?”
“But, that’s what I’m zupposed to do!”
“Why?”
“Because, well, everybody knows ziss. Ze supervillain iz to take over the world.”
“Of course. But why?”
“What do you mean?”
“It seems like a prudent question. You’re about to devote a considerable amount of your time and effort to reach a goal. Is this goal worthwhile?”
“I didn’t not become ze villain, ze super-villain I am, to be prudent.”
“That’s good. That’s the kind of thing that helps me. Now,” Edwin leans in to emphasize his question, “Why did you become a villain?”
Dr. Loeb has no idea. Edwin lets him struggle with the question for a while. Of course, Edwin knows the answer. He knew long before Dr. Loeb sat down. The only question in Edwin’s mind is – can he get Dr. Loeb to recognize the answer? It’s a long shot, but if Dr. Loeb can have a moment of clarity, then a world of possibilities will be created for both of them.
You see, Dr. Loeb (by birth, Eustace Eugene Rielly the Third) is but a dilettante in the world of evil. A tourist, if you will. Or more precisely, a spoiled child who, by virtue of a sizable trust fund, has grown to become a very spoiled adult. He has no sense of accomplishment. There are not many obstacles for the super-rich. There are precious few things for the young scion of wealthy family to test his mettle upon. Eustace does not care for polo or sailing. He is bad at business. Charity work does not suit him. But he has managed to find something to call his own. That it is ridiculous, absurd and counter-productive, is no detriment for Eustace. In fact, that is what makes being an Evil Genius all the more attractive to him.
This is because Eustace’s mother, Iphagenia Rielly, is controlling, shrewd and manipulative. The widow Rielly sees to it that her son has what the rich refer to as “a little money,” but has denied him any substantial funds. Of course, Iphagenia will tell you that she loves her son unconditionally. This means that anything other than her love comes with conditions. If Iphagenia was given to introspection, she might realize that she would have been much happier with a child that was genetically modified to remain an infant. Since Eustace hit puberty, she has consoled herself with a series of small furry dogs.
Eustace has been driven to more and more bizarre forms of rebellion in his efforts to get his mother’s attention. But until this moment he has not dared to utter his most secret hope. A hope which Edwin means to twist to his purpose.
All of Eustace’s defenses and fantasies are stripped away. He speaks softly. “I became a villain to get back at my mother.”
Edwin smiles. Now he is getting somewhere. Edwin doesn’t believe in revenge. There’s rarely a profit in it. But Iphagenia Rielly possesses a mind-boggling amount of money. For the first time in the interview, Edwin uses Dr. Loeb’s real name. “Now, Eustace, what would it be like when you have your revenge?”
“She, she, she’d have to do what I told her.” Eustace looks around nervously, expecting his mother to catch him in the middle of this confession.
“Control. You would have control.”
“Yes,” he says , “domination.”
“Domination,” says Edwin. Tears of gratitude well up in Eustace’s eyes. Then the fear comes over him again.
“Can we really do it?”
Edwin is going to explain that if Eustace will listen to him, and hire the right kind of lawyer, that they have a very good chance of success. But he is interrupted by an explosion at the back of the room.
“MOTHER!” cries Eustace in terror.
The dust settles. At the other end of the room is a figure clad in spandex. “It is I, Superlative Man!”
“He iz come to do battle with me!” Eustace cries with joy in his voice. “I am ze villain, ze sinister Dr. Loeb
