“If you’re going to get Josh Lee, you have to look hot. Hurry up so I can do your hair and stuff before we go.”
I wished I had left my toothbrush over here, as I rinsed my mouth with toothpaste. My clothes were in a heap on the floor, so I rolled them into a tight ball and stuck them behind the door. They were just one more reminder of what I’d left behind, and it would be fine with me if I never saw them again. Holding my jacket to my nose, I sniffed to see if the mold and the garbage and the mess had gotten deep into the fibers. It seemed okay, but just to be sure, I sprayed it lightly with the perfume Kaylie had on the counter. I tucked Teddy B. into my jacket and zipped it up over him. I didn’t know why, but I felt calmer with him pressing into my side.
Kaylie looked me over as I came into her room. “What’s with the jacket? Are you still cold?”
I zipped the jacket up higher. “A little.”
“Sometimes you have to sacrifice comfort for fashion.”
“I’ll take it off when we get there,” I lied. Actually going somewhere, especially somewhere that Josh was going to be, seemed impossible, but I felt like I was being carried downstream in a strong current that had nothing to do with me.
“Okay, sit down here.”
I sat numbly on her bed while she hovered around with a little dash of this and a little dab of that. The blow- dryer felt nice on my neck, and I let her do what she wanted while I sat and thought about absolutely nothing. I came back to the present as she clipped the metal plates on my hair until they sizzled.
“Ow!” I jerked away from the iron.
“Ooh, sorry!” she said. She rubbed my ear. “I do that all the time.” She took a step back and admired her work. “You look awesome. Between the haircut and the straightener, it’s just a little badass. Close your eyes.”
She sprayed a nice-smelling mist over my head. “That ought to last the rest of the night.”
I peeked around her until I could see myself in her mirror. It didn’t look that bad. My hair stuck out like it did before I washed it, only now it looked as if it were on purpose. My eyelids wore a shade of purple so dark they looked vaguely bruised.
“Josh is going to freak out,” she said. “You should wear makeup all the time.”
I shrugged and made a face. I could pile the entire drawerful of stuff on my face and it wouldn’t make any difference. Not after tomorrow, anyway.
“Seriously,” she said as she unplugged the straightener. “I think he’s totally into you, and this is going to prove it.” Kaylie rubbed her hands together. “I promised Vanessa I’d be ready at nine, so we should go downstairs. This is going to be great. Maybe if you hook up with Josh, he’ll ask you to the Spring Formal. You’re so lucky.”
I tried to think that far ahead, but my thoughts ran into a deep black hole. Nothing existed beyond tomorrow when Sara came home and found out what had happened. All of a sudden I knew I couldn’t go through with it. There was no way I could go and be with people and act normal. Not with my entire life unraveling by the minute.
“You go ahead,” I said, my voice shaky. “I can’t. I’m just going to . . . I’m just going to go home.”
Kaylie looked concerned. “What’s the matter? Are you sick?”
“I just . . . I . . .” I slid to the floor and put my hands over my face. It felt like a wave filled with everything wrong with my life was crashing over me—Mom lying under the sheet, mountains of garbage that I could never fix even if I had months instead of hours, piles of bills that threatened everything we had left, and images of our neighbors shaking their heads as they looked through our open doors at the truth we’d been so careful to hide all these years. I felt myself gasp as the tears started to roll down my cheeks, and I brought my knees up to my chest. I couldn’t believe I was actually sitting on Kaylie’s rug bawling like a baby, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Kaylie knelt next to me. I could feel her arm around my shoulder and smell her perfume, but I didn’t dare take my hands away from my face. What if I broke down and told her the truth? “Lucy,” she said softly. “Hey, Luce, what’s going on? Come on, whatever it is, we can fix it.” One hand patted my shoulder as she held me closer.
“There’s nothing you can do,” I whispered, my voice raggedy with crying. “There’s nothing anybody can do. It’s over.”
“Listen, listen,” she said, trying to pry my hands from my eyes. “I’m your best friend, right? Right?”
I nodded, but the thought brought a fresh batch of tears coursing down my face. For the next few hours she was, but then what?
“Then you’ve got to tell me what’s wrong,” she said. “I can’t help you if you won’t tell me.”
“I can’t,” I said. I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to get a grip. The back of my hand was streaked with purple and black smudges where I’d wiped my eyes. “It’s just . . . I can’t.” She’d understand soon enough when the news broke. It’s not like she could help me, anyway, even if I told her everything. I should just let her think I’d had a fight with Mom or had a bad case of PMS. She’d never guess what was really wrong with my life. “I’m okay,” I said, wiping the makeup from under my eyes.
Kaylie knelt next to me and grabbed my hand. “You’re obviously
“No. Yes. I don’t know,” I said. “It’s just everything.” Bracing myself against the wall, I pulled myself up. “I’m sorry. That was so stupid. Really, I’m fine.” If Kaylie didn’t think I was a loser before, I was sure she did now.
“You’re sitting here looking like the world is ending, and you expect me to believe you’re fine? Lucy, you have to be honest with me. I’m your best friend—you at least owe me that.”
And for a sliver of a second I thought about it. Thought about telling her everything—about Mom, the house, the bills—but as much as I wished she’d stay concerned and caring, I was just as sure that she wouldn’t. Kaylie was the nicest friend I’d ever had, but she wasn’t a superhero.
“Do you want to stay home?” she asked. “Because I can just call Vanessa—”
I took a deep breath. “No. No, let’s go.” And I meant it. No matter what I was doing, nothing was going to
